Tuesday, November 22, 2005


In the last 48 hours:

My internet connection collapsed,
My ipod wiped itself (again),
My mobile phone went into a coma.

After scouring the streets fruitlessly for one of those EMP bombs like on Ocean's Eleven, I was forced to conclude that this was all a coincidence, and not a concerted effort to cut me off from potential sources of employment by the forces of evil. But you have to wonder. Anyway, Matt phoned, and persuaded me to put away the tinfoil hat for the present.

Fortunately my laptop is still working (please stay working laptop), so I thought I might try one of the wi-fi places in town. Which lead to this fabulous conversation in an unnamed bar.

ME: Do you have a wireless broadband thing here?
GIRL: Yeah, but it's shit.
ME: Is is just shit today, or is it always shit?
GIRL: It's always shit.
ME: Right, thanks. Do you know anywhere else in town that has one?
GIRL: That cinnamon cafe place does. You know up the top of town, where it all goes a bit comedy?
ME: Um, yes?
GIRL: Well it's up there.
ME: Ok, ta.

Didn't get to try the cinnamon cafe, although I did pop back to first bar later in the evening, and their wireless broadband thing was, as I'd been warned, shit.

But what does 'it all goes a bit comedy' mean? Weirdly, I sort of know what she meant: lots of health food shops, strange antique shops with sinister dolls and second-hand bookshops specializing in books about the Canadian Navy. But is this the new definition of 'comedy'? Confused.

I need to blunder through the apple website now to see if I can get the ipod to work again. But my heart's not in it frankly. I might just leave its alabaster corpse lying on my bedside table to gather dust, a symbol of all that is glamorous and beautiful, but ultimately flawed, vicious and treacherous in this world.


Oh ipod, mypod, deadpod
How could you treat me so?
I loved you once.
But now the spinning hard disc of my heart
Has stopped.
And no combination of buttons
Can reset the love I once had for you.
You small white bastard.


Danny Stack said...

when my pc crashed and lost all my itunes, i asked apple how i could get my music back on my ipod to which they said i couldn't.

i didn't believe them and after a bit more probing i found out that you have 'one' chance to get your purchased music back but all your downloaded music from your cds is lost.

well, i didn't believe that either so i found out that there's this thing on the web called 'the ipod liberator' which rescues your music and stores them so that they can put them on itunes once you reload it on to your pc.

which may or may not be useful to you, i'm not sure. when you say your ipod is wiped, do you mean the pc has failed or the actual ipod. for me it was the pc. the ipod liberator thing worked, it cost about 15 bucks, all on-line.

James Henry said...

It's the pod - and I'm pretty sure it's all gone, although I shall certainly investigate once I can bear to look at it again. Cheers matey.

greta said...

I feel your pain. My ipod sometimes gets into strops where it'll just play what it jolly well wants thankyou very much, with no regard for my finger jabbing at the skip button. It seems to favour Giorgio Moroder. The little shit.

Jack Spanners said...

People call me old fashioned but I get no such grief from my gramophone. Dragging it through the streets is a bit cumbersome though and the extension cable causes some mishaps along the way, but hey, nothing's perfect.

That probably doesn't help any, does it?

Danny Stack said...

if it's just the pod, all you have to do is plug it into your pc and all your music from itunes will download itself back on.


James Henry said...

Thanks Jack.

Danny - it's the 60 Gig iPod, so way more stuff on it than i had on my computer - loads of odd Mp3's that I got of blogs and strange websites too. Fortunately I made loads of CDs for my friends, so if I get them all back, I can restore all the best stuff.

But not today. I checked, and I still can't bear to look at its lying deceitful face. Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice and risk being dropped in the Fal.

cello said...

It's easy to feel your iPod has betrayed you, let you down, cheated on you even. But I think it's more that they are very, very sensitive and temperamental. It was probably just too cold for it.

James Henry said...

I think a more measure, scientific conclusion would be that STEVE JOBS HATES ME.

Anonymous said...

reading your ipod lament almost made me snort my coffee over the keyboard.

i realize that doesn't help you though.

James Henry said...

In a weird way, it sort of does.

That might be the most cathartic and emotionally-true thing I've ever written. Which is worrying.

ScroobiousScrivener said...

I am iPod-free but sympathetic. (And enormously moved by the Lament.) But, here's a good reason to hold off on the tinfoil hat: they appear to be cunning governmental mind control devices! Science Says It's True.

BiScUiTs said...

Ah I suspected those bloomin' iPods were all style and no... uh... stability.

I like the sound of the cinnamon cafe area.

surly girl said...

i sort of love my ipod (pink, mini, mmmmm) but the itunes thing annoys me. a lot.

therefore it's only got 200 random punk songs that the Other Half put on there for me ("all" doing "ruby, don't take your love to town", anyone?) and very little barry manilow, which is Not Good Enough.

bgwfmgg: on being gagged with a sock during a particularly inept raid on the spar round the corner.

Anonymous said...

James, have you had a neb at ilounge? Here's their basic FAQ entry for your problem (http://www.ilounge.com/index.php/faqs/answers/my-ipod-is-frozen-on-the-playback-screen-or-my-ipod-will-not-turn-on-or-res/), though I'm sure you've tried the menu+select trick already... They do have lots of more involved and useful stuff too though.

WV: tsvjzhpq. A charming village deep in the heart of Poland.

Kell said...

I'm awaiting Santa's arrival with a teeny-tiny ninny-nano pod. I'm now really rather worried that I'll look at it & it'll fall apart.

Loved the lament - poetry in it's truest form.

I laughed so hard I almost ended up sitting in a puddle.

Sorry :}

smoo2 said...

Excellent lament, James! Perhaps your next literary project should be a Book of Laments by the blue cat. Kind of appropriate really.