CONTAINS HIGH DRAMA

Because my parents are SELFISHLY away on holiday, I find myself looking after two small children for the whole of Tuesday. On closer inspection, both chidren turn out to be mine, which rules out putting them on ebay, small wicker basket down the river Fal river etc.

Instead, I drive to Kimberley park, which is a good park, and park the car right next to the park (Editor's not: too many 'parks' please amend before publishing).

Heaving both children into double pram, I put my keys into my fleece pocket temporarily, which turns out to be more temporary than I anticipated when they slither out and straight down a drain.

'Ooooooh! says the Girl One interestedly.

I DO NOT PANIC, because on closer examination, the keys are just within arms' length. Although sadly, the grille is too narrow for me to get my big calloused writer's hand through, and the Girl One's head is too big for me lower her down, then meet me where the drain meets the sea. I actually did consider this.

I STILL DO NOT PANIC. Instead, I walk calmly to the garage round the corner, procure from them a piece of wire, return to the drain, fashion end of wire into hook, retrieve keys, return wire to garage, give them a sum of money equivalent to a working class 'pint, and continue calmly on my way.

Conclusion: I AM BATMAN.