Thursday, October 19, 2006

The Duke of Sucre II

I've just encountered Alan Sugar again. I wasn't singing this time, and I turned the corner into the Talkback foyer, and nearly bumped into him for the second time this week. This time he more sort of frowned at me a bit (possibly because he'd got a little bit too used to me derderderring the Superman theme at him), and didn't seem terribly keen on moving aside to let me pass, despite the fact that he was standing rather in the centre of the foyer taking up quite a lot of ergonomic space.

This is not the Alan I am used to. The frowning takes him back down to zero, but the be-grudging move nudges him, I'm afraid, into the arena of the karmically unsound.

Still, I'm in again tomorrow, so AS has every chance to redeem himself, perhaps with a small gift left on my desk, hint hint. Or a thousand pounds haha actually he's probably heard that one before.

Let us see how this develops.


UPDATE: comments thread now contains a variety of games suitable for Talback-based Alans. Readers, do YOU have a game based on a popular phrase containing the word 'Sugar?' Why not add it below.

59 comments:

Anonymous said...

Dear James,
We were just wondering if you'd had any more news about the Green Wing book signing, as we are really desperate to know. If not, could you please perhaps poke Rob repeatedly in the head, maybe with a sledgehammer, until he coughs up some answers.

Your 'anonymous' friends,

Emma, Mel and Philippa.

Pugh said...

If he's in tomorrow, I'm at Talkback. Let's have a game of 'Sugar Rush'. First to shepherd him round the entire building, only rushing him and NOT touching, wins.

james henry said...

Nice work! Or 'Sugar Free', when the entire population of the building, at a pre-determined signal, bundles Alan out into the street and refuses to let him come back in.

Re. book signing. This is currently being sorted out, just trying to get some of the cast in the same building at the same time, which won't be that easy...

Button said...

'Sugar High' where you attenpt to force him to the highest floor in the Talkback building (having said that, I haven't been there, so this is no good if it happens to be a bungalow).

my grammer is getting worse.

Billy said...

Sing at him again. He deserves it.

Jen said...

"button said...
my grammer is getting worse."

So's your spelling.

That said, its a shame your faith in Sugar has waned, James. Perhaps he will leave a trinket upon your desk.

You deserve it; his behaviour was altogether less sweet than usual and wholly unpalatable. Bleurgh.

Anonymous said...

Dear James,
Thanks very much for the update.

Emma, Mel and Philippa.

Richard said...

I'm coming in to Talkback tomorrow and if you can't demonstrate Sir Sugar on the premises I shall be most disappointed. How about "Sugar Loaf Mountain?" We grab him, pile him into a van, take him to Ben Nevis and force him to walk around it quite slowly, with little sense of purpose while wearing a smoking jacket.

james henry said...

These are the best games ever. More please.

I may take my camera in tomorrow.

flossie said...

He has his own little plane you know. I used to see him at the airfield in essex, being most grumpisome. (not sure that's a real word) So frankly, I wouldn't take it personally, he always looks like Mr Worry from the Mr Men books.

patroclus said...

'Sugar Sugar', in which you clone him and pit him against himself in a terrible battle to the death.

'Sugar Ray Leonard', in which you coerce him into sunbathing while listening to 'Tower of Song' (although that sounds quite pleasant).

I can't think of any more.

Jen said...

The only other one I can think of is 'Sugar Diabetes', but I can't see how that would work.

james henry said...

Ooh ooh, 'Sugar Plum Ferry', in which Alan has to cross a small river in a self-created boat made only from Damsons or Greengages.

james henry said...

'Sugar Daddy', in which Alan must- actually I might get into trouble on that one.

flossie said...

Caster Sugar

In which Alan has to start off a row of knitting for each and every old lady in a Bingo hall.

Jen said...

'Sugar Lumps', a reality show in which Alan goes to the Gynaecologist.

Or 'Sugar Cubed!'; sequel to 'Sugar Sugar', in which Alan is cloned a further time and pitted against himself himself.

flossie said...

