Tuesday, March 27, 2007

It's Beautiful

I decide that as a treat to Patroclus, I will make up a song about my hair. This song is ONE HUNDRED PER CENT ORIGINAL and any other similarity to other songs is a coincidence, and in fact proof of convergent evolution, which is how icthyosaurs and dolphins look very similar, and a swan's beak is the same as a flamingo's beak but upside down (this is true).

The song goes, a little something, a-like this:


My hair is brilliant.
My hair is pure.
I saw an angel.
Of that I'm sure.
It smiled at me on the subway.
It was with another man.
But I won't lose no sleep on that,
'Cause I've got a plan.

It's beautiful. It's beautiful.
It's beautiful, it's true.
I saw my hair in a crowded place,
And I don't know what to do,
'Cause I'll never be with it.

Yeah, it caught my eye,
As I walked on by.
It could see from my face that I was,
Flying high, [ - video/radio edited version]
Fucking high, [ - CD version]
And I don't think that I'll see it again
But we shared a moment that will last till the end.

It's beautiful. It's beautiful.
It's beautiful, it's true.
I saw my hair in a crowded place,
And I don't know what to do,
'Cause I'll never be with it.

It's beautiful. It's beautiful.
It's beautiful, it's true.
There must be an angel with a smile on her face,
When I thought up that I should be with it.
But it's time to face the truth,
I will never be with you.

But then I realised it was a reflection, and it was my hair after all, phew (might change this end bit).

PATROCLUS: Will you be taking this into your meeting this afternoon?
ME: (rather pityingly) I don't think I should go straight in with my best stuff.

But it is potentially a quite important meeting (there is a very slim chance that Stephen Fry will be there*), and I do have an AMAZING SINGING VOICE, specialising in high-piched bits. Hmm. I shall decide on the tube.

* this isn't actually very likely at all.

UPDATE: the meeting was very pleasant, thanks for asking. S. Fry wasn't there and/so I didn't sing the song.


Lucy Diamond said...

Patroclus is a lucky, LUCKY woman.

Sylvia said...

sob! indeed she is.....reminds me of a Meatloaf song (yes, in my dreams I AM Mrs Loud) :

Can you make me some magic with your own two hands?
Can you build an emerald city with these grains of sand?
Can you give me something I can take home?

Hope the meeting goes well. At least I've got my bookclub at the National this evening - we're discussing the lovely bones - and I'm hopeful that I'll bump into a certain Biondo Tiziano while I'm there.

Boz said...

I saw an advert in the paper today for an alarm clock that wakes you up with the voice to Stephen Fry in a Jeeves sty-lee.

This is amazing.

Ros x said...

well done james for the song that was totally origanal and I loved it :D and oooh Stephen Fry! exciting that would be very cool if you do meet him - he knows everything!

cello said...

So, your next gig is writing Bruce Forsyth's 'witty' continuity on Strictly Come Dancing is it? God -I love that show!

patroclus said...

My neighbours and I can confirm that James has a mighty falsetto singing voice, perhaps best appreciated during one of his impromptu 5.00am practice sessions for his award-worthy karaoke rendition of that 'Grace Kelly' song.

On the other hand, he does make a very nice sausage casserole.

H said...

Can I just clarify that this is a song about the hair on your head?

Rather than, say, back hair or the hair on your big toes.

Actually that could be considered a highly personal question.

I'll get my coat.

Anonymous said...

Maybe a sexy dance would have been more in order..

Billy said...

And there's a radio edit as well. I am impressed.

Fat Roland said...


belladona said...

Good luck with that, then.

belladona said...

Bloody hell, James, it's ten minutes later after reading this post and the stupid bloody song is still in my head.
*taps side of head like the goblin in 'Labyrinth'*
Out! Get out! Bah.

James Moran said...

Eyes blurring due to lack of coffee, I glanced at Patroclus' comment and for a brief, terrifying moment thought I saw the phrase "sausage karaoke". Instantly my mind was filled with terrible, terrible images. I blame all of you, and the internets, and the parents.

Word id thing: rabmob, which I think sums up this whole unpleasant incident.

Marsha Klein said...

Ha ha ha!
I suggest you write a book, along the lines of "101 Uses For a Dead Cat" (not blue), called "101 Rewrites of Crap Songs"

Jen said...

I don't know if it's just that I've been awake for nine hours now and it's only half twelve; but I have a feeling that song would do well in the charts...

Wait - I'm having another promonition; don't release it. Ever. It'll play 43 times a day, wherever you go, and Britain will hate you for it...

baggiebird said...

Wow James that song has such a haunting melody, but I think upon the 5 millionth listening it may grate, but I wish you every success with it.

Sylvia said...

I can vouch for the grating. It was the soundtrack to our summer in Italy in 2005. I dread to think what it'll be this year. Mercifully we're only there for three weeks this year.

Anyway. Bookclub went very well - we spent a total of, ooh, 5 mins, on the book, and chatted for the rest of the time. No sign of il biondo tiziano - we even checked the motorbike parking bays for a Ducati......

what happened at your meeting then? Are you too busy cooking and singing to tell us?

Dave said...

I found that very moving.

Valerie said...

I really laughed far more than this deserved, but then..

I'm so deeply saddened that Stephen Fry didn't get to hear your masterwork. Perhaps one day.

patroclus said...

If Stephen Fry lives anywhere within a mile radius of Askew Road, London W12, he probably *has* heard it.

james henry said...

You're just jealous because you can't sing as high as me.

Jen said...

Aye, but can you sing as high as that Mika lad?

Like, can you sing through 'Love Today' without spontaneously combusting?