Sunday, May 14, 2006

The Da Vinci Code II: I Know What You Did Last Supper

How I wish I'd thought of that. If I had, I would quite rightly be crowned King of Jokes, and not have to pay council tax for a year. Instead it was sent to me by Evans, who I think sourced it from some kind of mystical Ultimate Joke Shop, probably tucked about halfway down Diagon Alley. If that's what it's called, I only got up to about halfway through the third book, although I did once meet JK when doing a signing at Waterstone's Canterbury (she was doing the signing, not me, although Bernard Cornwell did once ask me to sign a Bob the Builder book for his nephew, I'm just saying), and she was wearing leather trousers and looked astonishingly foxy. This was before she was a squillionaire too, so clearly I liked her for who she was, although she's married to a GP now, so I missed my chance.

Get yer Bearded Ladies tickets here. Did you spot Fay as the nurse who shouted 'Hello Doctor Statham' at Joanna's crotch? If so, well done you.



So, my Powerbook died, which was fine, as it was still under guarantee, and I'd backed up all my stuff on the ipod, and I've got my old laptop over at Matt's anyway.

Then the ipod died. The music's all gone, and it goes unrecognized by any computer I attach it to, but it seems likely that the files are still on it, so, you know, when the Powerbook comes back it might all be okay.

Then over the weekend, my old laptop coughed, spluttered, and died. The only way to get it back on its feet was to restore it to factory settings, which of course wipes out everything on it. Including my posh Final Draft scriptwriting utility, the actual CD for which is stuck in my old laptop, currently somewhere near Bristol.

Fortunately, having grown increasingly aware of Steve Job's increasingly vicious vendetta against me, I had backed up most of my files on CD.

Unfortunately, it turns out only about half of these actually have anything on them.*

Woo hoo!

Many thanks to Matt for helping me get my old laptop at least up and working, and apologies for taking up most of your afternoon. I trust the Jaffa cakes in some way softened the blow.

In a weird sort of way though, it's actually quite a cleansing process. I can go back and reload software I actually use, rather than stuff I bought because I wanted the lifestyle (hello Word Office, goodbye iLife). And I drove back from Matt's house in bright sunshine, through some very pretty country roads, playing an old compilation tape I must have made sometime around 1998, and suddenly remembered how much I loved The Damned, who, when followed by McAlmont and Butler, make a singalong challenge too life-affirming to resist.

So I didn't. Apologies to all.


* When I put in the CD containing mp3s of the rarest and most beautiful finds (odd Postal Service remixes, bits of Fredo Viola, some Moondog, acappella covers of computer game themes), a text box appeared saying 'You have inserted a blank CD. What would you like me to do with it?' and I had to go for a bit of a walk until I calmed down.

22 comments:

Rose said...

I spotted Fay! Do I get a cookie?

What I should actually get is a sharp tap on the nose with a rolled up newpaper for being such a fangirl and screeching "omgitsfayshewritesbitsyouknowhahahahacrotchshesace" and terrifying the housemates.

love's child said...

Sorry about your computer(s). Once my computer died (and right on the eve of the presentation for my studio project!) and I spent the whole morning trying to get it to work. Finally I gave in and just crumpled up in a corner crying and there was this whirring sound and it came to life. I swear machinery are conscious nowadays.

But having your whole computer wiped clean can be a very refreshing start indeed.

Evans said...

Jas, my heart has gone out to you. So if you could pack it up gently and post it back quicksmart, I'd be much obliged. BOOM BOOM!

P.S. Joke courtesy of HolyMoly, for all your nasty, 'revved-up version-of-Popbitch' gossip needs.

Aimee said...

I've been saying it for years, writers should go back to the long lost art form of writing that involved scribbly/straggly/illegible handwriting on nasty ratty bits of paper. Technology is dangerous.

By the way, I think it is monstrously unfair that you never appear in little itty bitty bit parts in GW..

james henry said...

So do I.

Elfgirl said...

