Monday, December 17, 2007

Not quite sure about the tone of this one

Even before my screenplay for Hero Trip first burst upon the film-making world like a flaming papery meteor, I had always known that the world of telly was simply too small to contain my ambitions, my dreams, my vision.

It's hard to quantify just how much bigger and more important film is than television, unless you work out exactly how many times the average dur-box (as those of us unfortunate to have been shackled to the industry for long enough must call it) fits into the average cinema screen, in which case film is approximately three hundred and umpty two times better than television**, a fact easily backed up by scientists saying things like 'Well it just is'. And most television is just, what, people striding about solving crimes? Pah. See also 'Cuh.

Some may think it unfortunate that such a throbbingly vital piece of word-art (is there a screen truly big enough to contain such majesty?) was sent out to The Americanian States just in time for the Writers Guild of Americania to go all strikey, but not I. In fact I can now reveal that the WGA asked me specifically to release the beast as such a crucial time - knowing that to have such a work left stranded and voidy by the Networks' refusal to simply 'stop being silly' would leave them with little choice but to conclude the strike as amicably and quickly as possible. Rumours that the networks caved the second HT landed on their desks, and that fake negotiations are continuing only to let that stupid Caveman sitcom just blimmin' die already are, I can also reveal, totally true.

In the meantime however, the film rewrite offers are coming in, only confirming my suspicions that the television big enough to contain me has simply never been built. I will remain fond of that part of my past, of course I will, and I must be careful not to openly snub my less fortunate colleague who remain shackled to the shit-cube, but at the end of the day, I think we all know I was destined for greater things.

I phone a film producer, just like that, wondering briefly if I should have a separate phone for my new film producer chums, something that would twinkle prettily on the red carpet and stand its own when I'm hanging out with Olly Kurosawa and Nev Bergman and that other one. Film Producer mentions the amount of money he has available in his budget for a rewrite. It is less than half the amount I received the previous week for a script polish on a televison pilot about a team of people who stride about solving crimes.

I've always been passionate about television.


nanga parbat said...

You're a proper soulless capitalist lackey-whore!

I'm so proud!

*wells up a bit*

cello said...

Are you just checking that I'm still reading regularly?

You need to get yourselves a 52" plasma telly and then the size of screen ratios would be a bit more favourable to TV.

Of course, if you were to use time spent watching, broadcast TV gets about 100 hours a month per person compared to cinema of under 2 hours. Both are averages, it goes without saying, and we all know people, including ourselves, where those numbers are different.

Online telly would add about 12 minutes a month on average, mostly made up by you and Patch watching gazillions of hours on behalf of the whole population.

I totally agree that the ratio of shit to quality is not in TV's favour, though my shit (Battlestar Galactica) will be very different from yours (I'm a Celebrity...). But the answer is for you to get stuck in and write more for telly.

james henry said...

I should point out that I wasn't being entirely serious about film being inherently better than telly, it's just that I assumed it would pay more money, which in the UK at least, isn't true.

The ratio of shit to good stuff is, I reckon, very slightly in telly's favour, if anything.

And I'm currently waiting to hear back about something that might see me stuck in as never before. It rhymes with 'Schmornish Teen Drama' project. Or of course, it might completely crash and burn, who knows.

Don't worry cells, I love telly really - that's why I get so cross about it when it fails to live up to my high expectations.

Robin Kelly said...

Cello, the original Battlestar Galactica might have been shit but there's a new version out which is brilliant! Give it a go!

james henry said...

Robin: I've tried this, and she's not going for it.

Anonymous said...

"the original Battlestar Galactica might have been shit"

What?! WHAAAT?!