Monday, July 23, 2007

Monsters from Dungeons and Dragons That Would Also Suit As Names For As-Yet Untitled Awkward Social Situations.

aboleth \A-boleth\:

1. "a revolting fishlike amphibian found primarily in subterranean lakes and rivers. An aboleth has a pink belly. Four pulsating blueblack orifices line the bottom of its body and secrete gray slime that smells like rancid grease. It uses its tail for propulsion in the water and drags itself along with its tentacles on land. An aboleth weighs about 6,500 pounds."

2. the shrug given by a French garage mechanic who, on having been giving strict instructions three days earlier to order the left-hand wing mirror (or 'retroviseur') for a Ford Transit, walks over to the van as it drives into his garage and peers mournfully at the clearly undamaged right-hand wing mirror, thus making it clear to everyone present that he has in fact ordered the incorrect-hand wing mirror (or 'retroviseur') for a Ford Transit, thus necessitating a ten-hour drive from the South of France to the northern port of St Marlo without really being able to, you know, see properly and stuff.

After expressing a magnificent aboleth, Bernard walked slowly over to a large cardboard box and pulled out what was patently fucking obviously going to be a THE WRONG FUCKING van wing-mirror, before abolething once more and disappearing back into his festering rot-hole of a garage-pit.

svirfneblin \SVIRF-neblin:

1. A sub-race of gnome. Also known as 'deep gnome'.

2. To sit in the passenger seat of a Ford Transit, cursing the French quietly, but with great intensity.

After svirfneblinning for no little time, a random truck mirror and duct tape were procured from a different garage entirely, so that James and Patch could navigate back across France with only the occasional shout of 'You're fine to overtake- JESUS FUCK STOP! Okay no, you're fine- ARGH FUCKSTICKS WHERE DID HE COME FROM' and so on, followed by further periods of svirfneblinning.

Anyway, we're back now.


Anonymous said...

Am off to France on Thursday, and now looking forward to partaking in some svirfneblinning every time we drive past a giant green arrow indicating the exit we should have taken if only the b*****y french would give us more warning and not just stick their giant green arrows right on top of their exits!

9/10ths Full of Penguins said...

This makes me chuckle greatly...

Dave said...

Have you been away? Shame. You missed summer in Britain.

James Henry said...

Yes, I was rather concerned the ferry wouldn't know when to stop.

Unknown said...

Please write a definition for 'snotling'. Please.

James Henry said...

Hmm, I wrote a whole thing about the Snotling Pump Wagon here, but it seems to have vanished. Probably for the best.