Sunday, July 24, 2005

Straps could have been looser though.

This post is being transcribed by my assistant Alicia*, as I picked up a couple of sporting injuries (pulled shoulder muscle, stiff neck, some knee-based grass stains) playing The Sport Of Kings this weekend. Can't go into details at this juncture, but topmilers were involved, and stickles were random.


hedghog
Originally uploaded by jamesandthebluecat.

Of course I left my cleft mitten in the team coach, like a fool, and there was no time to go back, but fortunately a French team were in the vicinity, and they let me borrow theirs between bouts. Not a perfect fit (the French have very small hands as a rule), and a little sweaty, but it had to do. First half very good, dropped a maison in the second, everything left to play for in the third, and then Vic pulled a spectacular Brenda Blethyn out of the bag at the last moment, freeing up the stickles a treat. One or two moans from the opposition, but that's all to be expected. And to their credit, Oliver Chris ran a beautifully-laundered nine-hand undermiler, the likes of which haven't been seen since the early days of Marcus Geisler**, only to come a cropper when he was ruled just a couple of inches over the sneddon.


heist
Originally uploaded by jamesandthebluecat.



The thing about Guyball it that it's really about mental strength rather than physical strength, or dexterity. Although I am dextrous. And physically very strong, so it would have been odd if we hadn't won. And we did win. End of play: eight maison to four, none of them looped. And that ain't bad.




* She's twenty four, Ruritanian, and quite beautiful. I originally hired her as a nanny, but it became increasingly and uncomfortably obvious that I didn't have any children, as such. But it seemed a shame to let her go.

**The Big Austrian.

34 comments:

irony in motion said...

Blimey.
Were burrow tactics and/or hedgehogs allowed?* And, for that matter, did any tail-whipping take place?

*Can you say 'bidden' as an opposite of 'fobidden'? Because I did here, and then decided that couldn't be right.

james henry said...

Burow tactics yes, tail-whipping no. Nobody wants a repeat of the Gstaat incident. But people were hedgehogging every which way, especially Heap, who has a natural affinity for the manoevre, although my guess is he paid for it in the morning.

Kalista said...

The scandal!

cello said...

*Thunderous applause*

I knew that, in a parallel universe, Guyball really did exist.

Do I spot Fay and Julian in the hedgehog, and Rob performing a very nifty heist?

james henry said...

Indeed you did - click on the pics for more play-by-play details, and kudos on correct use of terminology.

Orb said...

Who and what is going on behind Julian? I'm hoping that backside and that topmiler belong to the same person, otherwise I fear one team were performing a Sideways Prone Stickle-Tamper when nobody was looking and the game may be null.

Mummy/Crit said...

Crikey, I have no hope whatsoever of understanding that post...it was amusing however....I guess I'm just living in the wrong country/subculture.

james henry said...

I'm surprised to hear that - the Antipodes have turned out some fine Guyballers over the years. One thinks automically of Sean 'Double Flap' Horowitz of course, but L.P. Alabaster's contribution to the game must never be underestimated.

And Orb, if you look carefully, you'll see that the topmiler just behind Julian is just an inch behind the stickle boundary, rendering any SPSTs null and void. Well spotted though.

smoo2 said...

So, is how you guys relax after a hard day of filming? Or are we observing intense rehearsals before filming?

irony in motion said...

Question on heist picture - is that stone thing some kind of ancient Guyball scoring apparatus, or did it just happen to be there?

Seriously, I really want to play Guyball now. I even have a bin the right size.

james henry said...

It's entirely possible that we were filming. And the stone thing was there already, but is clearly some kind of Neolithic Guyball post.

If everyone starts now, we could have a team for the 2012 Olympics, although we'd have to share space with the robot wrestling and personal jetpack racing squads I think.

BiScUiTs said...

Hahaha that's so funny, I love the picture. Most of the tactics employed there seem to be either standing quite still, or distracting other players with funny poses haha.

Elfgirl said...

When will the Guyball book be out? My brother got a paper scissors stone strategy guide but I think this would be more useful in the longrun. Especially at weddings when you've had too much to drink and the DJ's rubbish.

poppy said...

haha that's so funny. i think if guyball was made an official sport i would definitely take part. i did consider taping a basket to the head of a year seven and telling them to run, but in the end i didnt.

irony in motion said...

Why on earth not?

faeriequeen said...

Yeah, what else are year 7's good for? :p

I think the Guyball episode is the one I missed, but I've strived to learn it secondhand.

POE said...

eek! What's hedgehogging? Should I be worried?

Must hunt for my local team's fixtures.

lauren said...

those don't look like international competition standard topmilers to me...and, putting my health and safety hat on here, where are the goggles?

i would have just loved to have seen this

rob said...

Lauren, you're right. Those topmilers wouldn't be allowed at schools or county level, never mind international standard. But when you think that a proper Hudson & Black topmiler can cost upwards of £800, then it's obvious that some corners had to be cut. Even the horrid Nike ones are £300 plus...

Incidentally, I think I'm right in saying that the backside that Orb identified actually belongs to Michelle Gomez.

lauren said...

so, are there more tournaments planned? are you even in a league, because if you are, quite simply i think you might be laughed at without even a team strip. i'm sure there'd be many willing volunteers to start a fund

cello said...

Mmm, reading this again, was the team coach you left your mitten in a person or a vehicle? And I always heard it as 'borough tactics', but another rabbit reference was on the cards I suppose.

james henry said...

We'll have none of that sexy talk in Guyball, thank you.

Jane said...

Why do the words "Mornington Crescent" keep floating through my head...

Loganoc said...

Oh my god! It's a bad picture of JRT! He's wearing a horrid baggy jumper! Incredible. But thank you very much for those pictures. Did people stop and stare?

james henry said...

I was fully prepared to sell the rights to that pic for... ooh eight or nine thousand pounds. But nothing. Not a flicker.

Ori has a good Heap pic over at bearded ladies

james henry said...

And no, nobody took the slightest bit of interest. It was near the hospital where they film (no names no whatnot) so I think everyone had, you know, stuff to do.

Anonymous said...

Bloody brilliant!

I love Guyball!

Furious Lord G and the Cockfield Dancers said...

Furious Lord G here,

like the pics, Here's the scoop@ Me and my cock-field dancers would like to issue a challenge to you and yours, to one match of Guy-Ball and some drinkies after!

We are the current Irish Premier League Guy-Ball Champions, what say you???

the only problems we may encounter are that we are in ireland and sponsorship to fund an expedition is at an all time low... anyway sure get back and some fun will be had

james henry said...

Let's wait and see if that Olympic recognition thing comes through, shall we?....

Furious Lord G said...

i can smell the fear from here...

james henry said...

You're not wrong.

Furious Lord G said...

Well seen as my efforts to a challenge match have been brutally cut down. Myself and the Cockfield Dancers would like to issue an open invite to any Guy-Ball team out there willing to challenge us, else we shall have to declare ourselves the champions of the universe and kings of the impossible (and yes flash does play on our team before you ask)

Seriously folks and Irish people for a match, weare willing to travel.

james henry said...

Good luck to you, O Irish players of the 'ball.

I'd join in myself, if it wasn't for this terrible tendon injury I picked up in the first Gulf War...

Happy Bunny said...

What larks! I'm especially impressed at the tactics you tried during the game... and what good Maison results! Sounds fierce. My team is currently training for the big match-- I'm perfecting my cleft mitten display as we speak. Any tips you can give?