I noticed Fay too! Do I get a medal? Or will my reward be in Devon. Haha... Yes. I am beyond pathetic...but do I get a medal though?

leonie said...

i absolutely love the "fresia" joke.
very strange thought, but worked out very well.
perfect delivery from Tamsin and Stephen. especially with the repetition: "a fresia, one of your favourite things" - "what is?"...
excellent!!

now, mac and caroline - those two make me lose the will to live.

oh, and mark heap is god.

cello said...

Life-affirming singalong challenges should never be resisted.

I know I go on about it too much, but the sheer utter joy of music is unlike any other sensory experience. Closely followed by dance, which is just music made spatial.

I was very pleased to read Armando Iannucci's brilliant essay in today's Observer about what classical music has meant to him in his life and I may just have to write to him and beg im and Stephen Fry to start some sort of... campaign, or something.

Yes, spotted Fay talking to Pippa's crutch. I'm sure it's a delightful crutch but I'm looking forward to The Bearded Ladies on telly when Ori and Fay can write themselves some more glamorous and aspirational parts, rather having to play a whore, an ugly woman or someone who talks to a groin.

Anonymous said...

The joke's originally from the Guardian. The home of comedy.

Elfgirl said...

How come some people say "crotch" but others say "crutch"? I always thought "crotch" was right but now I'm not sure. This is not the sort of question I should be putting out into the world really, is it?

woot said...

Isn't a crutch the thing you use to walk when you have a broken leg?

patroclus said...

I wouldn't be surprised if they shared the same root, crux, or 'cross', being the confluence of two struts (or legs). As in 'nub and crux'.

I could just be making that up, though. It has been known. We'll see when I finally get selected to be a contestant on QI.

Jayne said...

My ibook's at the doctors at the moment with a failed hard drive. All my itunes and, ahem, entirely legally purchased software down the drain. Damn Apple for making such pretty things with rotten insides...

Jane said...

Apropos of nothing, James, have you seen this?

People's Museum

Starts today, I think, and I thought it might appeal to you in a museum-y sort of way.

If you are the sort of person who sits and watches telly at 3:30 on a Monday afternoon, of course!

james henry said...

Now I don't traditionally watch daytime television, as it makes me scream and want to kill things and people and animals, although this could be quite good.

Elfgirl said...

You should never get sucked into the vortex of daytime telly, you will never escape. But can you please watch it anyway and tell me if it's good. Then I may record the next one.

gw fan said...

*cue violin music*

"you'll always be the King of Jokes to me!"

james henry said...

I'll always be King of Jokes to myself, sadly enough, but thanks.

Didn't get round to watching the museum thing, as came up with ace idea for a sitcom, which by tomorrow will be revealed as either utterly nonsensical, or an unconscious scene-by-scene remake of 'The Dick Van Dyke Show'. as once happened to top comedy writer Rob Long.

Orb said...

I once wrote a piece of music which turned out to be an exact note-for-note replica of "Moondance" by Van Morrison, only backwards.

I don't own any Van Morrison records, and at the time I didn't know my "Moondance" from my elbow.

Clearly the spirit of Van Morrison wanders abroad ofttimes, cackling rabidly, and possesses the minds of lesser mortals with the intention of playing nasty practical jokes on them. I always thought there was something a bit shifty about him.

james henry said...

That's quite cred though - imagine if it had been Ronan Keating or something...

Did Van do 'Sweet Thing'? I always liked that one.

Mummy/Crit said...

James, do you know of the temporary fix for the iPod? You can only use it if the thing is otherwise totally rooted and you know it (so in my case I knew it was the hard drive 'cause it was making bad noises, and it was out of warranty). The idea is that you bang it on a hard surface, firmly and evenly along one edge. Shocks the disk out of whatever stuck pattern it is in, but as I said, only temporary, and only good if the alternative is to chuck it in the bin and buy a new one. i have tried it. It did get mine going again, but for how long?

entropy said...

I just have to ask - accapella covers of which computer game themes? Sounds interesting.

Possibly because currently have the We [heart] Katamari one in my head and it won't go away ... though it is mixing with one from an ad I can't identify however hard I try, but sounds a bit like it, and another one from about 8 years ago that goes on about daydreams and flowers and hours.

And breathe.