Pound of Sugar

Where Alan has to recreate the courtroom scenes of Merchant of Venice in the Hammersmith Poundstretcher.



(actually I think I stretched that one a bit)

richard said...

Tried to post this before but it didn't work. Apologies if it comes through twice-

"Sugar Cube," in which the Amstrad Supremo is put in the boot of a vehicle and into one of those car crushers, except no-one races in at the last minute to stop it.
OR he's made to rap about computers in the style of Ice Cube. OR he's multiplied by himself three times, thereby becoming an official measure of volume, The "Siralan." Useful for measuring the internal 3D space of anything depressing and humourless. e.g. East Croydon Station, dead elephants etc.

Jen said...

Or 'A Spoonful Of Sugar' - Alan becomes Supernanny.

flossie said...

A Spoonful of Sugar brought up a much less palatable image in my head.

Sugar Jar

Sir Alan presents the Apprentice in the style of Jar-Jar Binks.

james henry said...

Hmm, nearly enough Sugar Cubes to be worth buying a new bowl.

Jen said...

"Sugar Bowl" - like tenpin, but with ten Alans.

james henry said...

I decided a while ago to leave 'A Spoonful of Sugar' well alone.

Sugar Sashay: Alan must glide nonchalantly between a variety of obstacles in order to win prizes for charity.

richard said...

"Sugar and Spice and all things Nice."
Magazine show in which Siralan and Mel B/C (depending on availability) discuss all things Nice. Week 1: topics include the Promenade des Anglais and the Musée Chagall.

Jen said...

Aye - but I had a much more innocent version of SOS...my being a young innocent and all.

'Sugar Plantations' - Alan buys a farm.

I've run out now.

james henry said...

I can see Richard and I are going to be quite busy tomorrow. We should arrange some secret sign for Pugh to join us, or we'll never get a full day's worth of Alan-based games done.

flossie said...

Sugar Shaker

Sir Alan has 20 minutes to make a sturdy and yet simply styled wooden bed. For charity.

Jen said...

No, no I haven't.

'Sugar Babes' - Alan joins a girl group/Alan takes over PlayBoy Mansions.

'Give Me Some Sugar' - Ladies have to choose between three men behind a screen; whoever chooses an Alan wins a trip for two to the West Indies.

flossie said...

Pour Some Sugar On Me

Def leppard teach Sir Alan breakdance moves, culminating in a dance off where Siralan has to caterpillar across a room of metal fans.

morgalou said...

'Vanilla Sugar' - a spirited talk show, co-hosted by Alan and Vanilla Ice. Who would doubtless be glad of the money.

flossie said...

Brown Sugar

A low-cost affair, where Sir alan reads the lyrics from the entire Rolling Stones back catalogue whilst inhaling vast quantities of marijuana.

james henry said...

Now I'm not having a go at anyone in particular, but some of these are getting a bit silly.

Come on people, three more good ones, and we've got ourselves a G2 article.

flossie said...

Oh I've got nothing more. I thought I was being foolish taking on comedy writers at comedy.

I give you sugar-substitute to work with yourself though...

james henry said...

Hmm, an Alan Sugar-Substitute. However I fear there can be no substitute for the Alan. Like that bloke in that film, There Can Be Only One.

I'm almost looking forward to the end of the week, when I can move onto to subjects other than Alan Sugar.

Almost, but not quite.

flossie said...

*sheepish*

There's also sugar cane.

And Sugar Ray Leonard.

Doesn't sugar look odd the more you write it?

richard said...

"Unrefined Sugar." Contestants have to guess when Sir Alan Michael Sugar will stop driving round London in his Burberry-liveried hot hatch, and leap out to shout "Faack Off!" at e.g. the National Gallery.

NB: Frequent Beginners'Mistake- Sir A.M.S. sounding his car horn at the Globe Theatre does not count, unless it is *continuous* and lasts for over thirty seconds.

Terri Nixon said...

Sugar Cane - Alan has to demonstrate the most effective method of avoiding the sting from the headmaster's punishment.

