Bollocks to the 'Royle Family', the Green Wing final episode* was millions better. Although I didn't actually watch the 'Royle Family' final episode. And Jessica Stephenson's in it sometimes, and she's great. But bollocks to it anyway. Still, always nice to be nominated.
Patroclus was shouting out the highlights to me through the door (I was having a bath).
PATROCLUS: Oooh, I just saw Rob!
Five minutes later.
PATROCLUS: Green Wing didn't get anything again.
Ten minutes later.
PATROCLUS: Hahahahaha, Ross Kemp's won an award!
Anyway television was just a phase really, I'm a film writer now, which is much more interesting and glamourous. In my new role as an interesting and glamourous film writer, I have decided that it is my duty to explain to all the starting-out wannabe apprentice film writers the secret of my enormous glamour and interestingness.
Thusly, here are some tips:
1. Try inserting helpful drawings into your finished script: if a scene includes, say, an explosion, then a scribbly fireball with severed heads and limbs coming out of it will always grab a studio executive's attention!
2. If you have a particular actor in mind for a certain role, why not cut faces out of magazines, then put it next to each line of dialogue, so it's like he's doing speech bubbles.
3. Always end scripts with big kisses in green ink and alternative phone numbers at your place of work where messages can be left if you are doing a poo.
4. Include a list of 'Actresses I Fancy'. Don't worry about crossings-outs and underlinings, that shows you have really thought about it.
5. When you've finished your script, rearrange the pages so the scenes with the best lines are first, like in a trailer.
6. Actors who have bought you drinks recently should be mentioned by name in the script as a suggestion for a character. Actors who laugh derisively when you interrupt their half-hour flow of 'things I said in Hollywood recently' to tell them you've written a superhero movie WILL NEVER BE IN IT EVER.
7. You know who you are.
* UPDATE: Rob informs me in the comments below that it wasn't the special that was nominated, it was Series 2.