Tuesday, January 09, 2007

Before Christmas

I had a meeting with BBC DRAMA, which went like this:

BBC DRAMA: A'ight.
ME: A'ight.

Pause.

BBC DRAMA: 'sup.

Pause.

ME: Yo, I ain't got all day, man. I got to be dealing with my people. You gots to cut to the chase, you hear me?
BBC DRAMA: Why you got to be all up in my face, yo? We just hardly done met!
ME: That's just how I is. Where I come from, that's how we roll.
BBC DRAMA: So, we be keeping a' ear to the streets, yo- Ooh, cup of tea?
ME: Lovely, ta.
BBC DRAMA: -and we be hearin' 'James Henry' this, and 'James Henry' that, and so forth and suchlike'?
ME: I hear you.
BBC DRAMA: An' we deduct that this 'James Henry' of which we hear so much, he clearly be one scriptwritin' muthafunsta. And maybe, jus' maybe, we gots room for one such as yourself in our organisation.
ME: I don't know man, I had some meetings with BBC Comedy, and though the lower levels contain some straight-up playas such as a straight-up playa such as myself can relate to, the resolution to the negotiations were not what you'd call satisfactory.
BBC DRAMA: Do you see smoked glass partitions?
ME: Playa whut?
BBC DRAMA: Do you see smoked glass partitions?
ME: No.
BBC DRAMA: Do you see big photos of Ricky Gervais and Jennifer Muthafunsting Saunders up on these here walls?
ME: I do not.
BBC DRAMA: That's because the environs in which you've planted your pasty gothic butt belong to Drama, not to motherfunsting Comedy.

Pause

ME: Fair enough.
BBC DRAMA: So we'd like to commission you to write an hour long drama script.
ME: Not comedy?
BBC DRAMA: No. Experiments have shown that in comedy, an hour can be quite a long time.
ME: Can it be a bit funny?
BBC DRAMA: Yes.
ME: Are you going to give me some money?
BBC DRAMA: Yes
ME: Woo hoo!
BBC DRAMA: Now go away.
ME: Righto.

34 comments:

Jane said...

*Chortles*

Like it. So I guess congratulations are in order, you motherfunsta? (LOVE that, by the way, will be using it on all the other mums at nursery this morning ;-)

Who is this Dave? said...

Wooooo.

morgalou said...

Why am I left picturing BBC Drama as collectively resembling Ed from Shaun of the Dead, complete with "Got Wood" t-shirt?

Bravo!

Nugglymammoo said...

Well who'd have thunk it? James Henry - drama queen. Glad it can be a bit funny though. Well done you.

Anonymous said...

Ooh check you & your muthafunsting ways. Congrats.

Anonymous said...

Congratulations are in order, you drama mama. I mean, muthafunsta.

Tim Footman said...

Why don't you write an hour-long drama (but a bit funny) about a parallel universe in which Tim Westwood and Vanilla Ice run the BBC drama department?

Oh.

And round these parts we still call them melonfarmers.

Billy said...

I like to see Tim Westwood and Vanilla Ice team up in some way. Fighting crime is the obvious choice, but running the BBC drama department would be ok. Now trying to incorporate muthfunsting into a conversation.

Marsha Klein said...

I love "pasty gothic butt"!

Anonymous said...

You owned dem drama muvvers, yo!

*claps* Well done you!

Boz said...

If you use motherfunsta three times you own it forever...

Check the contract. A bit funny, or dramatically funny. Aha!

Try nobbling Aunty on a word technicality and see what they say...

Kewl, though. Kewl.

Imo said...

Or it could be drama with lots of black comedy thrown in. btw have you turned into the posh pimp from Green Wing. Sorry I know we're not supposed to mention the GW words ever again, but that's how the posh pimp talked, and your post reminded me of him.

Salome said...

I'm quite sure my old History teacher thought he had conversations with his students like that.

Anyway, bare pleased you gots to see the BBC Drama motherfunstas, you get me?

Anonymous said...

