Wednesday, October 11, 2006

It had a kind of primitive punchcard system

I have been asked: "Which ep of series 2 had the jacquard loom in it?"

Not a clue. Does anyone know? For me, it was the sheer BRILLIANTNESS OF THE WRITING in that scene that made the rest of the episode around it quiver and fade like the morning mist, which is why I can't remember which episode it was. Are the keyring bits in that episode? I wrote both of them too, yes yes, you may touch me. But not there.

UPDATE: skeadugenga reckons episode 4 for the jacquard loom, which sounds about right, cheers.

Also, Katy from Titan Books has asked me to remind people that Green Wing The Complete Series 1 Scripts book was written by Victoria Pile, Robert Harley, Gary Howe, Stuart Kenworthy, Oriane Messina, Richard Preddy, Fay Rusling and James Henry, it contains all the scripts from series 1, as well as great new bonus material written exclusively for the book, and scores of colour photos. 320pp; £14.99 paperback; Titan Books. Available from all good high street bookshops, plus online from amazon and play from the 22nd October.

This is the day after I put up the Ad-Free Blog thing over on the right, but I reckon it's okay if it's my own stuff. Well, shared with the other writers, but you know what I mean.


ALSO, I left my camera behind in London, which is a shame, as the posterboard thing for the local paper says 'Locals Support Depp Freedom', which is great, but just slightly too self-aware to be up there with "The Bushes: What's Going On In Them?".

49 comments:

Loganoc said...

The thing that always cracks me up about Johnny-Depp-related headlines is that "Depp" means "moron" in German. Simple but still funny...

Jane said...

Very hurt by your patronising reply to my comment re Barclaycard ads... I will henceforth indicate sarcasm etc as follows - <irony>Are you getting a cut?</irony>

Anyhoo, and not taking my pain out on your fellow Cornwallians, I've just bought the Talent Thief. V looking forward to reading it, um, I mean giving it to my nephew.

I was going to buy the Green Wing Scripts Book, but I shan't now, as I am TOO HURT.

james henry said...

Apologies Jane, glad you're not taking it out on Alex, he's a nice chap and it's a jolly good book (with the films rights already under discussion, but I'm not jealous argh my hand just cramped).

A special /irony thing would be good, I still reckon that's why Iraq went all nasty.

skeadugenga said...

I think its episode 4, episode 3 Angela leaves, episode 4 Holly arrives and the jaquard loom is at the end of that episode.

Anonymous said...

Totally unrelated, but did you know you had an entry for yourself on the wikipedia? It says ugger ball, mind you ;)

james henry said...

Mmm, saw that a while ago, and like to use it to win arguments, get good tables at restaurants etc. It is a bit barren though, agreed. A while ago I did add an extensive section all about my hair, but it got taken down, probably by Rob, who is jealous because he is bald and scottish, like an egg.

Anonymous said...

Like a Scotch egg?

StacieFunkee said...

I really would of like to have seen Mac hit Guy with a big wooden clog.

james henry said...

Rob isn't at all bald really by the way.

patroclus said...

Ahh, the jacquard loom bit. How many other sitcoms have subtle references to the antecedents of programmable computers?

None*, that's how many. And the world is the poorer for it.

* Although, to be fair, I'm not the most prodigious watcher of telly, so there could be hundreds. In which case, brilliant!

richard said...

Well, there's the unusual series 5 (1974) episode of "Bless this House" titled "The Difference Engine" in which the Diana Coupland and Sally Geeson characters build a replica of Babbage's eponymous calculating machine and present Sid James with Pi worked out to 3000 decimal places. Sadly, Sid merely responds "K-yuk yuk yuk!" and puffs on his pipe. The experiment was never repeated.

patroclus said...

Sid might have been encrypting the machine's output acording to some obscure built-in algorithm. Which would put a very different complexion on the Carry On films.

patroclus said...

'according'.

james henry said...

