Tuesday, December 19, 2006

The Worst Christmas Presents I Have Ever Given* (*not Received, note, but Given)

To: My gran, last christmas

This weird game, which was like a cross between Scrabble and Boggle, in which you dropped Scrabble cubes (not blocks) into a a grid, then pushed a slidey thing which supposedly jumbled the cubes randomly, so players could then argue whether 'sploof' (the sound made when someone messages you on Skype Chat) is actually a word (it isn't).

In fact, none of the pieces fit together properly, so you wrestled with the slidey thing for ages, then suddenly all the Scrabble Cubes exploded out of the grid at astonishing velocity, blinding relatives and upsetting the cat (it's dead now).

To: Best Mate, about nine years ago

One of those carved nut things, which when you open it, reveals a carved beetle thing, which wobbles its legs like it's alive. BM opens it:

BM: Some of its legs seem to be missing.
ME: Oh, maybe that's why Debs (girlfriend at the time) gave it back to me.
BM throws carved nut thing at my head.

ME: (outraged) Oh my god, you are so ungrateful!

To: My Little Brother, about (jesus fucking christ) twenty years ago (seriously, jesus fucking christ)

A penknife. Only one of the blades had broken off, and the other bit, which seemed to be an odd hollow pointy thing, was covered in rust, which flaked off when you tried to open it. I bought this at a carboot sale in the mid-december rain at Swanpool carpark and decided to hand it over to my brother as an early christmas present, so I wouldn't have to bother getting him a proper present.

I was later shouted at by my mum, who explained that it wasn't the crapness of the thing that was the issue, so much as the fact that I had extorted the money to pay for it from my brother himself right then and there, and afterwards shouted at him for not showing (again) the appropriate gratitude.

If I was my parents, I probably would have drowned me.

24 comments:

Valerie said...

Dead *because* of the Scrabble Cube Volcano? Man. I hope you can live with your guilt. Cat-killer.

I have a carved beetle nut like that, which, iirc, was a gift from a lover at the time. Mine is missing one leg. But that was my fault. I was trying to show that it could ride a bicycle. It, too, may have been a recycled gift, now that I come to think about it...

Billy said...

I cannot top these. But I did give someone a tin on chopped tomatoes for his birthday. I wrapped it and everything.

Billy said...

erm... that should be "tin of" of course.

james henry said...

I was impressed you managed to wrap it...

richard said...

Received, not Given:
My ex-colleague Mr Howe has in the past given me a carrot ("cos you're vegetarian") and some library books ("they need to be back by the weekend.")

Anonymous said...

I got matching teatowls and napkins for christmas once from a Great Aunt.

I was nine, and not overly impressed.

Anonymous said...

I keep buying things that I like for people, not because I want to spread the love of the thing, but because I want a reason to buy it. So I'll give it to them... then borrow it for a real long time.

Leila said...

I have to say, that was very impressive!

I tend to give good gifts, in hope that I'll recieve good gifts. It doesn't work.

My brother once gave me a potato. Wrapped up in lots of news paper with lots of cellotape to make it infuriating to open. I put it on my window sill and left it there for a good many months.

It shrank, turned green and started growing stuff.

Not pretty.

Nanga Parbat said...

Yeah but you totally redeemed youself by buying me an Ultimate Iron Man action figure with several points of articulation which is a genius gift and makes me happy just thinking about it. Cheers matey!

james henry said...

True, that was a fucking good present.

I am redeemed.

Anonymous said...

i can't remeber any drastically bad presents that i have given to people BUT last year i was very pissed off when i had this big box - I got very excited by thins thinking it may be something useful for a change from my aunt and uncle but NOOOO it was a bloody chair!! and not a lovely padded chair with arms but this shite chair from ikea that I had to put together myself, and it it's just sooo uncomfy and a peice of rubbish - that was not good

oh and the yeah before the only present from my parents in my stocking was a pair of plain black gloves - not even a bloody orange!!!

Ros x

belladona said...

I'm slightly concerned for Patroclus now.

belladona said...

Actually I can't talk, I tried to get my boyfriend to give his sister a lump of coal for christmas. This evil plan only failed because all his coal got wet and crumbled away. It would have been funny...
She's going to poison me over christmas isn't she?

button said...

yup.

Anonymous said...

But I once gave my sister a novelty globe shaped pencil sharpener that I found at school.
Being the turn of the nineties I'm sure it was out of date as well. Lots of countries that had recently ceased to exist.

Spinsterella said...

A 'gold' cross and chain to my first ever boyfriend, aged 12. The chain had already rusted.

Catkin said...

I went to a hen party once where we'd all been instructed to make something to give to the bride-to-be. I made her a white lacy bridal cigarette-packet cosy. Out of an old pair of my knickers.

cello said...

Yeh, Billy if you can wrap cylinders I need your help right now in the Chilterns. Good money to be earned. Why do posh things think it's clever to have silly-shaped packaging (like tinned tomatoes)?

Worst present I've given was a 'toy' which, when you hold both handles gives you an electric shock. Nice. Amnesty International are investigating. This was to my son.

Worst present received were bath bombes containing lots of dried petals and herbs, so when you got out of the bath you look like a dustbin has been tipped over you.

Rose said...

I've run out of money for presents this year. Last minute scrabbling around in the room I still have in my parents' house has yeilded a nice candle. The wick is a bit burn-y but it will do for a Secret Santa...

Anonymous said...

I got an ironing board cover. It wasn't even a novelty one with a naked man on it or anything.

Anonymous said...

You terrible man! Wish I'd given those mince pies to your brother now.

Jayne said...

Ungrateful bastards the lot of them...

Imo said...

The other half's grandmother (god rest her soul) used to give me slinky knickers every year without fail. However, I could never quite bring myself to wear them if in a 'slinky mood' as images of the grandmother would rise before me!

Anonymous said...

you are the secret twin of my brother - he once gave me a second had game boy for my birthday then two days later demanded payment.

thw worst gifts i have given have to be the inordinate number of candlesticks, picture frames and vases i bought my mother over the years. some might say that lipstick, a brush for colouring in her eyebrows and some foot cream which dissolves the hard skin on your feet was a crap gift, i however think she looks strange without eyebrows, would not bu posh lippie herself and my dad does say she has hooves not feet, but...only time and the judgment of others will tell.