Saturday, May 03, 2008

Well I'm delighted Boris Johnson was voted in as mayor of London.

Because that means no-one from our fair capital CAN EVER BE PATRONIZING ABOUT CORNWALL AGAIN.

Sample conversations:

PRODUCER: You live in Cornwall? Hahahahaha, I bet it's all inbred down there.
ME: Yeah yeah, but at least we didn't vote for BORIS FUCKING JOHNSON, you retarded fuck.
PRODUCER: ....

PRODUCER: Your agent tells me me you're actually based in Cornwall? Come up to find out what roads and technology are like, ahahahahaha
ME: Well at least I don't know anyone who'd openly use the word 'picaninnies' LIKE BORIS FUCKING JOHNSON.
PRODUCER: Dammit.

PRODUCER: Cornwall eh? Oooh piskies, ooooh-
ME: BORIS JOHNSON, BORIS JOHNSON, BORIS JOHNSON, BORIS FUCKING JOHNSON.
PRODUCER: Yes, I still can't believe that one, to be honest.


I mean, jesus h (for 'Herbert') christ, I cannot believe London voted for a man who uses the word 'picaninny' and compares homosexuality to bestiality. Clearly the collective power of voters FROM THE NINETEEN FUCKING THIRTIES has long been underestimated.

31 comments:

ScroobiousScrivener said...

Yes.

james henry said...

I'm quite cross.

Lizzy said...

Me, too.

thegirl said...

I'm depressed as hell about it. I have to *live* here.

Boris, ugh.

Semaphore said...

Far from being patronising about Cornwall, I think now would be a good time to actually do what I've been wanting to do forever and move there.

Except for the whole university-degree thing, that's not letting me go anywhere soon. Hmm.

Tim Footman said...

It's so bad, it means Londoners can't laugh at Americans any more.

Good Dog said...

Come on, it'll be a hoot.

Anyone's better than the lizard lover, especially after he fessed up to wanting the Olympics so that the East End could be developed. Tit!

james henry said...

No that's bollocks. Ken brought some excellent things in: cheaper transport for young 'uns and the elderly, taxing Chelsea tractors and extending the congestion charge into the hoitier boroughs, which was of course his undoing. He was by no means perfect, but at least gave a shit about the city, and attempted to improve the lives of many of the poorer people within it.

LolBoz hasn't shown the slightest interest in London, or given anyone the faintest of reasons to vote for him other than having amusing hair.

He also makes me feel old, because I'm starting to say things like 'Do you not remember how shit the Tories were? Oh wait, you weren't born.'

On the plus side, people will soon begin to learn how shit the Tories are all over again. Maybe in time for the general election, maybe not.

Imo said...

But this is the man who thinks on his feet and when asked the question "have you ever slept with a man" came back with the answer "not yet". And he does have very amusing hair.

spence said...

I do hope so.
I rememer how shit they were.....

rudi said...

Now I'm glad I can't afford to live there.....

Good Dog said...

Not only did he extend the congestion charge he brought the darn thing in to begin with. It hasn't made any real difference to how jammed up the roads are. Public transport in the city is still a massive joke that stopped being funny ages ago.

At least with BoJo, it may not get better but you can bust a gut laughing at it. Or applaud if the first order of business is a shoot to kill ruling on hoodies and kids who play crappy music on their mobiles in public.

Are people really patronizing about Cornwall? Chuck 'em down a disused tin mine and spend the afternoon surfing at Harlyn Bay.

james henry said...

It's made a huge difference to traffic! And brought loads of cash to the city! Loads of other enormo-cities are wondering why they didn't have the balls to think of it first!

Also I wear a hooded top! I don't want to be shot! Exclamation mark!

They are quite patronizing about Cornwall. I constantly get asked if I moved there as some kind of 'lifestyle choice' - it never having occured to them that possibly some people might actually originate from outside London.

Jayne said...

Me and my job moved to Oxford just before the congestion charge came in. When I started working back in central London 2 years ago I really noticed the difference, the traffic's loads better. Wish I'd bloody moved my home back in as well though so at least I'd have got a chance to vote for Ken. Just the thought of that buffoon as Mayor makes me depressed.

And what's wrong with developing the East End anyway? I lived there for 9 years - it bloody needs some care and attention!

Sorry James - seems your blog has become temporarily serious and political. I shall go away to think of Boris/Pixie jokes and come back later....

Boz said...

Also not happy here. At all. I'm not sure if it is the old'uns voting for Boris though. I think it might be the scary young people who don't remember growing up under Thatcher, and who think the Conservative party is quite cool because it's the alternative and the underdog.

