Friday, June 30, 2006

Plink

I've been swimming regularly at a hotel near the beach for about two and a half years now. At first I was going a couple of times a week, but recently (after being given a keyring with a little one-pound-sized token on it that finally removes the excuse of 'I haven't got a quid for the lockers, I may as well stay in bed') I've been going a proper three times times* a week.

A couple of people asked recently if I've lost weight, and after departing the hotel this morning I finally thought to myself, 'do you know, I think they might be right'. It had been a good forty-minute swim, and so, glowing with health, and feeling just a teensy bit like I had proper actual swimming muscles, I smiled benevolently at the world and took a deep breath of fresh cornish air.

At which point the button on my shorts popped, said garment sinking immediately to just above my knees.

In the distance, a cow mooed, mournfully and with a trace of fierce regret. An ambulance drove past, very slowly.

I am home now. I do not think I will go out again.


* I won't amend this mistake, especially for Dave.

37 comments:

Marsha Klein said...

If the shorts sank immediately to just above your knees then you obviously have lost weight. It's when buttons fly off and garments remain EXACTLY WHERE THEY ARE that you have to start worrying!

Ems said...

Hahaha! You couldn't make it up, could you? (Could you?!)

Look on the bright side, maybe it's just because you've got so muscly that your stomach's actually grown...

Jayne said...

Stay indoors, read a book, play D&D. We don't want you to be glowing with health - it's not normal.

Maud said...

The other day when I was upset I knocked a cactus onto myself. I felt like a cartoon.

JonnyB said...

Did the vicar turn up at that very moment?

james henry said...

JB, I was slightly surprised that he didn't. I might try again tomorrow and see if a nearby trombonist leans out of his window and plays a descending scale.

Squarah said...

You should thank yourself lucky that the coach full of children on the way to their educational school trip at Asda didn't drive past!

Lynsey said...

something similar happened to me with my P.E. skirt while doing the hurdles on sports day one year. The botton came off as did the skirt.
I came last.

Jack said...

Dammit, JonnyB beat me to it.

Imo said...

My friend has one of those tokens on a keyring, it's a smiley face one. In fact, I am green with envy and want one. It will make future visits to Homebase a lot less stressful, as I can saunter up gracefully to the trolleys and flash my smiley face!

LMS said...

Coincidently I've split my jeans over my arse today. However it's a verticle split over one cheek and therefore looks a bit like a style feature. Otherwise everyone at work is too polite to point it out.

Who is this Dave? said...

How often is three times times?

*He asks pedantically.*

*James amends post*

*Everyone thinks it's Dave who's wierd*

*Attention is thus drawn away from James' belly*.

Heather said...

Oooh you know just how to torment a pedant James, how cruel.

Sorry to hear about your shorts problem, but it did give me a giggle on an otherwise depressing day so thank you.

realdoc said...

If you're not losing weight swimming 3 times a week you're not doing it right. Have you still got your foot on the bottom?

Justine said...

I'm sorry to hear about that, but indeed i got a good chuckle out of it. Brilliant. Absolutely brilliant.

Jen said...

Maybe the shorts just gave up under the pressure of your newly-formed swimming abs and thighs, James...

james henry said...

That's probably it.

Well done on the Spoon of Destiny fan vid by the way - very good. Clearly a career as a top editor awaits (although from one misspeller to another, 'destruction' is spelled with an 'e'). I'd quite like to see lots of serious bits of GW glued together at some point with a Phillip Glass soundtrack to see just how different it could look.

For those who missed it, the link to Jen's video is: here

realdoc said...

That vid is classic

Jen said...

:o Sh...ugar!

WHY didn't I notice that? Y'see... 'A's in English mean nowt these days! :p

Glad you like it; y'know, aside from my inherent stupidity.

...I cannot believe I did that. You know when you watch something over and over looking for mistakes and you JUST DON'T SEE IT.

*wonders why noone noticed that before*

Jen said...

I'm actually gutted. GUTTED I TELL YOU. How is this 17 year old supposed to make a living and become an editor when she can't spell?!

Can Billy Sneddon spell? hehe...

I was the school pedant! This shouldn't be so! *paces*

Who is this Dave? said...

Oh well, talking of pedants Jen, would you like to employ me as spellchecker?

patroclus said...

Talking of spellchecking, Dave, did you notice that above you wrote the following:

*Everyone thinks it's Dave who's wierd*

Closely followed by:

*Attention is thus drawn away from James' belly*

I know that this isn't my blog and that correcting people's spelling and grammar is petty and childish, but the temptation to invoke pots and kettles is quite strong...

Who is this Dave? said...

I put those errors in

a. ironically.
b. so that James didn't feel bad
c. because comments doesn't have a spellchecker.

Who is this Dave? said...

Oh, and
d. I was having a bad day and felt grumpy and out of sorts with the whole world and I know that nobody loves me and I'd had a letter from someone confirming that fact and so I vented my spleen (in a warm and freindly way) here when I really should have bitten my lip and kept quite and I now feel deeply ashamed and I won't do it ever again. Ever.

*Walks away, head hanging low. Finds cliff. Jumps off*

Who is this Dave? said...

*Also curses no spellchecker as he notices mis-spelling of 'friendly' as he plunges past it on way from top of cliff*

patroclus said...

Ahh, I'm sorry Dave. I can resist usually, but sometimes the urge to correct people is just too strong. And I know my own grasp of spelling and grammar is far from perfect - I start sentences with 'And', for a start.

Terri Nixon said...

And what's wrong with that?

James - Swimming for two and a half years, eh? How wrinkled are you?

Jen said...

Can I try to revive my pedantic nature, Dave, and point out that you have also spelled 'Quiet' as 'quite'.

*lightning thrashes and thunder booms in the background as she laughed hysterically*

Terri Nixon said...

and can I also be a pedant then, and point out that, much as I LOVED that video and therefore think you are a Goddess, you've got your tenses in a muddle there!

Jen said...

:D hehehe I know. I officially hate it. I was going to do a re-edit of it anyway when the last episode EVENTUALLY makes an appearance. I feel really stupid now I've left school.

Wait... are you talking about the video or my last post?

*lightning thrashes and thunder booms in the background as she laughed hysterically* It was that, wasn't it? Laughs, rather. :)

John - feel free to end the Pedant Wars at any point! :p

Heather said...

Who's John?

james henry said...

I'm not going to do any new posts - I'm just going to watch as the comment section on this one spirals out of control, eventually achieving sentience and going on to dominate a third of the galaxy.

Heather said...

Only a third?

Quite frankly I'm dissapointed.

It just seems terribly unambitious. Come on, half the galaxy at the very least?

Who is this Dave? said...

*Splat*.


Sound as Dave hits ground after falling from a spectacularly tall cliff.

*Dave picks himself up, having discovered ground is made of rubber. Walks past a discarded amulance lying at foot of cliff. Decides man/woman/generally sentient being who/which devises a spellchecker for comments section may be on for total domination of entire galaxy.*

Who is this Dave? said...

Would you believe I read through that very carefully, and corrected ten typos, without spotting 'amulance'. I expect the b fell off when it hit the ground.

james henry said...

Spelling in blog comments is clearly domed.

Jen said...

John was intentional.

...at the time. Now I'm a little confused.

In my head now, I'd presume I meant James. But I'm dited.*


*Dited is Scottish slang. Just in case...