Sunday, August 13, 2006


If I have to see one more fucking article about Keith Fucking Richards, I will come up to London and there will be Stern Words.

Yes well done, he's:

1. Reached the age of one million years old
2. Has taken a metric shitload of drugs and is,
3. Still alive.

The same could be said of my gran, and she's skint, which is much more impressive.

This is like when I was working in a factory, listening to Radio 4 for the rare twenty minutes a day when the Sodding Archers* wasn't on, and the Queen Mother was going into hospital for a hip operation. Anyway, whatever idiot news presenter happened to be standing outside the hospital that day was lucky enough to have QM driven past him in a enormous gold taxi, at which point he brought SHAME ON AN ENTIRE NATION by calling out 'Good luck, Ma'am!'. You could actually hear his massive erection, never before have I believed in the magic of radio, but that day there it was.

I think it was one of the Dimblebys.


* Ah, now, it may look here as though I'm dissing the Tamster, but I had a chat with her about the fact that I can't stand the Archers, although I did listen to the episode in which Debbie (Tamsin) departed, which left me with a bit of a lump in my throat, because I thought to myself 'She's leaving, because she's COMING TO WORK FOR MEEEEEE!'.

She laughed, thankfully.

Also, bloody also (no more coffee for me tonight, but the underlying feelings are true and noble, and cannot be denied), whilst I was working in that factory for two years, I listened to Radio 4 on my radio walkman every hour of every single day (apart from when the Soddding Archers came on, when I put a tape on instead).

And over those two years, I heard precisely ONE RADIO PLAY that wasn't shit. ONE PLAY. It was about the Molly Maguires and how the Pinkerton Detective Agency tried to crush striking miners in the US in the Nineteen Umpties, and it was brilliant. Every single other radio play, over a period of, I repeat, TWO YEARS, was absolutely rubbish. I'm sorry, but there it is.

However, this was the period when the John Major government was imploding, and the Radio 4 political coverage was brilliant, like the greatest soap opera ever. Conniving Tory bastards all denying leadership ambitions whilst installing extra phone lines, giving coded press releases and the like, magic stuff.


Izzy said...

aaaaaand - relax?

Rose said...

Wow, that sounds like it was building up for some time. Feeling tense, James?

Have some coffee, should cool you right down.

Anonymous said...

May I suggest a nice cup of tea, and maybe an afternoon nap, or a neck massage, or something.

PS word verification - brkytbx. Some sort of breakfast cereal perhaps?

Matt said...

ever such a lot of anger.

james henry said...

You bet your bum.

Anonymous said...

Blimey, what did Keith Richards do to you? Why don't you put all this anger into a best selling screen play then get back on with smelling the flowers...

james henry said...


I'm going to play Warcraft now, see if that calms me down.

Kirses said...

yeah cos that'll work

james henry said...


I will never reach the dizzy heights of level 40 when you can ride your own tiger my life sucks

Sal said...

Nothing that a hot cuppa with 2 sugars can't sort out. Failing that listen to one of those 'chillout albums' either from Classic fm or the Ministry of Sound. Neither of which are particularly relaxing but they make you think you're relaxing and so somehow you do relax.

One thing that maybe I should point out is that you have indirectly criticised Tamsin with your negative words at The Archers. Next thing you know you'll be saying 'fuck' infront of her.

Word Verification: kgvzyurr - Yurr.

leonie said...

do you really call her "the tamster"?
I heard her on radio four the other night, she was guest hosting or something. she has a beautiful voice. i sort of have a crush on her.
it's late. i speak/write in short sentences.

what did the factory produce?

cello said...

I feel much the same way about Russell Brand (I assume you were reading The Observer). Not quite so old as KR in fairness.

I only noticed him about 6 weeks ago and I'm already sick of his pointy nose, heroin-chic body and shouty voice.

cello said...

Oh, and I also HATE The Archers. The music actually makes me retch.

Rose said...

So we don't mention upcoming Radio 4 plays featuring Messrs Mangan and Rhind-Tutt then?

james henry said...

I heart cello.

Rose, this was ages ago, I'm sure r4 plays are all brilliant these days.

Anonymous said...

Heroin-chic? Dear God let it not become common parlance for that would be frightening, because it's so accurate,and then all the kidz would think it kool.

Button said...

thats okay anonymous.
They'll all be too poor to achieve the look anyway.

realdoc said...

I had an archers habit for 10 years on which I have recently gone cold turkey.I hated it but I couldn't stop listening to it. I used to spend most of the programme shouting at the radio anyway. Ruth was a particular hate figure for me.

I agree about radio 4's dramatic output being crap for a long time. Have to say I think it has improved lately.

Russell Brand? Tosser!

Hamilton's Brain said...

The Archers is there for you to shout at whilst doing last night's washing up. Currently hooked on the Eddy's a Junkie plot...

"Moybe I don't want to deal with it. Moybe I jus' wanna drink booze and smoke craaaack!"

It's like your great aunt trying to talk to you about the hookers in Grand Theft Auto. And then there's a certain phrase that crops up with alarming alacrity (not that there's any other kind of alacrity, you'll notice). We turned the Archers on the other day just as the coke-addled Eddy shouting out "It's moy loif!" I suspect the writers have a side-bet going on how many times they can get it in in the space of a month. We have since realised that "It's moy loif" is actually the words for the theme tune.

And then there's the agricultural story editor bits, that fall delicately into place like anvils on egg shells:

"Oi see you're 'avin' a bit of repair work done on your dry stone wall, Tom?"
"'ass roit, Tom, oi am, but it's expensive work"
"You do know, Tom, that there's a graaant available from the government for dry-stone wall repairwork? Part of naaaaational heritage."
"Yep. Which is rich seein' as they still owes us haaaaf a million for the foot and mouth forago. Any ways, oi can't stand round here chattin' - Oim off into Ambridge to score some crystal meth."

