Friday, July 17, 2009

Medieval Wifi

DAMMIT, the only sketch I've written lately I was even half-pleased with was a historical anachronism joke on exactly the same subject as the first sketch in last night's final Mitchell and Webb series.

Arses. Still, it does go to show how similar ideas can come about very easily, and why it doesn't do to get too proprietorial about sketches. For the record, this was a sketch I wrote for Armstrong and Miller, which didn't get used in the end, like, erm, all the other sketches they commissioned from me. Ah well.

‘KNIGHTS’

Two knights, swords drawn, standing by some battlements.

KNIGHT 1
Got wifi on yours?

KNIGHT 2 frowns waves his sword around vaguely. After a bit it pings and lights up briefly at the end.

KNIGHT 2
Hey, look at that!

KNIGHT 1
Started getting podcasts on mine. Film reviews and stuff.

KNIGHT 2
I gave up, could never pick up a signal.

KNIGHT 1
Tell you where’s good, up by the trebuchet.

KNIGHT 2
Right, right, don’t tend to be up there as a rule.

KNIGHT 1
Also, down in the oubliette, but you know...

KNIGHT 2 shivers. Silence for a bit.

KNIGHT 2
Used to listen to a lot more music, but the headphones are rubbish.

KNIGHT 1
Also, mugger magnet.

KNIGHT 2
Oh yeah, my mate Sir Lawrence, went out, white earbuds gleaming in the darkness, got Saracened. Fifteen of the buggers.

KNIGHT 1
Oooooh.

KNIGHT 2
Did all right though, slaughtered every last one. It’s a sword as well, innit?

KNIGHT 1
Do you know, sometimes I forget that.

KNIGHT 2 waves his sword around again. Nothing.

KNIGHT 2
Tch, lost it again.

KNIGHT 1
Sometimes I think it’s like witchcraft.

KNIGHT 2 looks worried.

KNIGHT 1 (CONT’D)
(hastily) It’s not though.

KNIGHT 2
‘Phew’!

LATER

A KNIGHT in full armour on horseback, riding across a meadow. Suddenly he stops, and raises his visor. Looking around, he sees two different gates leading out of the field in different direction. He looks from one to other, confused.

KNIGHT 1
Hmmm.

He looks down to the small satnav device stuck on top of the saddle, and presses a button.

SATNAV
Five hundred meters from the site of the foul murder of Lord Gladwell at the hands of the ingrate Scottish peasantry... turn left.

KNIGHT 1
Oh left!

He spurs the horse towards the left gate and disappears out of sight.

12 comments:

Kevin said...

Love it.

Jason Arnopp said...

"Do you know, sometimes I forget that" = LOL. As indeed, did other bits. Bad luck, Sir!

PK said...

Oh that cheered me up mightily. Excellent.

Fat Roland said...

My biggest laughs were at "Hey, look at that!", "up by the trebuchet", "mugger magnet" and "turn left." (I'd need to look up 'oubliette'!)

I'm always working on ideas that I then see somewhere else. Must be a million times more frustrating for you. I had character sheets and plot ideas written out a sitcom with a ghost working with a demon and a vampire - and then saw a trailer for Being Human. Gah!

james henry said...

Ah yes, see: 'Something Very Similar In Development'

patroclus said...

'Up by the trebuchet' is my favourite bit as well.

Simon said...

You could (and maybe should) develop a whole series of sketches on this concept. Very funny!

Si said...

That is, as they say, "a shit of a thing". Actually, they don't say that do they? What is it they say again? I can't remember but you know what I mean.

Marsha Klein said...

I can't believe Armstrong & Miller didn't use your sketches. If ever there was a show that could use an injection of new material, that's it.

WV. lemebe. For all those Greta Garbo types out there.

Eleanor said...

A signal ... in the oubliette? *shudder*
...Are you sure about that!?


Horrid thoughts race through my mind, but it also made me laugh.

Valerie said...

Their loss -- cracked me up. And I dearly needed a laugh this morning.

Boz said...

This is really good. Not least because the thing my iPhone does least well is make and receive telephone calls.