If you looked at a still image of the pipesmoke, the encryption took the form of Mandelbrot-style oh forget it, I've been comprehensively outgunned.

Billy said...

If there was a sitcom to feature prototype computers it would have to be the Good Life wouldn't it?

Apparently Richard Briers lives in Chiswick these days. Long way from Surbiton.

LoRi~fLoWer said...

re: /irony and Iraq

Quote from our computer fixer guy at work:

"Dude, I just don't get all this terrorism stuff, man. I mean, if you don't like someone you should just stop hanging out with them."

You know I couldn't make that up. I keep a list of his gems.

d'hoffrynsfavourite said...

have just double-checked on the script and yes that quote is from ep. 4...thought you all might like to relive the best bit of that scene again...

MAC:
46.23 A ‘sabot’, or the ‘sabot’ was a kind of wooden clog, it’s worn by impoverished French workers. And as a protest against the Jacquard Loom, which they thought would take away their jobs, they’d throw their sabots, or wooden clogs, into the delicate machinery to destroy its working, from which we get the modern word ‘sabotage’.

GUY:
46.45 Yeah, right, now you’ve harshed my buzz, have you got a point?

MAC:
Well if your plan to move in with Caroline is in any way an attempt to sabotage our relationship, I will hit you in the fucking face with a big wooden clog!

Never realised that was your bit James, am now in awe as that was one of my favourite scenes!

but am a bit lost as I don't remember any scenes involving keyrings ???

patroclus said...

Excellent stuff, d'Hoffryn's Favourite - but can you rewind a little way and get the punchcard bit in?

Not that I am in any way a geek, you understand.

Is the keyring bit the Swiss Army knife bit?

d'hoffrynsfavourite said...

full scene as requested (if I get sacked I'm blaming you!:)...

GUY:
45.33 Now we’re alone, I hear there’s a room going in your house?

CAROLINE:
Er no, I don’t think so.

GUY:
All right, let me put it another way. Now that Angela has been sold into porn slavery in sunny Toronto...

CAROLINE:
Has she?

GUY:
Well, you know, who cares? Er, there is a space in your place and there’s me needing somewhere to be and, you know, the problems interweave like a Jacquard Loom.

MAC HAS JOINED THEM.

CAROLINE:
I, I don’t understand.

GUY:
It’s kind of a primitive punch card system.

CAROLINE:
Yeah, I wasn’t talking about the loom.

GUY:
46.02 Can I have a room in your flat?

CAROLINE:
House.

GUY:
House, can I? Just for a bit until I get myself sorted out. Please?

Don’t look at him, don’t look at him, look at me. Please, no, because I just need somewhere, my life’s become so complex and difficult and it’s just complex and hard.

CAROLINE:
Oh God, oh God...

GUY:
Can I please, can I?

CAROLINE:
Oh Whatever! Yes!

GUY:
Yes! Yes!

CAROLINE WALKS AWAY.
MAC:
46.23 A ‘sabot’, or the ‘sabot’ was a kind of wooden clog, it’s worn by impoverished French workers. And as a protest against the Jacquard Loom, which they thought would take away their jobs, they’d throw their sabots, or wooden clogs, into the delicate machinery to destroy its working, from which we get the modern word ‘sabotage’.

GUY:
46.45 Yeah, right, now you’ve harshed my buzz, have you got a point?

MAC:
Well if your plan to move in with Caroline is in any way an attempt to sabotage our relationship, I will hit you in the fucking face with a big wooden clog!

Just realised its got Guy saying the punchcard bit - is that a typo or was he supposed to say it?

patroclus said...

Yay! Thank you!

I remember Mac saying the punchcard bit, but I could be wrong.

james henry said...

Good work D'hoff!