Which now that I come to type it, growing up under Thatcher is a frightening mental image.

Lord help us all....

Good Dog said...

You know, they all turn out to be as bad as each other in the end. With BJ stepping up, we may at least get some laughs while it all goes to hell.

A previous girlfriend, from some years back, used to clump the countries together as “Devon Cornwall” and asked if we all ate pasties. I’d explain that Cornish pasties were made and probably consumed in Cornwall, but, if she wanted to keep with the regional stereotypes, we just gorged ourselves on cream teas. Yes dear, ha-bloody-ha!

Ultimately, I snapped her neck on the vinegar stroke.

james henry said...

Not trying to prolong this, but I genuinely don't think they're all as bad as each other. I mean, they are all pretty bad, agreed, but at least some of them start out with good intentions.

It's not so much that Boris got in, it's that no-one who voted for him seems to have any explanation other than 'for the lolz', which isn't a great basis for political representation.

patroclus said...

>>no-one who voted for him seems to have any explanation other than 'for the lolz'<<

Apart from the residents of Kensington & Chelsea, especially the ones with the big cars that were going to have to pay Ken an additional £25 big-car tax. Boris will no doubt be doing away with the £25. But whether he removes the congestion charge from K&C altogether remains to be seen. How I'll laugh if he doesn't.

I also have a feeling Boz is right about the youn'uns voting for Boris - because of him being such a wag on HIGNFY. It's the same people as would happily see Jeremy Clarkson become PM.

Then there's all the people who voted for Boris just to punish Labour/Gordon for the 10p tax rate abolition and other policies. That was an incredibly stupid motive as well. Wait till the next general election to protest elements of national policy, ffs - this one was about what's best for London.

I'll shut up now. I live in Cornwall - I'm not supposed to care.

Caskared said...

OK, I can't resist, here's my tuppence...
Ken did loads of tangibly good things for London. Since the CC buses are now a viable option, cycling is so much better (I lived there for a few years and really felt the difference). He was involved in lots of cultural events that really helped make the city a destination, lots of infrastructure and other things like civil partnerships, plus being brilliant during the 7/7 bombings. I don't like Labour, but Mayor isn't about party. I agree with patroclus - those voting as protest against the gvt are supersilly, esp as Ken battled against the gvt when he thought they were wrong.

And Ken was funny! Anyone else remember "And I'm the Queen of Sheba" on Radio 4? Laughing with, not at (well, with the occasional newt exceptions)

Ooh I've gone on a bit. Aaand relax...

It took me ages to type that, my cat kept attacking me. I'm worried he might be a Tory (a politically blue cat? um, sorry)

Jayne said...

>>no-one who voted for him seems to have any explanation other than 'for the lolz'<<

God, that's so true. Bloody idiots.

Sorry - still too mad to be funny...

*goes off to bash things with spade in the garden*

Boz said...

I'm with Jayne on this. I'm letting out my aggression on Mariokart. Damn those blue shells.

Newbie said...

I was and still am gutted at the loss of Ken. How could anyone who has ever seen or heard Boris speak think he's an appropriate choice to run ANYTHING let alone bloody London.


Damn and blast his comedy hair!

Fritchen said...

Sounds kind of presidential: Boris F. Johnson...

*duck and cover*

Sylvia said...

What are Petsie and Kimberley going to advise him on?

Oli said...

Hmmm... yes. Hmmm. Sorry, what? Hmmmm. Still can't quite believe this. Real politician or clown? Oh, we'll have a clown please! That'll be fun! Oh wait, he's in a position of MASSIVE FUCKING RESPONSIBILITY.

Also, the general misunderstanding of the congestion charge has always astounded me.

HenryDandelion said...

I think you'll find, though, that the 'H' is for Howard, not Herbert.

As in:

Our Father, who art in Heaven
Howard be thy name

james henry said...

Oh I say, VG.

Lucy Diamond said...

This post is the only thing that has made me laugh about Boris Fucking Johnson being voted in as mayor.
Us West Country lot would have chased him out of town with pitchforks obviously.

Marsha said...

"because of him being such a wag on HIGNFY"

Yup. Or, as Jeremy Hardy put it: if only Angus had kept it in his pants.

Let's hope that the Olympics turn out to be Boris's Millenium Dome (I couldn't care less about sport, me).

Matt said...

Boris is going to be in charge of the olympics? do you think we'd be able to persuade him to let David Tennant dressed as the Doctor light the flame?

Jayne said...

*is still angry*