Thursday, August 03, 2006

fruit


lime
Originally uploaded by jamesandthebluecat.
FRUIT

I hand over my selection of fruit. Greengrocer looks at it doubtfully.

GG: Is that a greengage?
ME: It's a lime. Is that a kind of greengage?
GG: It doesn't look like a lime.
ME: I got it from the lime section
GG: Are you sure it's a lime?

Pause. We both look at the small green fruit for some time. It is both dimpled and citrussy. It is clearly a lime.

ME: Yes.
GG: Well all right then.

GG picks up a grapefruit.

GG: And this is a big... kind of... orange?
ME: It is a ruby star grapefruit.
GG: Oh.

He moves onto the next item.

ME: (helpfully) That's a banana.
GG: (defensive) All right mate, I know what a banana looks like!

The rest of the transaction is conducted in silence.


29 comments:

entropy said...

A greengage is a kind of plum (same family, anyway). Insert your own pun.

james henry said...

I thought it was something like that. Entropy, for speed and accuracy of reply, you are now the official Blue Cat Fruit Correspondent.

Hamilton's Brain said...

We should introduce you to our butchers. A joyful tirade of abuse, every Saturday.

Anonymous said...

When I worked on a check-out at Sainsburys we were given a fruit and veg identification test (I kid you not) so that we didn't miss-charge customers. And I thought speciality shops were meant to be more knowledgebale . . .

Hamilton's Brain said...

They even give that test to the kids who work on the pharmacy.

"What's this?"
"Paracetomal?"
"No, it's a butternut squash. What's this?"
"Ibuprofen?"
...

etc etc commission times 6

james henry said...

*applauds*

skeadugenga said...

He's obviously done O-level fruit, you should have started him on apples and pears and only then worked up to greengages, limes and ruby star grapefruit. Next you'll be lobbing kumquats and cape gooseberries at him demanding he give them their latin names..

Mr Angry said...

I want to know what the hell kind of party you were planning with a Lime, grapefruit and a banana.

Did the basket items that passed between you in silence include a lubricant?

That Bloody Woman said...

Greengages don't look anything like limes. They're an entirely different shade of green!

Me mother has two greengage trees and she is constantly trying to get me to eat them "...before the birds get to them". I have no objection to the nourishment of birds, let 'em eat plums!

The woman in ASDA gave me a dirty look when she scanned my lychees once. I think she thought I was showing off (People in Essex aren't allowed to go any more exotic then seedless grapes)

belladona said...

Anyone else think lychees taste slightly of icecream?
I used to work at a greengrocers once. In the greengrocers defence, ruby star grapefruit do look like some types of orange. The greengage thing is fairly unforgiveable though.
Mmm, now I want limes to make Moscow mules with.

smoo2 said...

Bit of banter at the greengrocer's, just what you need to get you through the day...

baggiebird said...

Really if he works in a greengrocers (or is he the greengrocer?) he should know what fruit he is selling and what it looks like. Or am I being unreasonable to think that a greengrocer type person would know about fruit and veg ?

Piers said...

Pfah.

Next you'll be demanding that executives know about story structure.

Terri Nixon said...

What does it say about my intelligence level that I can only read the line "that's a banana" in the voice of Kryten?
Seriously, can't do it in my own voice. Time to stop watching so much telly I think ...

entropy said...

Of course. Next time greengrocer Fruit Boy asks you what something is, you can tell him "It's a small, off-duty Czechoslovakian traffic warden."

frangelita said...

I think lychees taste of turkish delight. I used to work on the fruit and veg section of a major supermarket chain and the old man in charged decided it was necessary for me to try all the exotic fruits (which must have cost said supermarket chain about £10 as they were all ridiculously overpriced). So I can not only identify but also recognise the taste of sharon fruits, tamarinds, asian pears, papaya, paw-paw, custard apples, rambutan, and a host of other fruit. As for greengages, we didn't sell them as far as I recall but we used to have a greengage tree in our back garden. It got struck by lightning and had to be chopped down.

Tim Clague said...

This dialogue is now stolen and will be appearing in my next script. Many thanks. I'm off for a G&T with a slice of greengage!

woot said...

When I was in Oz the supermarket lady asked me what the parsnip I was attempting to purcase was and then they had the cheek to not sell brussel sprouts at Christmas!

Jen said...

I was doing Trading Standards today in work and only found one bashed courgette throughout the entirety of the Produce aisle.

ASDA wins.

*runs*

james henry said...

ASDA 'ahead on points'.

This is the problem - you defend local shops, then it turns out they're shit...

Fraudulent Little Tart said...

I sincerely hope there was a nice bottle of Tequila to go with that there lime.

Funny thing . . . I can't think of grapefruits now without thinking of the opening scenes of some random comedy series I watched once (you've probably never heard of it!).

Behold the power of television.

Tim Footman said...

I was at the market once, and picked up some broccoli from the front of the stall. I hadn't noticed the sign saying "PLEASE DO NOT TOUCH VEG ON DISPLAY"

So the greengrocer grumbles for about five minutes about people who can't read, and how you can go to evening classes to learn to read and write, and what's the world coming to.

So, it's true. I have had my literacy questioned by a greengrocer. If I'd been less embarrassed, I might have asked him for some hints as to the appropriate use of apostrophes. Sorry, apostrophe's.

love's child said...

After you left the guy probably rang his old teachers and berated them on not realising that the fruit flashcards were in the wrong order when they were teaching.

Button said...

I struggled to purchase some mange tout once.
I finally found it and took it to the counter.
"oh, you meant mangy towt"
"no, mange tout, it's french " I nervously replied.
Far from gettin the kicking I expected (rough area) she just made that ooeeohh noise that school children did when you were little and said something controversial.
I moved from that area pretty sharpish lest it was catching.

Jen said...

James... irony is a beautiful thing.

I was doing the same again today and found 13 bags of lemons that were completely blue and dusty.

Ew. ASDA has certainly lost points.

Rose said...

My mum attempts to grow greengages. They do not taste good.

My favourite fruit is the dragonfruit, which sadly does not look or taste as fantastic as it should. It instead looks like a mango had a brief but exciting affair with a pineapple.

Mummy/Crit said...

Rose, it makes into fantastic ice-cream though, and what a colour.

I want to spring to the defence of fruit and veg workers everywhere, we're not all as stupid as the apostrophes would have you believe, but it sounds like James got a doozy. Very Small ruby grapefruit could be mistaken for a large and anaemic orange, but the lime/greengage thing...

Fruit I don't like: tamarillos (weird cross between a tomaot and a passionfruit)

Jen said...

I used to love starfruit as a child.

We used to get forcefed them at nursery.

Button said...

"Is this the way to Tamerillo...."