Friday, April 13, 2007

For No Particular Reason - one of the 'Green Wing: the George Clooney Ending' endings

I was looking for something else and I found this. The nice thing about the internet is nothing is ever wasted.


INT. THEATRE - DAY

We see the last few seconds of GW2 on a television up in the corner of an american operating theatre. Two DOCTORS are operating.

DOCTOR ONE
Can we turn that off? It’s a bit distracting.

NURSE uses a remote control to zap the TV. Quiet for a second. DOCTOR TWO pokes about in the patient for a bit.

DOCTOR TWO
This looks like a tricky one all right. Yes sireee. Hoooooo boy.

NURSE and DOCTOR stare at DOCTOR TWO.

DOCTOR
Take your mask off.

DOCTOR TWO
(petulantly) No.

NURSE reaches over and pulls down the mask, revealing GEORGE CLOONEY’s face.

DOCTOR
You finished ER years ago.

GEORGE CLOONEY
I’m doing research. For a film. About.... doctors.

DOCTOR
(to NURSE) Call security.

GEORGE CLOONEY
Come on, there’s absolutely no need for- (points behind them) oh my god, it’s Mister Freeze!

NURSE and DOCTOR look round. GEORGE CLOONEY plucks something from the patient’s innards and sprints off. He immediately runs into the trolley and goes flying, sending surgical instruments everywhere and hitting the ground like a sack of boiled shit.

NURSE and DOCTOR stare at him, then at the patient.

NURSE
He just stole that man’s gall bladder.

GEORGE CLOONEY (O.S.)
Julia Roberts made me do it. (whispers) She put a bomb in my head...

DOCTOR
You poor sick bastard.

GEORGE CLOONEY
Can someone help me up?

NURSE/DOCTOR
No.

FADE OUT


At least the gall bladder bit got used. Although that might have been a coincidence.

17 comments:

Sylvia said...

Is this from the fanfic on various sites? At least it doesn't involve sex, which most of the other stuff I've seen does - it's all pretty steamy! It seems to be written by some very young people - anyone older hasn't got the imagination or time for that sort of thing. Have you read any of that stuff too?

james henry said...

No it's not fanfic, but thanks (I love fanfic, but I can't read GW stuff, as I'm too close to it).

I did write a scene about Caroline finding Sue White had been publishing Mac fanfiction on the internet, but it didn't make it in. Might appear in the second scriptbook though.

Sylvia said...

I had a fanfic idea - Caroline being invited back as guest of honour at the prizegiving at her old school, with Guy,Mac, Martin and Sue coming along for the ride.
Mac is chased by an adoring flange of firstyears and has to be rescued by Sue, Guy is cornered by some fierce nuns, Karl ends up setting fire to the hockey hut. And Caroline, of course, causes a commotion as she bumbles her way through the prizegiving.

james henry said...

Commission x6.

Sylvia said...

sorry - is that good or bad? You're dealing with the bewildered here.........

Jen said...

I'm just apprehensively waiting for some Holly/Sue slash, because that's about the only combination that's NOT been 'explored' by that unsettling core of overly-sexual-for-their-years 'Yoof'.

I mean, I do tend to wander off into the interweb with my hands over my ears screaming 'LALALALA!' if I see a story is about to go into that whole MacSLASHGuy thang.
I'm not homophobic by any means, it just seems that every single bloody fanfic has Caroline getting shafted (steady!) and Mac 'finally realising his love for Guy'.

It just scares me that 99% of the steamy stuff is written by 15 year olds. Though, most of that can be described as 'steamy stuff'. And not the good kind.

james henry said...

That's where the word 'slash' comes from of course - Star Trek fans circulating dirty stories about Spock/Kirk..

Sylv - an injoke there, sorry. I should point out though, Mac would be 'well dead' by now.

As a doornail.

Dead Mac.

Sylvia said...

I'm glad it's not just me, Jen - I get very hot under the thermal vest reading that stuff. I've only read it once, actually.....that one time was enough for me.

But tell us James, what's it like to see your creations manhandled by complete strangers? Are you pleased by it? Disturbed? Don't care as you've moved on to the next job? Is it actually you writing some of this stuff?

Speaking of George Clooney, he's a quite near neighbour of ours on the planet naboo (aka Lake Como) but I've never seen him. The local paper is always full of his movements but he never comes by our little bit of beach on his jetski of an afternoon. It's probably the sight of me in my M&S lurid pink swimsuit that puts him off, and everyone else, actually, but it does mean that we have the beach to ourselves.
But I digress.

What, Mac dead? Since when? Nobody tells me anything.......

Heather said...

You'd have problems using Clooney in a doctor related role. This is one of my favourite Clooney facts.

Ever noticed that he spent about 60% of his time in ER looking downwards in what appeared to be serious thought?

It's because he could never remember his lines, especially all the medical jargon, so he wrote them all over the props. Apparently there are even a few seens where you can see his scribbled notes stuck to the side of gurneys etc.

Hamilton's Brain said...

In the interests of completeness I feel duty-bound to point out that most Star Trek slash fiction of the gay proclivity is written by heterosexual women.

james henry said...

Indeed, I should have made that clear. JK Rowling has got quite upset by the number of underage female teenagers writing non-canon stories about Harry and Draco getting up to stuff that's probably not on the Hogwarts curriculum.

Skeadugenga said...

Tch. And I always had Harry destined to find happiness with Ron.

Mac dead? Thats what they said about Spock. And Sherlock Holmes.

Imo said...

I'm sorry but unless you actually write a GW Series 3/spinoff involving a Mac who is no more, then to me HE IS NOT DEAD

Apologies for the 'capitals' there I don't know what came over me!

I love the gall bladder scene - it's one of my favorites, and I'm sure George Clooney wouldn't have carried it off as well as Mark Heap.

Sylvia said...

Hmm interesting re authorship of slash fanfiction - you learn something new every day.

My absolutest favouritest scene from GW has to be the pant fight in s1 ep6. Note how Mac has a good grope of Caroline.......

Am writing this whilst listening to a Victoria Wood cassette I picked up in the charity shop last week. All my old favourites are there - Let's do it, I'm pissed off with love, etc etc.

Is it just me? Anyone else a fan? Caroline could have had her as a role model.......

Well, yes, George Clooney, doesn't surprise me at all - he doesn't have the clout of the Heap.

Hope you all have a good Friday night out. I have to read 50 pages of lottery application guidelines before tomorrow morning......

miss-cellany said...

I'd love to see Mr C deliver the line about the bomb in his head.

In the meantime, "I'm doing some research...for an MA. About blogging"

If you and any of your lovely readers have a moment to spare to share thoughts on writing, blogs and blogging, I've left a post and I would more than grateful for your ideas.

sb said...

how could you? - I haven't been able to post a response before now due to suffering gut-renching feelings from that cruel reminder of yours about Mac's fate.

Anonymous said...

There is Harry/Ron fanfiction.

There is also Oceans' 11-13 slash fanfiction.

(Yes, I know ... I too thought I should be shocked, then I realized I was probably quite naive.)

I think the takeaway axiom is that if there are nice-looking man-actors and compelling characters, the odds are that there will be slash fanfiction.

Now as to quality? YMMV.

(Perhaps another guideline - the smaller the "fandom", the more likely the fanfiction will be at least decent, as a group has self-selected that cares sufficiently to research and write about something that (comparatively) obscure? Just guessing ...)

I don't know who Mac is, though.