Alan & Tracy on the #badtrain

Just wanted to say thank you to everyone who tweeted their messages of support yesterday morning while I was on my HELLISH journey that I can't help but notice hasn't appeared in a SINGLE newspaper this morning despite devastation to Paddington Station, many deaths, blatant use of flamethrowers despite owners not having correct tickets for carriages and an appalling mess in carriages E though G.

I imagine Judge Leveson will notice this and maybe make a note in his 'Final Blow' column, that's all I'm saying.

My only real regret is getting @nazihunteralan caught up in the whole thing. He's SEVENTY FIVE, for God's sake.

INCIDENT LOG FOLLOWS:

Argh I forgot my headphones. This is LITERALLY the worst train journey ever. #notliterally.

@Martin_Carr Just put a finger in each ear. Voila.

That could work. I might go 'tsk tsk tsk' just for verasimilitude.

Now the couple sitting opposite are having an argument. IT’S BEEN DONE, GUYS. #badtrain

Good tip! @luftschlosschen put a wet finger in your ear.That doesn't help with the music but you can hear the wind louder.

Aaaaand we’re back into the debate: do they lose privacy if they choose to have mahoosive argument in public space? #badtrain

I’ve thought about it, and yes. #badtrain

But I’m changing their names to Alan and Tracy so they can’t find me and kill me (Tracy looks a bit crazy round the eyes). #badtrain

Urgh, Tracy (business suit) all ‘you don’t respect my personal boundaries’. NOT TRUE. Alan’s burrowing down in his tracksuit to escape.

Oh wait, that’s just the way his head is. Sorry Alan.

@nazihunteralan Yes Alan here, can I help?

@nazihunteralan Sorry, poor choice of name, this Alan's way too young, he's only about fifty.

@nazihunteralan I'm 75, James. 75. Alan.

@nazihunteralan This Alan's not showing Nazi-like tendancies, but will keep you on standyby just in case if that's okay.

@nazihunteralan Is OK. Thanks. Alan Stoob.

Tracy's really muttering at Alan now, I'm having to lean right in to catch anything at all.

So far, Tracy’s done most of the talking. Alan only replied once, said ‘argle bargle gargle’.

Alan’s wearing deely boppers. Feel I should have mentioned this before.

Tracy’s all ‘for god’s sake use your communication podule Alan’. Guys u r so QUIRKY! I bet she has a pet name for his penis. #badtrain

Oh she does. She just said ‘I could easily find someone with a bigger stamen but I want yours Alan’. She wants his STAMEN?

Eurgh, I bet we're all going to end up sitting together at the first class lounge in Paddington. AWKWARD.

Alan’s had his eyes shut this whole time, she’s staring right at his deely boppers.

Alan’s ‘communication podule’ looks like a 2008 Nokia. It has an aerial. AN AERIAL!

Alan just sighed heavily into his ‘communication podule’. His breath smells like violets. S’nice.

Ooh it has a holographic startup sequence. #impressive.

Now Alan’s talking through the podule. That’s coming across as passive aggressive, Alan.

Oh great, it’s at top volume.

‘WE DO RESPECT YOUR PERSONAL BOUNDARIES TRACY BUT AS GESTALT ENTITY WE HAVE NEEDS’ #weirdo

MAN I PICKED THE WRONG TRAIN. RT @jackieschneider: @james_blue_cat - what the hell are you mixed up in this morning?

No-one in this carriage knows where to look.

Alans’s now randomly pressing buttons on his phone with his rootlike fingers. Seriously, they’re gnarled and covered with fine white hairs.

Boo Alan's podule volume’s right down now.

Tracy’s crying. I feel bad. Camera on my phone is rubbish or I’d take pic.

Alan’s not crying, but his deely boppers are drooping. Awkward silence in whole carriage.

I hope they make up soon THIS IS COSTING ME FOLLOWERS.

Think Alans' podule has camera-blocking field. :( RT @AngiePyott: @james_blue_cat JUST TAKE THE PIC!

Ticket inspector’s here. Alan's bought about a hundred tickets 'for my many organic components'. Tracy’s all ‘For GOD’S SAKE ALAN’.