Mr realdoc has asked me to convey his request that you do something to reverse the 'appalling slur on the radiology profession' which you perpetrated in your previous television series. He suggests a piece featuring a cool, charming yet devilish consultant radiologist who solves crimes and ends up with the girl. (His personal preference is Kate Winslet). Oh, and he'd like him to drive a sportscar. Thank you.

Maud said...

Oh well done lad! I look forward to it.

violetforthemoment said...

Congrats James, on the BBC dollar and on the post: as someone who's had to listen to it all day at work (and respond, with a three-second time delay while I work out what the other person has said), I can certify that the yoofspeak is transcribed eerily well. "Yo I ain't got all day man. I got to be dealing with my people, you get me?" I think someone may have said those exact, exact words to me this morning... I'm a probation officer, by the way. Maybe you could give the radiologist a justice-dispensin' sidekick and give our image a boost too.

Who is this Dave? said...

As a soon-to-be-sports car-owning clergyman, can I say that our image could do with an uplift too (particularly after Dibley), and I am happy to join the crime-fighting squad. I would need to get the girl too, of course.

Hamilton's Brain said...

Jolly well d on the 'mission. Will it be Dark, because I hear Warm is the new Dark.

james henry said...

It's mostly Warm, then gets a bit Dark at the end, but not unbearably so.

Good to know what the new Dark is though, I thought it was Silly, but that seems to have gone through the BBC like a dose of salts.

I wish Good was the new Dark.

On an unrelated not, I have just watched the Extras on the GW special DVD and would like to thank the person who took the footage from the writers' room, saw me pulling an odd face and baring my yellow teeth, and though 'ooh, let's slow that bit down, that'll look funny'.

Orb, were you involved? Hmm?

Imo said...

pfttt still banging on about GW then James !!! I've seen that bit, it's amusing.

madelinenancy said...

oh, like we're NOT imo! lol

congratulations on the script!!

CupboardLady said...

*Has sudden overwhelming urge to watch the extras on the special DVD* Congrats, James!! Can't wait to hear more about it, u muthafunsta, u!

Ros x said...

haha I saw that extra too - class :)
ooh well done james that sound all too exciting comepared to my rather boring life of a-levels <_<

Saijal said...

Excellent synopsis although I heard on CSI:Miami the gangsta types now say "gosta" rather than "gots to". That extra little bit of elision really takes it to the realistic place.

Now if you'll excuse me I gosta bust my ass on this essay shizzle. For rizzle.
We out.

Anonymous said...

Hi James,

Yay for you - money's always good!

Sorry to bang on about GW, but you wouldn't happen to know where I can find a cheapish DVD of series 1 for my sis in NZ? She's a huge fan...

You don't have a (ahem - blush) signed copy floating about anywhere?

(Just kidding - I'm sure I can make it down to Virgin or somewhere, on my gammy leg...),

First-time commenter, long-time reader,

Rachel

james henry said...

Don't have any signed copies I'm afraid - post-Christmas, I guess ebay's your best bet....

Anonymous said...

I meant - signed by YOU, not the cast...

cello said...

More important than anything is to remember that short is the new long, and Mayan is the new Latin.

patroclus said...

I like to think that short is the new tall.

james henry said...

Rachel - I don't even own a copy myself, as all the DVDs I got sent are all skippy and weird. If you got one and sent it to my agent via address on the 'james-henry.co.uk' site I could certainly get it signed if you wanted, of course.

My agent will of course tease me for a month, but hey.

Cello: yes.

Patroclus: no.

Maud said...

Private Eye would have a field day with this thread.

Anonymous said...

Yo. Dat iz da bomb man. Big-up yerself.

Word up.

Anonymous said...

I like realdoc's hub's idea, but perhaps the radiologist should BE Kate Winslet...

Just got and watched the GW special at last (being a Yank, we have to wait for the decent television). Enjoyed you and O. in the extra bits.

Looking forward to what you do next. But whatever it is...

MORE TOY-FU!
My office door needs more decoration.

Elfgirl said...

Hellooooooo. Twas very nice and interesting to hear you and the others talk at the thing today (I was too shy to ask a question but I said bye as you were leaving (I was with a girl in a red coat - we were eating chips), I think). Anyway, er, yes, hope you enjoyed the day and had much fun!