Sunday, September 17, 2006

My eyes! The citrus stingeth so!


pomander
Originally uploaded by jamesandthebluecat.
Some discussion as to what Tactical Kits (the sort of thing Jack Baur demands before going off to shoot Evil Terrorists) would look like if they had them in the seventeenth century.

Patroclus pointed out that they would be called 'Tactickal Kittes' (also a good name for a seventeenth century secret agent), and her further discussion with Mrs Patroclus Snr determined that such a thing would have to include the following:

A box of matches.
A handkerchief.
A pomander (some confusion as to what a pomander actually is, although dictionary.com defines it as primarily as "a mixture of aromatic substances, often in the form of a ball, formerly carried on the person as a supposed guard against infection but now placed in closets, dressers, etc..") I thought this was what it was, but I decided to check, in case it turned out to be a small country, or a sense of impending ennui or something, but it wasn't, so that's good.

I would add to this list:

A brace of sawn-off matchlocks.
A stinky brooch (for planting on suspects and then tracking their progress by looking out for people shouting 'Pooooh! There goes Sir Stinke, up to no good, I'll be bound, egad' and that sort of thing).
A bulletproof periwig.

Also, the Tactikcal Kitte would look like a viol case (apparently a 'viola' case is an anachonism - this could clearly bring the whole Flintpunk project crashing down around our powdered ears, well spotted PP!).

And, my pomader would be a dried orange studded with cloves, only if you press the cloves in the correct sequence, it TURNS INTO A GRENADE.


Also, on an unrelated topic apart from general silliness, Mitchell and Webb's bit about the under-researched medical drama which had lines likes 'Give me the kind of medicine that makes you better if you have the specific illness it was designed for, but it bit worse if you have another kind of illness entirely' and 'oh no, he is poorly from the wrong kind of electric' was just lovely. I also very much enjoyed the closing banana dance.

ALSO: Apologies to anyone directed here from the Wall Street Journal - clearly there has been a terrible mistake. Although because the site is subscription-only, I have no way of knowing what it said. But anyway, sorry.

17 comments:

patroclus said...

There's no reason why the pomander shouldn't function as the stinky brooch as well as a (remotely-operated) grenade, making it a commendably versatile item to have in any Tactickal Kitte.

Are we in flintpunk territory yet?

james henry said...

"Look out, the Conspirators have introduced a shonky punch card to the Logic Mill! To the sedan chairs!"

If the BBC don't commission this soon, I will start to fear they are all twats.

skeadugenga said...

Damn, my secret is out, I am manufacturing pomanders of mass destruction at home. The tactical kitte should also contain a lead lined lace hanky, with which to challenge the villain to a duel.

I also liked the Mitchell and Webb medical drama, especially the big bottle marked "medicine". The anxious Nazis were also lovely, I feel we don't see enough of their human side.

james henry said...

"Hang on, are we...... baddies?"

Jayne said...

And may I suggest a razor edged fan for any female agents out there...

james henry said...

Like in Brotherhood of the Wolf? Mmm, saucy Vatican secret agents...

Paul Pennyfeather said...

I think in the interests of historical accuracy the case of a viol not a viola should be used.

Kalista said...

I love a good bit of 17th century spelling.

Did the numberwang bit in TM&WL make anyone elses head hurt? numbers confuse me at the best of times...

realdoc said...

2 points..
1. clove oil is rather nasty if it gets in your eye like C17th tear gas. (?clove canisterro)
2 M&W's medical drama was fab. As accurate as Casualty definately.

Hamilton's Brain said...

Some M&W set details from the Emergency Medical Treatment skit available here...

http://flickr.com/photos/lfenner/186343319/

Mr Henry, did I ever mention to you The Gentleman Yonder? I shall email you if not; another idea I'll never do anything with...

james henry said...

Ooh, background details! Good stuff HB - no idea what Gentleman Yonder is, but it sounds marvellous. Or rude. Or both.

jpmist said...

From the WSJ. . .

James and the Blue Cat
JamesAndTheBlueCat.blogspot.com


James Henry is a comedy writer who lives in Cornwall County in southwestern England. Among his notable works, Mr. Henry wrote for "Green Wing," a British television comedy set in a hospital, and "Smack the Pony," an all-female sketch-comedy show. He also has written episodes of the children's program "Bob the Builder."

With a sense of humor that's patently British, the wry and self-effacing Mr. Henry has built a loyal readership with earnest descriptions of a screenwriter's life. "I had a couple of meetings well before Christmas," he wrote earlier this year. "Both mentioning certain magic phrases rhyming with 'hevelopment bunny' and both utterly failing to ever get back to me ever."

Most of his blog posts describe things he finds interesting or funny, from which he draws inspiration. Writing for a comedy show "gave me license to take small stupid moments or conversations that had happened to me in real life and have them performed by expensive actors," he says. "Then I discovered the whole blog thing, so I could do without the actors." In fact, Mr. Henry is developing a sitcom based on his blog.

james henry said...

Hey, thanks very much!

'Earnest'? Am I earnest? Well, there's worse things to be. I quite like 'wry' though.

Must go, I have a consignment of moonshine to deliver across the Cornwall County border.

Rose said...

Well, it's possible the alternative to 'earnest' is 'wacky'... *shudder*

Should I be worried that one of my housemates actually has four out of six Tactickal Kitte items in his room? Is he leading a secret double life in a scenario not unlike 'Goodnight, Sweetheart'

LoRi~fLoWer said...

You can't stress enough the importance of being earnest, really.

(over from Pash's blog)

james henry said...

Oh, well played.

belladona said...

Oh, I'm so glad someone else really liked the banana dance. I laughed hysterically then looked around woriedly to see if anyone was scowling at me for being lowbrow (it was alright, I was alone). I feared my sense of humour had taken a downturn due to the current lack of amusing programmes written by you.

I made a load of pomanders one year but sadly none of them turned into grenades (that would have livened up embarrassing family christmas silences) though some of them went mouldy. Tip - when making pomanders, be sure that they are fully aired on all sides until dry.
Or you could go out and do something more interesting instead.