Tuesday, April 04, 2006

Not tree/tree!

Like a whimsical, but ultimately benevolent Creator, I strike down the tatty old apple tree of yesteryear and replace it with the twiggy new apple tree of today*.

Gaze upon its slender beauty and marvel that yesterday, where there was but a stony patch of ground, today there is an tree which will one day have apples and that. It was me that brought it forth. Or at least from out the garage where it was wrapped in a sack. And I planted it at the side of the garden, because cutting down the old tree accidentally did at least open up the lawn, making it look bigger.

On the way back, I tried to smite some seagulls, but they ignored me. Then I realised I'd accidentally stolen a quote from Terry Pratchett's 'Small Gods' book (his best, although 'Feet of Clay' is very good), so I stopped.


One of the small joys of writing is when you get to teach your computer new words. This morning I taught Final Draft (posh screenwriting application) the following:

'Wank'
'Sparky'
'Kshshshsh'
'Dammit'
'Shit' (can't believe it didn't know 'shit')

and

'Oy!'

A good day's work, I feel. My laptop is now enable to hang around in cockney pubs and start fights. I hope this doesn't invalidate the warranty.


* The thing against the fence. No, not that thing, that thing. There, yes. The white poles are weaves, through which the dogs, when so inclined, 'weave'. They're very good at it.

23 comments:

Sue said...

Ooooh new twig.

Also Green Wing is genius.

Maud said...

The only way I can get my phone to say shit is to say shite and take off the e.

The Mighty Schmoo said...

It probably doesn't know 'Oy!' because it's usually spelled 'Oi!'... does it know 'numpty?' :)

Who is this Dave? said...

Yes, 'Oy' has a slightly Jewish ring to it.

Oh no, we're not going there, are we?

smoo2 said...

Tree positioning looks good. You will keep us updated on your little trees' progress, won't you? When it eventually gets fruit on it, perhaps your Mum could make us all some apple crumble to share.

from
Smoo the spindoctor

smoo2 said...

Apologies for accidental incorrect apostrophe.
*hangs head in shame*

Who is this Dave? said...

Mmmm. Apple crumble.

james henry said...

No apple cumble this year, although it may well flower in about a month I think. Although that might be one of my mum's stories, like 'When we move to Cornwall, the ground's softer there, so you can finally have your Batcave'.

*grumble grumble*

I'm going to rewrite 'Oy' as 'Oi' now, as that could have got read wrong. The internets is great!

james henry said...

'Crumble' even.

Quixote said...

Any new phone I get has to learn:
'knackered'
'anyhoo'
'bollocks'
and 'fucked'.

Hmm. Perhaps you can tell I'm a gentleman of a certain age....

surly girl said...

what, though, do the dogs weave? rugs? baskets? magic?

ithankyew. i'm here all week.

Pashmina said...

Oy! That's a lovely apple tree.
(I think your whizzy screenwriting programme should know both sorts of "oi", just in case..)

flossie said...

I read the 'oy' and wondered what kind of jewish cockney comedy you were creating.

Re apple crumble- it'll take about 3 or 4 years before it starts bearing fruit, so it might be a bit of a wait.

Anonymous said...

so, um, there are only eight episodes in the new series.
does that mean there's a special coming our way?

does it?

james henry said...

Mebbe...

Ooh, me so teasy.

Anonymous said...

yes. yes, you are.

what's with you and the blue cat, btw? I've never understood that.
do you actually have a cat? and is it blue?

Matt said...

i do know that the actual cat in question is a Qee cos im hip and trendy like that.

have a butchers here.

word thingy: Morxina - could be the title for a new sitcom about medieval heroines in very skimpy costumes. James should have no trouble writing a script for that what with his WoW knowledge and all...

woot said...

How do you pronounce Qee?

Spinsterella said...

"Oi" is for shouting at people to get their attention. As in:

"Oi, you, listen to me!"

"Oy" is for expressions of exasperation, such as:

"Oy Oy Oy"

So it's probably just as well if the computer learns both.

Matt said...

Qee is pronounced key :P cos they're keyrings. clever, eh?

Elfgirl said...

I haven't read this bit of online brilliance for some time as I went off to LJ which then died on me. Also, I keep typing in "jamesandthebluecat@blogspit.com" which I imagine is a different kind of blog altogether.

I have some ideas for series 2 GW DVD. Don't feel you have to use them or anything, only, you know, do.
1. General Outtakes
2. She Who Laughs Last Laughs Laughter: The Outtakes of Tasmin Grief
3: Follicle Fun: The Green Wing Hair Featurette
4. Something about medical type stuff. Or a slinky.

Jane Perrone said...

Big praise for you and your cohorts in the Guardian this morning:
http://www.guardian.co.uk/tv_and_radio/story/0,,1749003,00.html

And I quote:
"Some people have suggested that the show is morphing into a suppository and beginning to disappear up its own bottom. But these people are wrong. Anyone who isn't amused when the hospital's human resources department start operating around a non-existent, invisible security beam cutting through their office, is clearly an idiot."

(Conflict of interest declaration: I work at the Grauniad (the Unlimited bit, though.)

I've now watched one of the last series and the first of the new. It had me scuttling to my online DVD rental service to reserve the first series pronto ...

james henry said...

Yes, the backlash, and then the 'backlash against the backlash' seem to have settled down into some people hate it, some people love it, which seems about right.

Maybe the key is, if you there's a bit you don't like, there'll hopefully be another bit along in a second that you do like.

In tonight's episode, blogger Ori (bearded lady) is violated in the back of a taxi by Mark Heap. Set those recorders...