Sunday, December 03, 2006

dogswearing

Back in Cornwall now, after an absence of about six weeks. My first impulse was to head into town and see if the Tiny Tears doll is still wedged into the second indentation in the 'W' in the Woolworths sign, but instead I headed for my parents' to pick up the post.

Heading up the steep lane on the last bit of the journey, I could see the figure of m'mother in the distance, accompanied by her two dogs, Dog A: small and bouncy whippet, and Dog B: Mostly Deerhound, the list of whose crimes breaks roughly into the killings (which also involve eatings) and the the eatings (which for all I know involved a killing), and now have a semi-regular listing in the Guardian Weekend Guide. Sadly, he probably gets the Express.

Mother waved, and the two dogs detached themselves from her side. Dog A trotted prettily towards me, tail wagging in a friendly fashion, by which time Dog B (much much biggger) had crossed the distance between us and had my forearm clenched firmly between his jaws.

ME: ARGH JESUS CHRIST ARGH YOU MONSTROUS BASTARD

Finally he lets go, dances around a bit and goes back to my mother.

MOTHER: (sympathetically) Tch. Did you forget to fold your arms?

There was a massive storm last night all over Cornwall, and fallen trees litter the roads and pathways, although oddly no-one heard a thing (Police Baffled). I picked up a broken branch to carry back, because we live off the land down here, and Dog B immediately seized the end of it, growling fiercely and making it approximately ten times heaver. Apparently he 'thought it was a broom'.

Later on I sit at my parents' and nurse a cup of tea. Dog B creeps up to me and sadly lays his heavy head upon my knee, his large brown eyes gazing up into mine.

ME: Oh fuck you.




UPDATE: the post, by the way, included a small knitted Spider-Man finger puppet, sent to me from Chile. Thanks Paula.

13 comments:

BiScUiTs said...

Wow a knitted spiderman from Chile? Hehe.

Rose said...

This is why I like cats. If a cat wants to clamp on to your forearm it will have nothing whatsoever to do with whether your arms are folded.

Valerie said...

Perhaps the Spider-Man will prove a defense against Dog B. I know it would scare /me/.

I agree with Rose. You never get large brown cat eyes gazing mournfully up at you. You get narrowed green eyes, staring persistently into yours in the wee hours of the morn until you wake up, cat drool cold on your nose, and pet the bastard.

Not that I don't love her.

Button said...

Hoovering the living room carpet in Merry preperation for Christmas. Whistling a jaunty Yuletide tune. I find something behind the sofa. It is a headless mouse. Guess where I found its head?
I think my cats in the mafia.
I hate it.

James- the Pants ever reemerge from dog A or was it B?

cello said...

I hope Dog B didn't draw blood, such as that drawn by the latest addition to the cello household - a blue-tongued skink. This reptile, far from being grateful for being rescued from the animal retailer and being transported to his own massive, centrally-heated vivarium(with jacuzzi), decided to take a chunk out of young cello when being fed fresh papaya and defrosted baby mice. He was probably pissed off at being named Trevor(to make him match the rest of us T-named inhabitants).

I know what you're thinking - that I am trying to re-create my own I'm A Celeb...jungle in the Chilterns so I can humiliate wild animals any time I want. But in fact I was dead against it. I wanted a cat.

Anyway, commiserations. The perfidy of animals!

PS Trevor's tongue really is remarkably blue, and matches the duvet cover very nicely.

Anonymous said...

Erm, not quite what I expected when I saw the title - either a post about dogs swearing, or the wearing of dogs; perhaps both - but very funny nonetheless (for those of us with ungnashed arms).

Then again, in that your forearm was, for a while at least, inside Dog B, I suppose the post did *technically* contain the wearing of at least one dog. And expecting talking dogs was probably a touch unrealistic on my part. Ho hum.

Lyn said...

But was the doll still in the W?

Anonymous said...

Speaking of knitted finger puppets, have you seen Green Knit Wing on livejournal?

There're a few 'episodes' on there. I linked to my favourite.

I can't BELIEVE noone on the writing team thought of this one, actually.

patroclus said...

Oo, that 'Operation' thing is excellent. Was that Rose that did that?

james henry said...

Ha! That was good, well done.

Puppets are great.

Rose said...

Oh, God.

I'm not sure I meant for real people to ever see that.

Anonymous said...

Ah, Rose! Don't be embarrassed. It's really very very good. :P

James after all does (or did. Long time no see.) Toy-fu.

Sorry if you really didn't want him to see that....

Rose said...

I'm not really that bothered, it's just it feels a bit like stealing. Also, I think they are hilarious, but that's because they're in-jokes with friends and not actually funny for anyone else.