Monday, April 11, 2005

Bathroom O'Doom

I'm starting to think my bathroom contains its own (admittedly rather petty) Hellmouth. Or possibly it was built on the site of a mysterious Shrew Burial Ground.

Things I have discovered gaining access to my bathroom:

-The Ghastly Plastic Homonculus.
-The common Bathroom Spider (no surprise there, I suppose it would be more sinister if there weren't any).
-A large Black Cat (I was in the bath, and it stuck its paws and head through the open window, which is quite low, and thus only about a foot above my face - I don't know who was more surprised, but it didn't enter the room fully, correctly surmising that any further journeying on its part would be A) wet and B) complicated).
-The Yellow Lovecraftian Mushroom

I can now add to the list:

-A Vine (don't what kind, there was just a tendril making its way up through the tiles, -I suppose I should have let it continue on the off-chance it might bear grapes and therefore pay for itself in the long run).
-A thousand million ants.

The ants I got up with my dustbuster which I emptied out of the kitchen window. I heard them all shouting 'wheeeeeeee' *as they dropped two stories** down onto the patio, falling very slowly due to their small mass.

Seriously, I make sure I never fall asleep in the bath these days. I might wake up to the gentle croaking of tree frogs, with tropical ferns caressing my face as monkeys run off with the soap.

One possible area of blame is the regular revolting retching noises my co-occupant makes when she brushes her teeth with an electric toothbrush first thing in the morning and last thing at night. I used to think she was just pushing the brush a tad too far back, but now I'm starting to think she might be summoning some kind of Hell Dimension Portal...

* And then, slightly later: 'Again! Again!".

** Don't try and work out the weird topography of my house. You'll go cross-eyed, and all the milk in your fridge will turn cheesy.


Kt said...

You'll have to mix some borax and sugar and make a circle of it around the bathroom and chant spells in a frost-covered-robot-angel voice to ward of the evil. Well, maybe not all the evil. And maybe not so much chanting. But the borax will stop the ants.

I once had a bloodthirsty leech climb up the drain in the shower and try to latch on to my leg. Not so much chanting then - lots of screaming.

Anonymous said...

Is your bathroom subterranean, by any chance?

I once had a bathroom that was basically a jerry-built lean-to at the back of the flat. We had slugs, spiders and ants, and, though I don't recall any cats, the roof did leak when it rained, which was less than pleasant.

Anonymous said...

do not think you have really lived until you have tried to remove an enormous slug from a very confused cats fang.

James Henry said...

Eww. To leeches and cats with slugs on them. Ew ew ewwwww.

Pash, my bathroom is on the second floor, but on a sharp rise, so it's set into the earth, if that makes sense. So nothing coming in from above (apart from noisy seagulls on the roof), but lots of burrowing/scuttling/squirming things making their way in from above and from the sides. And other dimensions, in some cases.

Anonymous said...

OK, now I'm imagining that your house is built into the side of a cliff, with burrowing/scuttling/squirming things invading from every corner. You were quite right to warn against trying to envisage its topography.

cello said...

I'm really scared of that long hairy slimey creature that hangs down from the bath plughole.

Sorry I missed your birthday. I promise to think up somthing special to compensate. Give me a week or two.

belladona said...

Urgh, you've reminded me of horrid student bathrooms. I had a horrendous Pulp-like one, with mould and constant streams of water slithering down the walls. There was an ENORMOUS spider that lived under the bath, that we were too scared to go near. Fortuanately it didn't normally emerge. I will not soon forget the moment it appeared while I was actually in the bath. Oh, I moved quickly. Shame I could never do that in P.E.

patroclus said...

Is it just me or is anyone else wondering what the Ghastly Plastic Homunculus is, and how it got into the bathroom seemingly of its own accord?

James Henry said...

Full Ghastly Plastic Homonculus backstory available at:

About half-way down.

Jane said...

Quniquireme, it wasn't just you. But I'm also mystified about the Lovecraftian Mushroom.

Anonymous said...

"a little man?" I found a lovely description, which had a recipe to make one. It consists of a bag of bones, sperm, skin fragments and hair (nice). Apparently you have to bury it in horse manure and then an embryo forms. Something to try later then. But I'm sure that's not the kind of thing James has hanging around in his bathroom. One would hope.

Btw James, thank you for the book. I love it already and you are, officially, a sweetie now.

Anonymous said...

That's a homunculus recipe. Meant to post it earlier. I know nothing about the mushromm thingy.

angelinjones said...

Cat bath- Cat shampoo