Friday, April 21, 2006

More meetings.

I had a couple of meetings well before Christmas, both on the same day, both very positive, both mentioning certain magic phrases rhyming with 'hevelopment bunny' and both utterly failing to ever get back to me ever.

I'm more used to this now, but at the time, when your chase-up emails tumble soundlessly into the great pit specially dug in Soho Square, you start to concoct paranoid scenarios about what actually happened shortly after you left the room...

MEETING ONE

PRODUCER: Well, we like where you're coming from, we've got some projects happening right now that should be right up your street, so let me talk to the technical people and we can sort you out some development money!
ME: Okay, fantastic! Well, nice to meet you!
PRODUCER: And you!

I let myself out. The second the door shuts behind me:

PRODUCER: Hahahahahahahahaha! Twat!

MEETING TWO. About an hour later. Different Producer.

PRODUCER: So this Romey Loves Jools thing? You're thinking sitcom?
ME: (warily) Yeeeeeeees...
PRODUCER: Because I'm thinking film.
ME: Really?
PRODUCER: I think it would make an amazing film.
ME: Right, well... okay, I can see how that could work...
PRODUCER: An amazing film.
ME: Great!
PRODUCER: We'll need to sort out development money. Let's talk again soon.
ME: Okay!

I let myself out. The door closes, and the Producer stares into space for exactly seven and a half minutes. Then presses the buzzer for his assistant.

PRODUCER: Was there someone in my office just now?
ASSISTANT: Yes. A writer.
PRODUCER: Good lord. I could have sworn there was someone in my office.
ASSISTANT: There was. A writer.

Producer stares suspiciously at an empty glass of water

PRODUCER: But no-one was here, you say?
ASSISTANT: A writer was. James Henry?
PRODUCER: Yes! I'm supposed to meet him!
ASSISTANT: That's right.
PRODUCER: Well where is he?
ASSISTANT: He just left.
PRODUCER: My God. How very unprofessional.

He unfurls a long scroll-like list and adds my name to the top, putting a red 'X' next to it, and underlining it three times. Then very slowly, he passes out on his desk.

21 comments:

Danny Stack said...

I've got an hevelopment bunny in the back garden if you want it. Keeps eating me greens.

james henry said...

It has a nice Easterish feel, doesn't it? I like that the tiny amounts of money I got when Smack the Pony was repeated were known as 'Pony residuals'. But then I'm quite easily pleased.

boring said...

The same scenario plays out with all my job interviews.

james henry said...

Write them up. It's very therapeutic.

Steve Dix said...

I have a whole class of customer who seem to think that they're doing me a favour by allowing me to do work for them, and that I should be actually paying them, for some strange reason, to develop internet sites which allow them to rake in cash.

Richard said...

I think I can guess who Producer #1 is, and as you know I had a very, very similar experience. Just out of bloody mindedness I've been chasing up that person and their PA at regular intervals, as has my agent. Nothing. Not a sausage. Maybe it's an orchestrated campaign to send us all mad.

james henry said...

I can add a third 'victim' as well - practically word for word (apart from the made-up bit, obvsly).

I reckon there's a weird psycopathy at work - the person obviously means every word at the time they say it, but if you met them in the street and confronted them, they'd probably look at you like you were the mad one.

Let's find one more writer, the go in mob-handed, brandishng cricket bats and sharpened laptops...

Who is this Dave? said...

I can lend you a cricket bat (at a very discounted rate, since I almost know you).

james henry said...

Thanks Dave - this is all coming together quite nicely thus far...

smoo2 said...

Yey! The loom finally appeared!
Was it as good as you hoped, James?
Funny episode!

james henry said...

Best Jacquard Loom joke this week I reckon. Nicely delivered by the lads there.

Jennifer said...

Fantastic episode. Slightly unsettled by Pippa's 'Skerry Eyes' and I wet myself when Holly appeared, even though I was expecting it.

I feel aged.

faeriequeen said...

Yes, brilliant episode!! Though I kind of resent you and your writerly ilk for playing with my emotions so much! I didn't expect to loathe Holly to this extent so early on, and when I knew it was coming as well! :(

cello said...

Great episode. And there was a Sigur Ros ad in one of the breaks which made me think of you.

Lettice said...

I'm a weaver. I will be weaving on a jacquard loom all of next week. GW makes me happy.

katiepillar said...

Genius episode! Too many good bits to list, but I HATE Holly the Baby Killer already (although I still love Sally Phillips). Grr to her and her silly nicknames! *g*

Better Late Than Never said...

Genius episode! Although you're really playing with my emotions with the whole Mac/Caroline/Holly thing! *goes to watch again*

Anonymous said...

your headline reminds me of this, which still makes me laugh:

(guy trying to do sue white's voice:)
"do i have anymore meeeetangs this afterrrrrrnoooon? do i have anymore meeetangs this afterrrnooon?"

james henry said...

Cello - that Sigur Ros ad seemed slightly out of place, didn't it? Good to see it though.

Hope you're having fun in your new job by the way - and sad to see the end of your... technical writing? Trying not to give the game away there.

Glad to see elsewhere you noticed the return of the cello. Or 'cello.

schneewinkel said...

If you haven't read Rob Grant's "Incompetence", you really should after having written that...

cello said...

Thanks for the above James. Don't start new job until end of June.

Not the right emotional placement for Sigur Ros ad, but someone just chasing demographics and Friday nights still have retail significance for entertainment products, even in this online shopping world.

Re the latest post, I think David Tennant is going to go down as one of the classic Doctors, and not just because I fancy him.

And as a harlot I come somewhere between a slovenly trull and an aged madam. Nice.

See you Friday I hope.