Monday, October 30, 2006

Won't you spare me over til another year?

If I was a character in the GURPS roleplaying game (bear with me*) my character advantages of having Fabulous Hair (it's growing back now) and Pleasing Height would have been paid for with the character flaws Too Much Imagination and Constantly Getting Distracted by Things.

I'm currently really quite distracted because I have three different scripty things that have hit hiatus at the same time and are now drifting languidly in the realm of Waiting For People To Get Back To Me.

Waiting For People To Get Back To Me Thing One is a sitcom based sort of a bit on the blog, which is based sort of a bit on actually me, only with more guns. It has now gone off to the television channel who paid me to write it, so they're having a think about whether they want to make a pilot episode. Because it is based sort of a bit on me, I am quite emotionally involved with the project and consequently a bit distracted.

Waiting For People To Get Back To Me Thing Two is a treatment for a drama series I have come up with, about being a teenager in Cornwall. It has now gone off to another television channel who are having a big think about whether they're going to pay me to write a proper actual script. Because I was a teenager in Cornwall for a significant part of my life I am quite emotionally involved with the project and consequently a bit distracted.

Waiting For People To Get Back To Me Thing Three is a film script about superheroes, which the Film Council liked, and might be paying me to do a redraft, as although the script is mostly brilliant, the end could be more exciting. Because I am a superhero, I am quite emotionally involved with the project and consequently a bit distracted.

So, anyway, I was in Pizza Express, being a bit distracted, and thinking blimey, these are all ideas I've come up with, on my own and everything, when a dark shadow fell over me, and when I looked up, a forkful of tiramisu perfectly equidistant between plate and mouth, it was with no little surprise that I saw Death standing over me, his bony skull visible under a black hooded robe. Blank eye sockets bore into my own, and an empty bucket was thrust just under my face.

Now obviously, it's Halloween, but because I'm not fucking american, and I was, as I may have said, a bit distracted, my internal thought process went like this:

OH FUCK JESUS CHRIST DEATH I'M DEAD WE'RE ALL DEAD ON A MONDAY ALLAH AKBAR JESUS CHRIST ARRGH

Externally however, I vocalised said thoughts like this:

'oooooh.'

A lump of tiramisu slid from my fork and landed, plop, back on my plate.

And then Death rattled his bucket rather impatiently, and I realised it was just someone in a costume, so I told them I didn't have any money. There was another Death on the other side of the room as well, and a smaller Death, robes brushing the floor, but everyone was more or less ignoring them, so in the end they wandered out, although they didn't say a word the whole time, which was quite impressive.

Anyway, the whole thing freaked me out. But I'm okay now. Honestly though, I don't deal with this sort of thing well. Good costumes though.




* There's a bear with me! Argh! Run!

32 comments:

surly girl said...

you did better than i would have done. i would have cried. and possibly done a small wee.

flic 2 said...

aargh aargh

Anonymous said...

Is it worrying that the first thought I had was concern for the oh-so-abused tiramasu?!

Anonymous said...

The tiramisu was my first thought also, thank god it fell back on your plate.

cinnamonturkey said...

at least AFTER I thought of the oh-so-abused-tiramisu I thought about the oh-so-ran-away-from bear.
My priorities are slowly focusing themselves, methinks...

Mangonel said...

But I thought it was Death who spoke in CAPS? Ah - maybe that was actually your Death internalising and was more afraid of you than you were of it. Actually, like spiders, I think that's bollocks. No - I don't mean spiders think - or at least have a point of view that I respect in any way - oh bollocks.

Take a duvet with you - proof against any bear.

Anonymous said...

I was concerned about the plural of hiatus. Is it not Haiti?

Who is this Dave? said...

Good lord! Several hiatuses and you become a former French colony, the first independent black republic, occupying one third of the Caribbean island of Hispaniola.

You learn something new every day.

Steve Dix said...

Exit Henry, pursued by a bear..(?)

Button said...

but who will play you in this multitude of semi autobiographical projects then?

and, more importantly, will Alan Sugar play himself?

maybe he can fight the bear.

ooooh that would be a fab ending for the superhero thing!
I claim royalties on that.

Valerie said...

Hmm... a tall, hairy teenaged Cornwallian superhero. By all rights you should have scared Death, not vice versa!

Ah but then I am fucking american... what do I know? Possibly there is a clause in the laws of physics about when you're eating tiramisu.