Here's the original script - hardly changed at all by GW standards:

SABOTAGE
INT. MESS - DAY
(twrds end of ep 3) CAROLINE and MAC are sitting in the mess. GUY plonks himself heavily between them.
GUY
I hear there’s a room going in your house?
CAROLINE
Errrr... no. Don’t think so.
GUY
Let me put this another way: Angela’s going to be the new doctor on daytime TV. So she’s moved out.
CAROLINE
When was she going to tell me?
GUY
Let me put this another way (puts on strange strangled Northern voice) Ah dooooon’t cayre. SO, here’s you with a free room, and here’s me without anywhere to live.
He moves his hands together, interlacing the fingers.
GUY
Two problems weave together. Like in a Jacquard Loom.
CAROLINE
I don’t understand.
MAC
It used a sort of primitive punch card system.
CAROLINE
I’m not talking about the loom.
GUY
Can I move into your flat? Just for a bit. Until I get myself sorted out.
CAROLINE looks over at MAC, who has a studied non-expression.
GUY
Don’t look at him! Can I? Please? you know, recently my life’s been kind of... complex and-
CAROLINE
(terrified GUY’s going to start talking about JOANNA) Oh god, yes! Whatever! I’ve got to start work.
CAROLINE scuttles off.
MAC
(conversationally) A ‘sabot’ was a kind of wooden clog, worn by impoverished french workers. And as a protest against the Jacquard Loom, which they feared would take away their jobs, they’d throw their ‘sabots’ into the delicate machinery to destroy the workings. From which we get the modern word ‘sabotage’.
GUY
So?
MAC
So, if your plan to move into Caroline’s is in any way an attempt to ‘sabotage’ our relationship, I will hit you in the face with a wooden clog.
GUY looks a bit freaked out. MAC pats him on the head, and saunters off.

flic 2 said...

brillint, well done

james henry said...

Yes, I don't think it needs actors, in my view a third series of green wing could have been done by just the writers standing in front of the cameras, pointing at the scripts and saying 'look! that bit! lol!'.

Maybe we do need actors.

patroclus said...

Why bother with cameras? Why not just paste the whole thing into your comments box? 'Social networking' is the new telly, after all.

Imo said...

Ohhh jumps up and down with excitment at getting to read a bit of original script there. I live in hope that Guy getting hit in the face with a wooden clog will materialise in the elusive Episode 9.

cello said...

Oi, you. I'm talking to Miss P here.

Anonymous said...

Sabot bit also one of my favourites in series 2. I have repeated it to many people in social situations and have found it a good ice-breaker.

patroclus said...

Oi, cello. Qu'est-ce qu'il y a?

Matt said...

The bit about sabot, hence the word sabotage was also done very nicely in Star Trek VI by Valeris (played by Kim Cattrel - who seems to have been around for ever, keeps popping up in Columbo and the like [as it were]-)

Matt said...

that't not a weird smiley on the end by the way, I was just carefully closing my parentheses.

rob said...

Time-coded transcripts? Who are you, d'hoffrynsfavourite? Do I know you?


James - Scottish yes, egg no. Just off to Wikipedia, to flesh out your details...

chatterbox said...

Hello again.... So, the keyring bit has been bugging me. If you mean the Tamagotchi, or the pen-knife, they are both in episode 6. Or is there another keyring bit which I have missed?

patroclus said...

>>Time-coded transcripts? Who are you, d'hoffrynsfavourite? Do I know you?<<

Ooh, that could have come straight out of Blake's 7.

rob said...

Well spotted. It's a direct quote from Vila in the episode Avon Lady.

james henry said...

Chatterbox - sorry, I did put a comment up to say yes, I did mean tamagotchi and penknife, but blogger seems to have eaten it.

I too, am wondering as to the identity of D'Hoff.

james henry said...

UPDATE: apparently I already know this. I have, however, forgotten.

james henry said...

Aha, my google assistant's powers are strong - probably go no further less we get D'Hoff into trouble.

james henry said...