(apologies if that phrase has been used already)

And there must be some variation on Spoon Of Destiny whereby the Sugar that has to be decanted into another receptacle is bearded and slightly on the bolshy side ..

occasional poster of comments said...

'Sugar cane' or 'Sugar beet' - both likely to result in some kind of prosecution. Unless he's into that kind of thing.

'Sugar mouse' - in which Sir Alan is set upon by giant cats.

TonyB said...

Your awkward encounters with Sugar remind me of Statham's encounters with Dr Mac, with you as Statham ;)

Skeadugenga said...

"Spun Sugar" - where you all go around telling everyone how nice he is and how much he does for charity, etc. etc.

"Icing Sugar" - where the latest crop of detective series writers compete for who can "off" him in the most imaginative way.

Anonymous said...

'I want a little sugar in my bowl'
In which Sir Alan is persuaded to place a small part of himself in my bowl.

Nugglymammoo said...

Sugar Puffs – Sir Alan has to run round and round in circles until he is quite giddy and slightly out of breath.

Rose said...

Blood Sugar Sex Magik is another one that gets us into trouble, isn't it?

Sugar Coated - Sir Alan is dipped in chocolate and sold at fairs for extortionate amounts of money OR is given a job as a football manager.

(That joke would have been funnier if football managers still looked like this.)

*leaves quietly*

Jayne said...

Alan Sugaring - Sir Alan has to remove the hair from as many legs as possible in 10 minutes...

Button said...

'Sugar Walls' in which Alan has to perform that smutty song by that Scottish lass, in Las Vagas, wearing feathers.
That would work better if I could remember her name.

'Alan "Siwgr"'... Alan has three weeks to learn Welsh before performing some pointless and embarassing public challenge like singing the anthem during the 6 nations whilst being pelted with... Sugar.

lauren said...

sugar butties - alan sugar goes to work on the production line of a sandwich factory, wearing one of those funny hats that covers hair and beards, and...

actually, that might be amusing enough in itself

rob said...

Demerara Sugar

Contestants have to demonstrate what Siralan would look like in a variety of short frilly skirts.

james henry said...

I was going to pick my favourites but they're all so good.

patroclus said...

Realdoc - like it. 'I Want A Little Sugar In My Bowl' could also refer to a game whereby small children pass a packet of Frosties around the breakfast table until one of them finds the mini-Alan Sugar figure inamongst their cereal.

Great song and all.

Billy said...

Sugar Walls would surely feature Suralan in a Faking It-style challenge to pass as a bricklayer.

Button said...

Sheena Easten!!!

sorry for the slight delay.

billy - or building a fairytale witches holiday home

Pugh said...

BROWN SUGAR - The blaxploitation version of the Amstrad supremo's life to date.

Terri Nixon said...

There is another school of thought that says S'ralan might do well in less of a game show format, and more of a Sugar Soap ...

Button said...

'Blood Sugar Level'

Sir Alan must attempt to maintain his balance on a tightropewhilst being attacked by vampires.

cello said...

Far too late as always. But it's not quite the end of the week.

Sugar Dusting: where Siralan helps Kim and Aggie keep the Talkback offices nice and tidy.

Spun Sugar: where Siralan and Max Clifford fight to push each other into a centrifuge until their constituent parts are separated out.

cello said...

Sugar Soap: where Siralan reappears after several years, after being thought dead, and shouts, " You got a problem, sunshine?"

Piers said...

Alan a Dale - Sir Alan Sugar wanders through various valleys trying to find a stack of money that has been cunningly concealed in a ditch

Alan of Milk and Honey - Sir Alan Sugar becomes a dairy farmer and beekeeper

Alan More - accompanying series on BBC3 where he goes into excruciatingly dull detail about the programme we've just watched on BBC1, and then says that he's just glad he had the experience

helen said...

Sugaroo - we try and balance as many things as possible on Sir Alan before he shakes them off

Jen said...

So...have we got ourselves a G2 article yet, James?

I have to say: I feel belittled by the distinctly more comedic attempts.

Never take on comedy writers at their own game. You'll only end up crying.