If you're not going to eat that, can I have some?

Sal said...

Going off on a tangent somewhat, YouTube boasts an enviable collection of Brittas Empire videos (there's one) and the hardcore Green Wing fans (or fans with very little to do) can take a look at Pippa cocking up her lines.....

Jen said...

I have the entire seven series of the BE. I started watching GW at first because Pippa was in it.

And James; I'm sitting in the dark in the hope that no children will arrive. It seems to be the 'done thing' in this house to not buy any sweets and let ME take the shit from the empty-handed Dorothys, witches, wizards and Spidermen.

They can't find me. I'm in the pitch dark and am verrrrry quiet.

That bloody word verification is throwing me. I CAN'T SEE THE KEYBOARD.

Marsha Klein said...

When did Hallowe'en guisers start going into restaurants and shops? We've had lots of kids round tonight but no money has changed hands, only lollipops! I'm surprised the Pizza Express staff didn't tell these kids to sling their collective hook.

Your "waiting for people to get back to you" things sound exciting. Here's hoping they're commissioned or whatever the phrase is. I could do with a reason to resume regular TV viewing.

helen said...

we had some kids from the local church knocking on doors and giving out sweets, I don't know whether to think, aww what a nice thing to do, or, what the hell is wrong with you?!

Anonymous said...

A few years ago I was in a Pizza Land restaurant(anybody remember them?) having lunch and watched as several Klingons and a Vulcan walked in. A lady was so badly startled that she dropped her cup of tea on the floor in fright.

I don't think that anybody had told her that a Star Trek convention was going on in the hotel around the corner.

Anonymous said...

I'm all for the abuse of Tiramisu.

Serves it right for tasting like a caffeine addict has thrown up on your plate, and dusted it with chocolate powder.

Aimee said...

My opinion isnt all that handy whilst you're waiting to hear back from the important executive types (or I suppose by the time the info reaches you it'll be your agent, so long as they're nothing like Stephen Merchant's character in Extras, in which case you'd never hear anything), but my tuppenceworth is that I think all three of those ideas sound really excellent premises for their respective sitcom/films. And I would absolutely watch all three of them. I especially like the 2nd idea, as I have a bit of a weakness for things set in Cornwall - I watched Doc Martin for that very reason.
Keep us posted if anything comes of these Waiting For People To Get Back To You ideas.

Aimee said...

Is 'premises' a word? It looks slightly wrong. Plural of premise...premises. Hmm. It looks a bit strange.

mad muthas said...

so you don't actually KNOW that they were people in costume, then? i mean, they didn't take off masks and show their human faces, did they? hmmmmmm

Imo said...

Which Superhero are you?

Anonymous said...

If he told you he'd have to kill you.

Wait; is that James Bond?

Well, if he told you he'd have to do some form of censorship.

button said...

Super-Cornish-Blog-Man

Anonymous said...

I missed the question mark out then.
Now it sounds like I know Mr Henry's secret identity and have just recklessly revealed it to the world.
tsk!

Button said...

now I look like I'm protecting MY secret identity.

I'm going to make a cuppa.

Anonymous said...

hello
is your Cornwall idea anything like Wild West? I really liked that.....
Regarding waiting for people to get back to you, I have a fab little book called everything that I ever learned that was useful by Lesley Garner. One of the essays is about mending your nets. When fishermen can't get out to sea, they spend their time mending their nets and maintaining their boats. So. Any nets need mending your way?
Oh, and as for push me pull you (as Tirami su is known as by my cousins in norf london, as it's literal translation is pick me up). Highly overrated, in my opinion. And very difficult to digest......

Anonymous said...

oh my goodness, apostrophe misuse, I do apologise - as ITS literal translation - is what I meant to say.....

Imo said...

Super-Cornish-Blog-Man sounds good. I wonder if he wears lycra or if his suits are knitted.

Anonymous said...

As long as he doesn't go underwater. A knitted Super-Cornish-Blog-Man suit would be disasterous in a cool wash situation.

Mangonel said...

The real question is, does he go commando . . .

baggiebird said...

Surley he would have to wear his pants on the outside of his costume.

My first thoughts on reading the post was that i was sure you lived on a planet I just wasn't sure it was this one. But now you've come out as a superhero i'm begining to think i'm right.

button said...

Super-Cornish-Blog-Man wears a costume of Super-Cornish-Fishing-Nets