Saturday, April 30, 2011


Ma famille, and the famille of VisualPersist had arranged to go for a picnic! Like all British picnics, our location (a playground near Argal Reservoir) ticked all the boxes of:

1. Being a bit cold.
2. Being near fields that smelled faintly, but distinctly, of manure.
3. Being, after about ten minutes, rained on.

So we upped to Trebah which is a large garden type place with a coffee bit outside but under umbrellas where we could mange our picnic with discretion. All very nice, and then we went back to the car where I found, tucked under my windscreen wiper, A NOTE!

And not just just any note. It was A CROSS NOTE. What I had done, you see, is just park the car in the middle of the carpark. This, I realise with hindsight, aided by THE CROSS NOTE, was the act of a buffoon.


If you can't read the note, I have quoted it below, Note there are two paragraphs, in different handwriting, which I have tried to replicate by quoting one in italics, the other in bold.

great work on Blocking us in thankyou! Could you not see that parking Behind us would not allow us to leave! Whats wrong with the rest of the carpark?

Having to remove the rope to actually leave the car park is not something we wanted to do to such a nice area!!

In short then, I had parked behind a car which had some rope in front of it, and in order to vacate the carpark, after presumably howling and sobbing for an hour, the blockees had been forced to move the rope.

But then it got worse. Because my wife Patroclus who has a far higher Perception skill than me turned over THE NOTE.

THE NOTE had been written on the only writing material the blockees had available, which appeared to be some sort of sexy wrapping paper! Containing words like: Submission Thrill Pleasure Desire Excitement Temptation!

None of which are words you expect to run across in a country garden, no matter how nice the coffee bit with umbrellas. Patroclus then proved her high Perception roll was no fluke by declaring both specimens of handwriting to be 'feminine'. Which means I have a far more thorough apology to prepare than I had previously considered, and here it comes now:


Patroclus does not think that just because you are both ladies, and your cross note has been written on sexy wrapping paper, it follows that you are both sexy lesbetarians. I however am more worldly, and realise you are like Gertrude Jekyll* and Vita Sackville-Baggins (but younger and sexier, probably called Tilly and Eve) and spent a good morning browsing sexy Cornwall boutiques and saying things like 'But I mustn't!' and 'Tilly, you're so naughty! and then decided you just had time to dash to a nice garden place (with a good outside coffee bit with umbrellas) before it was time to go home and be all languid and stuff.

AND THEN SOME IDIOT BOXED YOU IN! I imagine you reacted thusly:

TILLY: A car is Behind us! However can we get out?

Ten minutes later:

EVE (timidly, Eve is probably the timid one, in fact in the early hours of the morning she sometimes doubts she is really a lesbetarian at all, but Tilly seems terribly keen): We could remove the rope to actually leave the car park?
EVE: (wistfully) I do wish they had not parked Behind us and Blocked us in.
TILLY: But they did park Behind us and Block us in Eve, and that is all there is to it.
EVE: Could they not see that parking Behind us would not allow us to leave?
TILLY: (coldly) Clearly, Eve, they could not. You are a goose sometimes.
EVE: (meekly) Yes Tilly.
TILLY: Now what are the words of the day according to our favourite sexy boutique?
EVE: I don't remember, Tilly.
TILLY: They are Submission Thrill Pleasure Desire Excitement Temptation! Honestly Eve, sometimes I despair.
EVE: Is 'Despair' a word of the day?
TILLY: No Eve.

Long pause.

EVE: We're going to have to move the rope, aren't we?

Anyway, again, my apologies.

* I may be thinking of Violet Trefusis.


Tim F said...

Admit it, you only made them Sexy Lesbians so more people would come to your blog, didn't you?

James Henry said...

Other SEXY LESBIANS I hope, yes.

Fatima Rolandias (Sexy Lesbian) said...

Give them enough rope...

patroclus said...

My perception skills can't be that high, otherwise I'd have noticed we were blocking them in, which I didn't.

As far as I know, the only sexy boutique in Cornwall is that one in Truro that opened up RIGHT NEXT DOOR to the school uniform shop, much to the horror of Truronian polite society. If I were Miss Marple (which I practically am), I would be straight down there to see if they'd recently sold anything to two young ladies who own A CAR, with a view to discovering the identities of the note-writers and offering an apology.

(But then, if I were Veronica Mars, which I practically am, I'd scour Facebook and Twitter for someone complaining about having their afternoon ruined by being blocked in by some thoughtless buffoon at Trebah, and eventually being forced to move a rope in order to effect a belated egress.)


PS If you are one or other of the note-writers and you are reading this comment, I'm very sorry. I promise to make a higher perception roll next time.

Billy said...

You thwarted sexy lesbianings by cunning use of a rope in a NICE AREA.

I am sickened.

Valerie Polichar said...

Patroclus, if you were Veronica Mars, I'd have already had the opportunity to meet you in person several times, since you filmed several episodes of your show using my old work building.

Then again I'd have been irked at you for putting up ropes so I couldn't get out of the front door of the building to go get coffee. In fact, I'd probably have LEFT A NASTY NOTE ON YOUR CAR. Written, no doubt, on the back of some Linux documentation.

What goes around, comes around, that's all I say.

patroclus said...

Valerie: Wow, that's very cool. Did you see any of the filming/meet the cast? I love that show, it makes great use of technology in the plot and the lighting and colours are great.

I dream of the day when someone leaves a mysterious note on my car on the back of some Linux documentation and I have to do loads of nerdy detective work to track them down. Sigh.

Jayne said...

I suspect James needs to lie down in a darkened room with a cold flannel on his forehead...

Rosie said...

the sexy wrapping paper is, in fact, from an Ann Summers carrier bag.

< /clue >

Rosie said...

Yes, but what an outing! You should block in more people.

James Henry said...

I will admit I'm slightly disappointed it was just an Ann Summers bag.


Boz said...

I am looking forward to the twelve part series as Eve and Tilly HIT THE ROAD and tour Britain's rural hot spots.

Dave said...

Are there any sexy lesbians in Cornwall? I'm fairly sure there aren't any in Norfolk.

Perhaps they were visitors. Possibly from Greece. Over for the Ann Summers shop.