That's my Archers material done with.

skeadugenga said...

Agree with you James about the bloody Archers, whenever I turn on R4, there it is, dumpty dumpty dumpty dum.. And when its not on, they're trailing the stories with inappropriately tense and dramatic music.

"Crossroads" with added yokels.

I'm sure Tamzin/Debbie was great, but I'm not listening to it, even for her.

Marsha Klein said...

The wonder of the Archers is that, in all those years, they've never managed to come up with a character that was less than destestable. You'd think they might have slipped up once...Radio 4 drama is still rather variable and can tend toward a lot of clunky explanation. I heard this parodied very amusingly once, along the lines of:

"Well met Brother Friar, on this shingle beach, in the year of our Lord, 12umptyum, year of the Black Death..." Well, roughly along those lines anyway!

P.S Check out The Archers Addicts message board - those are SCARY people!

nanga parbat said...

One of the manifold benefits of jacking in your job and buggering off around the world is that I have absolutely no idea who Russell Brand is. In fact, I've just beguiled at least half an hour with mental pictures of roly-poly 80's has-been Russell Grant looking emaciated and Pete Docherty-ish in a once-brightly coloured now seedily-stained jumper depicting the signs of the zodiac. Also, I was under the impression that Keith Richards had been killed by a falling coconut in Papua New Guinea or something.

Now James - calm down, take deep breaths and just think about that fold out map of The Nautilus in the next LOEG... That should do it.

james henry said...

Hellooo nanga!

Mmm... Nautilus...

I barely know who Russel Brand is myself, to be honest, although I stood next to him briefly at the GW2 launch and he was wearing expensive looking leather evening gloves and lots of eyeliner, so on that basis alone I think I can forgive him quite a lot.

JonnyB said...

I live in Norfolk and I have no idea who Russell Brand is. Well. I know who he is, cos I saw a picture. But I haven't a clue what he does.

I think, possibly, in the history of 'bigging up articles to try to get people to buy the newspaper' against 'the content of the articles themselves', that piece he did probably won't go down as a classic.

The Archers? Magic. Is Walter Gabriel still in it?

belladona said...

Russel Brand. Huh. He actually has a stylist. I'm not a fan.
There were any number of things in the Observer which I got annoyed about. I almost wrote A Stern Letter about the whole thing. Lethargy took over after about ten minutes though.
Possibly you should try camomile tea for a while, James?

baggiebird said...

I have never heard an episode of the archers, and I don't ever want to.

Russell Brand - complete tosser who's on everything = over exposure or what !

Billy said...

The Archers has my favourite theme tune ever.

The programme itself is rubbish though, like old style Emmerdale Farm with no pictures.

Jools said...

Also 'read' the observer but actually didn't read one wee bit of the music bit as I'm old now and am entitled to like what I like, and none of this new rubbish ;)
Have never listened to the Archers as the only type I'm interested is the type that tastes like peach fuzz and leaves your tongue in much the same way
Jonny B - I don't think most of the UK or Russell himself knows what he actually does, but he has taken Billster's advice and flung himself whole heartedly into the new eyeliner for men trend (soon to be sweeping the nation)

word vert = nilsu, some sort of japanese soup?

Button said...

I hope that the eyeliner for men trend may blossom into the full Adam Ant style pirate/highwayman look.

Hamilton's Brain said...

I saw Adam Ant was in the news a while back. The papers thought he'd cracked because he was seen in an old man's coat and cap, playing with a toy gun. Adam Ant dressing in strange, outdated clothes and playing with fantasy weapons? Surely that's business as usual!

*scuttles off to watch Jubilee under the covers*

Billy said...

The problem with my new 'eyeliner for men' trend is that I'm yet to adopt it myself.

I was in Boots today buying some smellies and as I walked past the make-up I giggled to myself as I remembered.

I must have looked like a right idiot.

belladona said...

'full Adam Ant style pirate/highwayman look'
Maybe there's a point to Russell Brand after all if he encourages this sort of thing.

Anonymous said...

I'm the only one who likes the Archers, then, yes? Being intensely annoying is part of its charm. In fact it may well be the sum total of its charm. Ah well, just me and the nutters on the Archers Addicts messageboard then (by the way I am not one of them. I would never get involved in an obsessive online community about some kind of fictional programme. God no).

patroclus said...

They can't prove a thing now, Pash. Let us give thanks for C4's wanton and savage annihilation of all old forum threads.

Paul Pennyfeather said...

I'm with pash on this one- I love it because it is so middle class and middle aged that it make me feel young and smug.

cello said...

I am all for eyeliner for men. Mr C was actually best friends with Adam Ant (Stuart something or other) at school so I am very susceptible to leather trousers, make-up and flowing shirts - which is why I rather enjoyed Pirates OTC 2 despite it being shit.

So that's not the problem with Russell Brand. I think it's because he clearly thinks he's so clever and handsome and outrageous when he's really not that different from anyone else.

And Billy, it's not humanly possible to love the Archers music. Perhaps you really are a rabbit. I will try out the music on the rabbits eating my lettuces and report back. Please let me send you some good music in the meantime.

skeadugenga said...

I worked in a factory for a year. The foreman was female (not that you could tell). She was in love with Elvis the recently dead. She had one half hour tape of Elvis hits. Nothing else was ever played on the factory tannoy. I've fucking hated Elvis ever since.