Tracy’s still crying. Alan’s deely boppers appear to be leaking- oh they’re his EYES. Durrrrrr.

Alan has reached inside his tracksuit, pulled out what’s either a hankie or large petal. Tracy has pushed it away.

I'm so annoyed at leaving my headphones behind.

@deborahprice1 What's he actually supposed to have done that's so bad? Or is she just accusing him of general twattage?

@deborahprice1 Started with him not respecting her personal boundaries, then I caught 'and your legs smell of mould'. :(

When they weren't looking I trapped petal with empty coffee cup, copy of Times. Putting that on ebay later.

Alan just shouted EXCUSE ME TRACY I MUST EXTRUDE WASTE. Top half of body climbed across top of seats to loo. I DON’T KNOW WHERE TO LOOK.

CYNICAL MT @Kcsunshine73: is this Alan and Tracy stuff all REALLY going on or are you embellishing?

Ooh Tracy’s on her podule to friend, someone called Znerdfarglina.

She’s worried Alan might have impregnated her. I’m worried his legs (still on seat) can hear whole conversation.

Tracy’s on phone to mate, she's all ‘I think I wiped off all the spores, how many does it take to get you pregnant?’ URGH SPORES GROSS

i KNOW ITS TOTALLY MINGING! RT @nellbelleandme: @james_blue_cat oh YUK! SPORES?!

Oh shit I think Tracy's mate Znerdfarglina's is on Twitter, she (Tracy)'s looking at me really suspiciously.

A thinks they were together, but T not sure. RT @arranskyelewis: out of interest, are Tracy & Alan actually together or strangers on a train?

Recap: Alan's gone to loo in huff, he's left his legs on the seat. Tracy's on phone to mate, think she's sussed I'm putting this on Twitter.

Tracy's all 'are you putting this on Twitter?' I'm all ME NO SPEAK ENGRISH ME FROM CORNWALL.

yus, got away with it.

Znerdfarglina's telling her if she used bacterial wipes, that should get them (the spores)

Alan’s back from loo now. He looks younger. Top half of body rejoined with legs, makes squelching noise. Someone just tutted.

To be fair to A and T, we're not in the quiet carriage.

@Kcsunshine73 I am TOTES reliable! Wait, Alan's got more arms that he left with. #weird

@jackieschneider Trains' coming into Paddington soon REALLY hope this resolves.

Alan’s all ‘Sorry for communication breakdown Tracy perhaps I can explain in song of my people’. HIS FACE JUST OPENED SPORES EVERYWHERE.

Thank FUCK I brought antibacterial wetwipes, am frantically handing them out to whole of carriage.

Awww, Alan's tendrils are tenderly caressing Tracy's face. Whole carriage is applauding, also coughing up spores.

Tracy shouting I WILL BEAR YOUR YOUNGLINGS ALAN! #awwww Train coming into Paddington now. Ooh, troops with flamethrowers!

Troops won't let us get off first HOW RUDE.

Alan shouting I MUST PROTECT MY YOUNGLINGS! Blimey she's ALREADY pregnant? Alan is well fecund.

Alan has burst forth into rootlike tendrils, broken top off train, troops everywhere. More tutting from other end of carriage.

Troops are trying to flank Alan via quiet carriage, have been forcefully ejected by ticket inspector QUITE RIGHT TOO.

Troops told they can't use flamethrowers in *any* carriage, must also buy appropriate tickets.

Train has stopped in Paddington, Alan has grabbed Tracy with his tendrils, escaping via roof. Eurgh that FUCKING Boris announcement.

Hard to tell, interior of train signs, covered in spores. RT @illustratedtypo: Are you still in the Quiet Carriage?

OH FOR FUCK'S SAKE - troops were TOLD they can't use flamethrowers INSIDE the coach. *moves down a carriage*

Blimey, Tracey has given birth to Alan's younglings already. Paddington station now swarming with violent saplings fighting troops.

Luckily Alan bought those tickets earlier, so they can escape through ticket barriers into Underground.

Right, got to get to Westfield (Shepherd's Bush)

Paddington station on fire, many dead, even more pregnant with Alan's spores. Off to buy more antibacterial wipes. xx

Should still be able to make Westfield Costa by 9, hurrah.