Lots of comments by me today.

d'hoffrynsfavourite said...

wow I guess I am officially delurked. Am intrigued as to how James thinks he's found me though or already knew me?! And no Rob you definately don't know me.

tamogotchi bit - genius, although am I a little pathetic that I really felt for Jake - I mean 12 yrs, that's impressive!

james henry said...

Only in that you mentioned your job description in a comment on a previous post.

And in the original script for the dropping of the tamagotchi into the glass, Jake just made 'a funny whining sound', whereas his reactions in the scene itself are much much funnier. I've never met Darren (although he does have a myspace page now), but he's just brilliant to write for, as he always seems to know exactly what you want out of the scene, /end gushing.

He's very tall with floppy hair as well, I like to think of him as my Representive On Earth. That'll probably go on his CV soon, I'll be bound.

Rob, I am working as well today, promise.

d'hoffrynsfavourite said...

oh yeah I forgot, good memory

phew - worries about identity being discoverable from random username unwarranted

p.s I'm working too honest

baggiebird said...

I loved Darren's reaction in that Scene. I do still like the keys in the head bit. Steve's little run for joy was fantastic

james henry said...

'good memory' = patroclus being good at looking things up on Google.

Yes, everyone in that scene played it very well. Actually I think my contribution may just have been 'Guy throws a very small penknife keyring which ends up sticking out of Guy's head.' The original scene had a dart, and apparently I was the only one who'd watched Shaun of the Dead WHERE THEY'D DONE THAT ALREADY. I had to be quite stroppy to make them change the dart into something else, although like a lot of my strops, I don't think anyone actually noticed.


Bit worrying that Caroline lets Jake drive off though, on road safety grounds at least....

skeadugenga said...

"Bit worrying that Caroline lets Jake drive off though, on road safety grounds at least...."

I thought so too. Not only that, but he'd had 3 glasses of wine in quick succession. I think we gathered from this scene that he was disposable.

james henry said...

Oh blimey, that's actually really bad - I think if we ever get the chance to re-edit, George Lucas style, I'd have a little scene of Jake still the car, passed out having only gone about ten feet. Probably with his head sticking out of the window and it starting to snow.

Anonymous said...

The best bit in the penknife scene was when he banged it on the car when he was getting in... owch.

My little one has kept a tamagotchi alive for 4 months which I thought was impressive. 12 years deserves child allowance payments.

cello said...

Qu'est-ce qu'il ya P? I just thought I detected a sly dig at TV. You know you're a bit susceptible to that.

And given whose blog this is, and how a TV programme is at least partly responsible for your current state of bliss, it seemed a little unjust.

But apologies if I was being over-touchy. I am starting to get paranoid, seeing telly-haters under every bed. Maybe I should start a McCarthyesque campaign to rid the country of TV detractors.

james henry said...

I'm not even sure what counts as 'television' these days. Does watching imported DVD's on my laptop in bed count? Because that's all stuff I choose to watch, so it's mostly great.

I genuinely can't remember the last time I watched television as transmitted. I have a dim recollection of flickin g through the four channels I can get, screaming with rage and frustration and then going to do something else instead.

I can certainly imagine not bothering to get an actual television set, the next time I move. Might get a DVD projector if I can afford it though.

patroclus said...

Ooh, no, I wasn't having a go at telly. I was just referring to the fact that big chunks of script had started appearing in this here comments box.

But on the other hand, the last time I turned the actual telly on (rather than watching a DVD) was to watch the last ep of GW back in May, so James also has a point. People *are* still watching telly, it's just they're watching it in DVD form, or as clips on YouTube, or as illegal downloads of stuff that's not available here yet.

So when C4 (for example) thinks that twenty- and thirtysomethings aren't watching its quality Friday night programming, it's not that they aren't watching it, it's just that they aren't watching it on the TV set on a Friday night.

And with the actual telly, it's just too difficult to identify the good stuff among the 8,000 channels of rubbish. It's a chore even to flick through the Sky menu, there's just so much...

Ooh, bit of a tirade there.