This post is being transcribed by my assistant Alicia*, as I picked up a couple of sporting injuries (pulled shoulder muscle, stiff neck, some knee-based grass stains) playing The Sport Of Kings this weekend. Can't go into details at this juncture, but topmilers were involved, and stickles were random.
Of course I left my cleft mitten in the team coach, like a fool, and there was no time to go back, but fortunately a French team were in the vicinity, and they let me borrow theirs between bouts. Not a perfect fit (the French have very small hands as a rule), and a little sweaty, but it had to do. First half very good, dropped a maison in the second, everything left to play for in the third, and then Vic pulled a spectacular Brenda Blethyn out of the bag at the last moment, freeing up the stickles a treat. One or two moans from the opposition, but that's all to be expected. And to their credit, Oliver Chris ran a beautifully-laundered nine-hand undermiler, the likes of which haven't been seen since the early days of Marcus Geisler**, only to come a cropper when he was ruled just a couple of inches over the sneddon.
The thing about Guyball it that it's really about mental strength rather than physical strength, or dexterity. Although I am dextrous. And physically very strong, so it would have been odd if we hadn't won. And we did win. End of play: eight maison to four, none of them looped. And that ain't bad.
* She's twenty four, Ruritanian, and quite beautiful. I originally hired her as a nanny, but it became increasingly and uncomfortably obvious that I didn't have any children, as such. But it seemed a shame to let her go.
**The Big Austrian.
27 comments:
Blimey.
Were burrow tactics and/or hedgehogs allowed?* And, for that matter, did any tail-whipping take place?
*Can you say 'bidden' as an opposite of 'fobidden'? Because I did here, and then decided that couldn't be right.
Burow tactics yes, tail-whipping no. Nobody wants a repeat of the Gstaat incident. But people were hedgehogging every which way, especially Heap, who has a natural affinity for the manoevre, although my guess is he paid for it in the morning.
The scandal!
*Thunderous applause*
I knew that, in a parallel universe, Guyball really did exist.
Do I spot Fay and Julian in the hedgehog, and Rob performing a very nifty heist?
Indeed you did - click on the pics for more play-by-play details, and kudos on correct use of terminology.
Who and what is going on behind Julian? I'm hoping that backside and that topmiler belong to the same person, otherwise I fear one team were performing a Sideways Prone Stickle-Tamper when nobody was looking and the game may be null.
Crikey, I have no hope whatsoever of understanding that post...it was amusing however....I guess I'm just living in the wrong country/subculture.
I'm surprised to hear that - the Antipodes have turned out some fine Guyballers over the years. One thinks automically of Sean 'Double Flap' Horowitz of course, but L.P. Alabaster's contribution to the game must never be underestimated.
And Orb, if you look carefully, you'll see that the topmiler just behind Julian is just an inch behind the stickle boundary, rendering any SPSTs null and void. Well spotted though.
Question on heist picture - is that stone thing some kind of ancient Guyball scoring apparatus, or did it just happen to be there?
Seriously, I really want to play Guyball now. I even have a bin the right size.
It's entirely possible that we were filming. And the stone thing was there already, but is clearly some kind of Neolithic Guyball post.
If everyone starts now, we could have a team for the 2012 Olympics, although we'd have to share space with the robot wrestling and personal jetpack racing squads I think.
Hahaha that's so funny, I love the picture. Most of the tactics employed there seem to be either standing quite still, or distracting other players with funny poses haha.
Why on earth not?
Yeah, what else are year 7's good for? :p
I think the Guyball episode is the one I missed, but I've strived to learn it secondhand.
Lauren, you're right. Those topmilers wouldn't be allowed at schools or county level, never mind international standard. But when you think that a proper Hudson & Black topmiler can cost upwards of £800, then it's obvious that some corners had to be cut. Even the horrid Nike ones are £300 plus...
Incidentally, I think I'm right in saying that the backside that Orb identified actually belongs to Michelle Gomez.
Mmm, reading this again, was the team coach you left your mitten in a person or a vehicle? And I always heard it as 'borough tactics', but another rabbit reference was on the cards I suppose.
We'll have none of that sexy talk in Guyball, thank you.
Why do the words "Mornington Crescent" keep floating through my head...
Oh my god! It's a bad picture of JRT! He's wearing a horrid baggy jumper! Incredible. But thank you very much for those pictures. Did people stop and stare?
I was fully prepared to sell the rights to that pic for... ooh eight or nine thousand pounds. But nothing. Not a flicker.
Ori has a good Heap pic over at bearded ladies
And no, nobody took the slightest bit of interest. It was near the hospital where they film (no names no whatnot) so I think everyone had, you know, stuff to do.
Bloody brilliant!
I love Guyball!
Furious Lord G here,
like the pics, Here's the scoop@ Me and my cock-field dancers would like to issue a challenge to you and yours, to one match of Guy-Ball and some drinkies after!
We are the current Irish Premier League Guy-Ball Champions, what say you???
the only problems we may encounter are that we are in ireland and sponsorship to fund an expedition is at an all time low... anyway sure get back and some fun will be had
Let's wait and see if that Olympic recognition thing comes through, shall we?....
i can smell the fear from here...
You're not wrong.
Well seen as my efforts to a challenge match have been brutally cut down. Myself and the Cockfield Dancers would like to issue an open invite to any Guy-Ball team out there willing to challenge us, else we shall have to declare ourselves the champions of the universe and kings of the impossible (and yes flash does play on our team before you ask)
Seriously folks and Irish people for a match, weare willing to travel.
Good luck to you, O Irish players of the 'ball.
I'd join in myself, if it wasn't for this terrible tendon injury I picked up in the first Gulf War...
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