Saturday, March 19, 2005

It's not as if I even react...

Some conversations with your parents you just have to write down before you forget them:

MUM: Ooh, there was a play on the radio about a comedy scriptwriter yesterday.
ME: Oh right?
MUM: Yes, he was out of work.
ME: Okay.
MUM: Because you can't say 'An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman..' any more, because of political correctness.
ME: Or possibly, those jokes just aren't that-
DAD: -or nig-nogs.

Pause

ME: Mmm?
DAD: You can't say 'a wog, a nig-nog, and a woo-woo...'

Longer pause.

ME: A 'woo-woo'?
DAD: Yes.

Pause

ME: You made that up.
DAD: (suddenly distracted) Apparently, it says here in the Daily Mail, a women was arrested for throwing a cucumber at her brother.
MUM: I'm sure I've thrown much worse things than cucumbers at my brother.
ME: Oh my god.

Still, he gave me a very nice bottle of wine for tonight, so all is forgiven. Still, if there's any gorgeous sistahs out there who'd like to freak my dad out, could you come over to my parents' with me and pretend to be my girlfriend? It would be hilarious. Well, for me. Actually, I'm sure Dad would be very charming, and you'd probably get an excellent bottle of wine.

Maybe I should drag David McAlmont over, for double points. He hasn't released an album for ages, so he's probably up for it...

(I should have asked him what the rest of the joke was. But I have a feeling he might have seen the project through, and that would have been worse...)

13 comments:

Kalista said...

I suspect that David MacAlmont is very very free since old bernard has kissed and made up (so to speak) with Brett Anderson and formed the tears (aka suede mark 2) I feel slightly sorry for him actually. Perhaps he can find some other slightly out of work musicians and form a new-wave folk-thrash band.

Be a modern man james, you don't need a pretty girl on your arm! As those awful american shrinks are always saying "who's looking after number 1?" and besides, the 'pretend to be my girlfriend' line always goes badly in the movies. As a great songwrite once said "...if a person should ever like a person, then a person should like you..."

Kalista

cello said...

You have to forgive parents, because it's not their fault. Blame the Daily Mail. And they've spent our lifetime forgiving us....for puking on their head, or for telling the fat lady next door that Daddy says her arse blocks out the sun etc etc.

James, I've left a very late comment on your Shakespeare bit. How far back do you normally look by the way?

james henry said...

I just saw that! But I was ashamed that your one comment exceeded by far my entire Shakespearean knowledge. And I'm not sure even sure I spelt 'knowledge' correctly, looking at it. But I do think some kind of Shakespeare/GW combo would have potential...

Rather chuffed to see I know three people in Casanova (although I haven't seen it yet). Of course when I say 'know' I really mean 'met', but still....

cello said...

Think how many people are going around saying they 'know' you. I certainly am, even though you had previously only said 'Hello' to me, and that not in real life either.

Knowledge is spelt perfectly by the way.

There are more roles for GW cast members in Twelfth Night. Mark H as Malvolio, Karl as Sir Andrew Aguecheek, and, with a bit of padding, Steve as Sir Toby Belch. I suppose Sarah A could be Olivia and Pippa or Michelle as Maria but they would not be perfect.

So go on, write to the BBC.

Maus said...

I know someone in the new *film* of Casanova! I am not sure how many tv people=a film person. What is the current exchange rate? And therefore, who is best?

james henry said...

Agent Ginny totally on the case with the Beeb... And the official exchange rate is 2TVs = 1Film, so Maus, I'm half a person in front. But you can raise me a Herring, so really we're at least quits.

Lauren said...

hah! all you with your celebrity obsessed lifestyles! i on the other hand am kept comletely sane by heat magazine...and the c4 comedy forum...

cello said...

What name do you go by on the C4 forum Lauren....if you're prepared to say?

Steve Dix said...

Forget David McAlmont. If you really want to freak your dad out, take RuPaul.
(That's the 6-foot-tall black transvestite with whom Elton John remade "Don't Go Breaking My Heart").

Shari said...

Hi James it's Shari. Yes THAT Shari, but don't worry, I'm not stalking you or anything.

Just letting you know that we have more than being frustrated writers in common. My mother always uses the phrase nig-nogs to describe any ethnic minority, thinking it's the polite way to describe them. There's only so many times I can try to explain it to her but what can you do...she means no harm.

Lauren said...

i go by the name of ickle gem. i'm now severely embarrassed and have to go sit in a corner and mumble quietly to myself...

cello said...

Thanks Lauren/IG. I won't mention it again if you'd rather...

Christina said...

NOT FAIR. I'm stamping my feet and having a tantie. Your parents are funny AS WELL AS dysfunctional. I'm jealous.

Kt and I have been puzzling over "woo-woos" - not a word we've come across before (might be an English thing ...). Then tonight at choir, completely out of nowhere, a singer was talking about walking into a woo-woo shop that sold crystals. Wow - the universe certainly did provide in this instance! I've learnt the meaning of a new word today. Happiness.