Wednesday, May 28, 2008

Later I saw Dick, or possibly Dom.


foyerdalek
Originally uploaded by jamesandthebluecat
INT. BBC TV CENTRE FOYER - DAY

ME: Anyone sitting there?
DALEK: Hmm?
ME: Anyone sitting there?
DALEK: Nooooo. Help yourself.
ME: Ta.

I take a seat, and pull out a copy of the Guardian. After a while, I sense an eyestalk peering over my shoulder.

ME: (politely) Do you want to borrow G2?
DALEK: Ooh, do you mind? I like to do the soduku.
ME: Do you want a pen?
DALEK: Lovely, ta.

I slide G2 across the table to the Dalek. The arm with the sucker turns delicately to the right page and begins filling in the little boxes.

ME: Congratulations on the Steven Moffat thing by the way.
DALEK: Ooh is that out now?
ME: Mmm, it was on the website.
DALEK: Oh thank god, I mean we all knew months ago, but the stress of not telling anyone...
ME: Oh me too. Although I shouldn't say, it just sounds smug.
DALEK: Some of the Cybermen tried to sell it to the tabs, you know.
ME: No!
DALEK: Oh yes. Won't be seeing them for a while.

A group of school children walk past, goggling at the Dalek, who waggles his sucker arm at them threateningly. They scream happily and run away.

ME: So what are you here for?

The Dalek turns his eyestalk to me, and says nothing, for several minutes.

ME: (uncomfortably) Sorry, silly question I suppose.
DALEK: No no, just trying to remember it. Some comedy show. Got Lily Allen in it.
ME: She's the voice of her generation, you know.
DALEK: Christ.
ME: What happened to the high-pitched one?
DALEK: Hmm?
ME: On the old show, your main Dalek would shout 'EXTERMINATE!', and then one behind him would shout 'YES, EXTERMINATE!', but in a slightly higher pitched voice. He was always my favourite.
DALEK: Oh him. There was a problem with his nitrous mix, you see. Affects the voice.
ME: Right, sorry.
DALEK: He's dead now.
ME: Oh.

There ensues an awkward pause. A passer-by from the BBC Comedy department immediately commissions it for six half hour episodes.

ME: So, in the trailer for the end of the series, is that Dav-
DALEK: I can't really talk about that.
ME: Fair enough.
DALEK: (shyly) What's Stephen Mangan really like?
ME: I can't really talk about that.



9 comments:

Tim Footman said...

Can I borrow your awkward pause line to use as my blog subhead?

james henry said...

I would be deepy honoured.

Anonymous said...

Did you push the big red button?

Lucy said...

Did he show you his other kitchen-like implements as well as the whisk? Or is that for second dates only?

james henry said...

My plan for the revamped Daleks (before new Who started) was that each of the little hemispheres on the Dalek's surface could morph into a different tool or weapon. Although possibly they might end up looking too much like cyber-hedgehogs.

Still think it would be cool if done properly though.

Boz said...

Awkward pause sounds amazing. But dressing up knowing about The Moff as a very amusing and witty sketch could still warrent accusations of smugness.

Is this how rumours about who is writing for next series start? :-D

I *love* the thought of a Dalek doing the G2 Sudok...

james henry said...

Boz spots that smugness at a slight remove is still smugness. DAMN YOU BOZ.

I suspect there's a rather long list of people who want to write for Who under S. Moffat. I'm quite some way after Neil Gaiman, I reckon.

But I can wait. Oh yes, I can wait.

Oli said...

My bookcase has a shelf dedicated to various Neil Gaiman goodies, but as much as I love him in prose and comics, I don't rate him as a screenwriter.

Of course, he's still Neil Gaiman, so he could rightly tell me to fuck off for my hubris.

llewtrah said...

Ooo-er. I got molested by a Dalek's sink plunger while in Forbidden Planet once. Made me jump out of my skin that did - all my childhood nightmares come to life!!! It didn't do any of the nice conversation stuff - just said "exterminate".