The clues:
1. Becoming quite irate that Falmouth Tesco is a bit slow to serve, and has NO BLOODY HUMOUS.
2. I wander into my Best Mate's shop to say hello.
BM: Hello!
I make my greeting.
BM recoils.
BM: What did you just do?
ME: ?
BM: You kissed me on both sides of my face.
The manager is standing in the background, She has witnessed what just happend and is staring in horror.
MANAGER: You kissed her on both sides of her face!
ME: Did I?
BM: You've never done that before.
MANAGER: You've never done that before.
I leave, burning with shame.
3. I read in the Media Guardian that Talkback has thrown a party for 'talent' at which at least one Green Wing actor was present. I have heard nothing of this, and despite the fact that I was in Cornwall anyway, and so couldn't have gone THROW A MASSIVE HISSY FIT.
Later I complain to my girlfriend, who is stuck out in rural France, looking after her severely ill mother. She is very sympathetic, and rightly so, frankly. This is a hard time for me, and I need lots of care and attention.
So I decide to take the dogs for a walk, from Flushing to Mylor, as tramping through good honest cornish mud might put me back in touch with what's important and shit.
Actually it's great: the dogs behave (Head Dog gets a bit bouncy, but I keep my arms folded so he can't chew off any extremities) and the combination of low sun and sea fog lends the walk a pleasingly gothic touch.
Back in the car, I sit and reflect. It is good here, away from the politics and iniquities of the capital. Head Dog grins at me. Lurchers are quite grinny dogs anyway, but this one is a bit deerhoundy and a bit saluki(ey) as well, so he does have quite a pleasing face when he's not savaging my limbs.
I lean out and ruffle his ears. He is a good dog, at heart.
Terrible noxious, yet somehow organic fumes suddenly fill the car. The windows steam up, and the radio turns to static. Head Dog's grin suddenly has a rather pleased quality.
ME: ARGH JESUS CHRIST YOU MONSTROUS BASTARD etc.
22 comments:
A) You plonk kisses on OTHER WOMEN.
B) Your girlfriend is out of the country.
I think the dog got it right.
Merry Christmas.
Fair point.
I am in the West Country for Christmas. There is hummous here though, luckily.
Did anyone witness your massive hissy fit?
Kicking your shoes around your bedroom for a bit isn't so bad.
No, it was a very localised hissy fit, and I didn't feel the need to drag anyone else into it. Apart from the entire internet, just now.
I think I just needed a strop about something that didn't really matter, and that did the job nicely.
So was it an important GW actor, or just one that will go anywhere if there's free hospitality involved?
It's a bit of a London thing, all that kissing cheeks stuff. My friends are all doing it and I never know whether to go for one cheek, both or neither. Can't we just shake hands like we used to? My Cornish friends don't do that. I only see them once or twice a year and even when I saw one of them recently after 18 years, we just sort of nodded and went "Alright?" None of this kissy nonsense.
Unless I'm drunk. In which case, I'll kiss anybody.
Merry Christmas James, hope that head dog doesn't pinch your dinner tomorrow.
I wasn't invited either.
ps - some gw actors will go to the opening of an envelope and i applaud them for that
Me too. I recently discovered some of the actors still have proper jobs, so need all the free booze and vol-au-vents they can get their hands on, poor little buggers (I should point out I was invited to the comedy awards, but couldn't make it).
Head Dog did eat some of my dinner, by the way, then Smaller Dog ate the chestnuts I had quite genuinely beeen roasting on an open fire.
My main Christmas entertainment so far has been How Many Leftover Sausages Wrapped in Bacon Can The Dog Eat Before Being Sick? We ran out when he'd swallowed 19 whole. Dogs rock.
My dog ate two chocolates and promptly threw up...clearly some dogs aren't very hardcore.
I was invited to the village party, which I duly attended. There weren't any GW actors there, but people I hadn't met before came up to me and said 'I've heard of you - you're the one with broadband'. No dogs ate anything, but the hairy cat got in the burs and consequently I had to cut a lot of its fur off. I ate two leftover sausages wrapped in bacon and was almost sick but not quite.
I think that concludes the news from your rural south of France correspondent.
What? What's been happening? What party? Which GW actor? Why did the Media Guardian know about it? What did they say? Was it Lorraine's thing? Who are you?
Love
Mr Questions
We've all got over it now Rob, do keep up.
My chum Fil has a lurcher and it always leans, always bloody LEANS. Lean, lean, lean. You can be standing six feet away and within seconds, it's leaning against you, leaning you into the wall, leaning you through plate glass windows, leaning you off cliffs. BLOODY LEANING DOG, ALWAYS BLOODY LEANING.
Oh dear, these poor dogs. My dog was watching one of the Christmas lectures and growling. Obviously she thought she knew better.
James, I've just watched the second series of GW with the Husband in preparation for the BIG SPECIAL next week and while casually flicking through the "Extras", suddenly shouted "Blimey! That's James Henry!" (actually, it's wasn't Blimey, but this is a family blog ;-)
You're really young! And quite foxy! Woof woof!
I need to get out more.
*blushes*
Re: Hummous in Falmouth Tesco - They keep it by the salad (of course!)... I circled the store many times looking by the cheese and the cold meats...and was on the verge of tears before I stumbled upon it.
Unless you mean they were just sold out, which wouldn't surprise me, because they are useless.
Post a Comment