Sunday, April 03, 2005

Odd Crossover

I enjoyed last night's Doctor Who much more than the first one - which certainly did fantastically well in the ratings, inducing spasms of glee in anyone trying to get a series about anyone other than cops or (ahem) medics, past an official commissioning editor with a big hat on. And if Christopher Ecclestone really isn't going to be in a second series, I really don't see it being a problem. After all the regular regeneration of the main character into a completely different actor gives everyone involved a chance to reboot the look and feel of the show to an extent impossible anywhere else.

I'd love to know how much they had to pay for the rights to 'Toxic' though. I know GW tried to play about ten seconds of 'Hey Ya' for the party scenes, only to have the LA office of their record company laugh hysterically at the very idea, They'd apparently turned down about a million quid offered by some film producer who wanted to smother his soundtrack with said choon, so imagine how little they cared about small british comedy show. I think the song's too familiar anyway - it's a strange business, soundtracking.

Talking of things that Didn't Quite Happen, sometimes you pretty much know something isn't going to make it on-screen, but you just have to write it anyway. This was my attempt at a GW/Popular British SF series crossover done for the recent Comic Relief night. When you take into account budget, licensing issues and also the sheer bloody stupidity of the thing, it's really not a surprise this didn't go anywhere (the fact that I didn't bother writing any actual dialogue rather shows a lack of commitment, I feel). But I thought I'd put it up anyway. Apologies to anyone who hasn't seen GW, as this will make even less sense:



Striding in slow-motion down a passage, like modern-day gladiators, accompanied by stirring martial music, we see three pairs of heavy-looking boots.

Camera slowly tilts up to see MAC, GUY and MARTIN, attired in serious-looking (but strangely archaic, Quiddich-like) armour, over which they wear their white coats. Each clutches a topmiler helmet under one arm and stares defiantly into the distance.

Superimposed over this image is the logo ‘GUYBALL - WORLD CHAMPIONSHIPS FINAL, 2005'

Now they move into the sports hall proper. Montage of GUY, MAC and MARTIN checking their armour, putting on their topmilers and checking each others’ straps. All is utterly serious. This is the final. No pissing about here.

When they are fully ready, they assume their positions, and the camera turns, showing us their opponents for the first time.

Three DALEKS stand on the other side of the court, in roughly equal positions to GUY, MAC and MARTIN. Each DALEK wears a topmiler.

A moment of silence as the two teams check each other out. Then a whistle blows, and the game is on.

Montage of high impact, bone-crunching action as MAC, GUY and MARTIN take on the DALEKS:

DALEKS using suction cups to carry the ball about.
MARTIN tries to take on a DALEK and fails, bouncing off it painfully.
GUY cheats and is caught out.
One of the DALEKS is injured and MAC calls a time out to check it is okay.
GUY kicks a DALEK. It turns to face him and he runs away.
One of the DALEKS is intercepted by MAC, and the ball goes flying into the air. GUY goes for it and misses. For a moment, all looks lost, then MARTIN soars triumphantly into the air and catches the ball in his topmiler.



MAC, GUY and MARTIN are lined up to receive their cups. GUY flicks a v-sign at the DALEKS. A bolt of (cheaply superimposed) energy zaps past him. They all look a bit scared.



Anonymous said...

I LOVED this. Thank you so much. It was a Sunday morning treat, whilst I was enjoying espresso and choccy croissants. I could really see the guys acting this out. And I love the fact that it was Mac who stopped to check the poor injured dalek was okay. ( Yes, I am one of the soppy Mac fans.....). Really laughed at Guy's scaredycat behaviour too. (I love you more now. Don't worry - won't stalk).

Lizzy said...

I could see that perfectly in my head. Ye Gods, that'd've been hilarious! Hee!

irony in motion said...

Oh that is possibly the most wonderful thing that could've been written. Film it? Please? For the DVD?

Yeah and Mac so *would* check the Dalek was OK... sigh

Anonymous said...

oh that has to be on the DVD! loved it! pure genius.

Anonymous said...

I keep seeing Sue as a dalek, with long arm antennae things:

"exterminate the scatterbrained floozy."

BiScUiTs said...

Ha ha it's like GW fan fiction or something. Except from a writer. I like that Guy running away bit!

Anonymous said...

You forgot the classic one, which is someone throws a blanket over one of the Daleks so it can't see, and it then starts whirling round yelling "cannot control!!".

There was an interview with one of the voice-over actors who used to do the Daleks on the radio a couple of years ago , where he revealed there were three dalek voices : The deep one, for the Big Boss Dalek ( "They will all be ex-term-in-at-ed"), the middle-management Dalek with the slightly higher voice ("I o-bey!"), and the dalek equivalent of the Star Trek "red shirt" - high-pitched voice, you just know he's going to crack up under pressure/come a cropper...