Wednesday, November 08, 2006

Or 'Blogcom'

Thanks for the wolves stuff - I was wondering if it was possible to create a League of Extraordinary Gentlemen-style uberpack. It might be, not sure yet.

That sitcom thing, where the main character is sort of based on me and the blog, only with more guns (codename: Project TSTWTMCISOBOMOWMG) is now with a person in a large broadcasting company, who is hopefully even now sitting round a table with people called things like Josh and Florrissa and TIlly, and saying things like 'Guys, it's crazy, but it's so now!'. But then looking at the current lineup for Friday night television on Channel 4, or at the fact that Tittytittybangbang has been recommissioned, Josh and Florrissa and Tilly, whatever company they work for, are clearly a massive shower of twats.

UPDATE: although the person sitting with them, who's looking at my script, isn't a massive shower of twats, let's make that quite clear. They are gorgeous and witty and in every way quite pert.

Think I just got away with that.

Project TSTWTMCISOBOMOWMG already has a producer attached, and we discusssed casting at a very early stage, mainly because it's easier to pitch if you can say it has a lovely Famous Comic Actor-shaped space in the middle of it. It doesn't, not really, so we moved onto potential casting acting-people who could be phoned up in the unlikely event I came down with a cold and was unable to play the role myself. This is the thing about producers, they have to be able to think through the unlikeliest of scenarios, unlike writers who are gritty and earthy (like the SAS get sometimes) and deal with just the facts.

PRODUCER: How about (mentions the name of an actor whose first name begins with a Letter, and whose second name begins with a Different Letter)?

ME: Well, other than him being THE MOST UNFUNNY PERSON ON THE WORLD, who has shown not a flicker of acting talent in his ghastly career thus far, unless you call the ability to make people high up in television (hello Josh and Florrissa and Tilly) give him vast amounts of money and airtime so that he might do nothing other than be viciously unpleasant to members of the public who are then intimidated into signing releases so that their humiliation can be broadcast to millions, making the world once again just a slightly less pleasant place to live, 'talent', and some might, he'd be great, yeah.

PRODUCER: Have you ever met him?

ME: Nope, and I don't want to, as I suspect he is a massive ****.

PRODUCER: Oh, okay.


ME: Erm, you know that conversation we had about casting?

PRODUCER: Yeeeeees?

ME: You actually suggested (mentions the name of an actor whose first name begins with a Letter, and whose second name begins with a Different Letter, just like the other one, but is spelled slightly differently), didn't you?


ME: Oh, I thought you said (mentions the name of an actor whose first name begins with a Letter, and whose second name begins with a Different Letter).

PRODUCER: Christ, no, he's a massive ****

ME: That's what I thought.

PRODUCER: So what do you think about (mentions the name of an actor whose first name begins with a Letter, and whose second name begins with a Different Letter)?

ME: Oh he'd be great, yeah. But obviously it still makes more sense to play the main role myself.

Slight pause

PRODUCER: Oh noes, my phone have gone (sound which could be static, but also sounds suspiciously like someone noisily crumpling up a piece of paper to the earpiece).

ME: Helloooooo?

In reality, I've never heard Producer swear, but you know, these things have to be punched up a bit.


Anonymous said...

so you didn't like Tittytittybangbang? Hmm. It should give us all hope - if that can get on the screen in the first place, let alone get recomissioned, we should all be able to get on TV! So chin up, James!

James Henry said...

To be fair, I only saw about three minutes of it. Although that was enough to fill me with a RAGING HATRED OF ALL MANKIND.

Anonymous said...

oh, what bit was that? the shy maid, the chap at the garden centre, the girls at the bus stop, or, the ladies sewing circle......., the stately home wardens.... come on, we need to be told.

Anonymous said...

Hi James - I'm going to tell myself that the phrase 'shower of twats' is specific to people of high rank in comedy, rather than those of lower rank in drama. That way I can continue to enjoy reading your blog without feeling slighted.


Anonymous said...

I second Kalista!

I have never seen Tittytittybangbang but I do love wearing jauntily angled hats. Could perhaps do this whilst being an unpaid extra (as long as lunch is thrown in).

wetnailvarnish said...

I thought that was shit too. But what concerns me more than its recommission (which is I admit rather concerning), is trying to work out who the actor whose first name begins with a Letter, and whose second name begins with a Different Letter - the twattish one. I'm intrigued. More clues!

James Henry said...

*tried to work out if he knows anyone in drama commissioning with the initials 'JD*...

Aha! Worked it out. Hello JD.

I tend to view people in the commissioning departments as faceless beaurocrats devoted to crushing my every hope and dream - and then I meet them, and it turns out they're perfectly lovely, but just didn't like my script, which is, er, fair enough.

Currently however, I have a very good reason for liking people in drama commissioning departments really quite a lot. The BBC drama department, for example could, from about 1pm this afternoon, be described as 'gorgeous sexy bitches'...

Anonymous said...


That wouldn't be the Cornish Teen thing would it?


aimee- All I could thing of was Dom Joly which seems somehow unlikely

Anonymous said...

Dom Joly called my brother in law a c**t whilst driving past willy nilly, plus i met his ex and she weren't too impressed by him (but being an ex she wouldn't be) so he gets my vote

wetnailvarnish said...

Yeah, see from that I thought Dom Joly. But no one has a similar name to that so it doesn't work.

For some reason I also thought of Leigh Francis (aka Avid Merrion), and wished I hadn't. Not even very sure how I thought he fitted the bill anyway. I'm not very good at detective work.

Anonymous said...

Would that be 'gorgeous sexy bitches' with excellent taste? If so, congratulations James!:-)

Tim F said...

At night I stare at the ceiling, wondering whether the inmates at Abu Ghraib would suffer more from 24-hour low-level Tittybangbang, or loud, random bursts of Man Stroke Woman.

Or would it be more humane to stick cattleprods up their bumholes?

James Henry said...

Ooh, I've got some some stuff in the second series of Man Stroke Woman!

So, the cattleprod option, probably....

Anonymous said...

Isn't playing yourself on Tv slightly akin to representing yourself if you're a lawyer? Maybe not "The lawyer who represents himself has a fool for a client" doesn't really transfer well...

"The writer who plays himself on tv has a fool for a character..."

James Henry said...

My theory is: how hard can acting be, if actors can do it?

patroclus said...

Aren't you too old to play yourself on TV?

James Henry said...


I suggest everyone go back and look at my appearance in Martin's exam scene. See that pen-wobbling? That's proper acting that is.

The chance of me actually acting this thing is very slim, but it's good to scare producers every now and then.

Anonymous said...

you'll be mobbed in the street.

James Henry said...

I already am.

Although to be perfectly honest, I sometimes have to mob myself a bit, just to get things started.

Anonymous said...

Here you go...
*Button mobs James whilst eating bourbon biscuit and staring at piles of paperwork (I am Woman. I Multitask)*

Also the screen is supposed to add 6 pounds of weight isn't it? So you'll have to lose 6 pounds in order to look your normal size.
and you'll probably have to dye your hair to make it look the right colour on t.v.
'Tis dreadful you will be like a cartoon version of yourself.

Anonymous said...

And presumably acting as yourself wouldn't be too much of stretch, seeing as you have tons of experience already. Being you, I mean. It's like the ultimate method acting job:

"You've got to BE the character, James."

Anonymous said...

The only person I could think of was Jermey Beadle - because he's a twat, but I think that could be because I've avoided the whole "lets's publically humiliate people on TV to get belly laughs from idiots" 'genre' since I had to watch it as a kid.

However more clues would be fun.