Monday, October 31, 2005

Not sponsored by anyone.

In case anyone read Tess Alp's Guardian article and had visions of me reclining on an enormous Lego throne, blowing my nose on first edition Wodehouses supplied by foxy Amazon ladies, any plugs here are purely enthusiasm-based. Also, that would be a weird vision to have, frankly. Get some fresh air or something.

UPDATE: Interesting interview with Arthur Mathews, in which he talks about The Day Today, Father Ted, Big Train, and the vastly-underrated Hippies.

EQUALLY RANDOM UPDATE: U2 (ish) sing 'Heads, Shoulders, Knees and Toes'

AND ANOTHER: Truly excellent song by Jeremy Warmsley gets an excellent video.

If you've ever seen a taxi rank doing that weird shuffling 'move forward a foot at a time' thing when the car at the front has gone and wondered what would happen if the participants got their timing a little off, I can now tell you, having witnessed such a glorious occurrence this weekend on the Moor (Falmouth's town centre).

1. A loud crunching sound as the front bumper of Taxi 5 encounters the rear bumper of Taxi 4.
2. Taxi Driver 4 (burly middle-aged man) leaps out of his car.
3. Taxi Driver 5 (burly middle-aged man) leaps out of his car.

But then, as if to remind me why I live in Cornwall:

4. Taxi Driver 4 adopts the stance (including side-to-side head-bobbing motions) of a Latino woman from a film, and wags a finger in the air, chanting 'Oh no you di'nt!'.
5. Taxi Driver 5 shrieks with embarrassment and mock-anguish, flapping one hand in the style of the deceased Larry Grayson, and clapping the other one over his mouth in exaggerated horror.
6. Both participants scream with delight, eventually collapsing into each others arms in hooting, weeping laughter, wiping tears from eyes.

Almost as cheering as when, many years ago, a stout Cornish policeman told a friend of mine, then responsible for a one-man Falmouth-based crime spree, that if he had to fill in any more forms due to this person's idiocy, he (the policeman) would take him (the wannabe crim) "round the back of the station, and smash 'ee up." The tone of regret and concern in said policeman's voice and manner had just as much of an impact as the threat itself, and the aforementioned childish buffoon quickly mended his ways and now works for a respected publishing company.

Happy endings all round.

15 comments:

Steve Dix said...

Do you mean foxy Amazonian ladies, or have you got a "preferred customer/Premium Service" account at Amazon?

james henry said...

Ooh, deliveries by actual Amazons. I'd stay in even more than I do now. Sadly, Amazon-the-service knows me only as 'that bloke'. But one day, one day...

Merkin said...

Last time (August 05, I'm ashamed to say) I was in Falmouth's premier nightspot - Shades - it seemed to have its fair share of Amazonian women, James. Oh, and 15 year old boys necking alcopops.

Although, reports from a friend of mine are that as of 2 days ago (Saturday) the Amazonian clientele appear to have let themselves go a bit and ... ahem .. filled out somewhat.

HAHA - Word Verification - offdj! What is often shouted in divey subterranean nightclubs....

cello said...

Of course, strictly speaking, Amazonian women would be missing their right breasts. Is that what you had in mind, James? I applaud you if so. I know 'the popular prejudice runs in favour of two' as Dickens said, but there's far too much breastism around.

And I love that word 'stout'. Do you get any other type of Cornish policeman?

Paula said...

"Amazonian women would be missing their right breasts" How do you lose something like that?

Also whenever I drive in to the back of someone I never end up having a laugh with them. I usually get berated for being a female who dares to drive and end up feeling like a small, naughty child...

Ridiculous word verification of igyxijki

Paula said...

Feel that I should point out that I do not make a habit of driving in to the back of people just to see what their reaction will be. However may now take that up as a study in to human behavior...

james henry said...

How a person reacts after being driven into is a test of character, I'm sure. Try it today.

Further varieties of Cornish policemen: sagacious, phlegmatic, stoic. And that's just Constable Trout, with whom I play D&D (true).

I'm not sure about the Amazonion boob thing. I think they just strapped them down. After work, they can be released to jiggle freely.

Loganoc said...

Blimey, I can't believe you've linked to Jeremy Warmsley! I know him from Uni and I never really believed he was going to be famous but now he's in NME and even in your blog! He's bloody good though (and very cute).

james henry said...

He is indeed bloody good, and I would very much like him and this song to bestride the pop charts like a bespectacled colossus.

I like the fact that he looks quite Jeremy-ish. Clearly he has thought his branding through very carefully.

patroclus said...

James, are you sure you aren't mixing up the Amazons with Carrie Fisher in Star Wars?

Paula said...

Amazons don't wear buns on their heads. Probably. Although if you believe shows like Xena, they only wear leather & metal and battle evil gods...

Marsha Klein said...

You can tell that U2(ish) video isn't real - George W got everything in the right order, every time - I mean, come on!

Re. right breast removal/strapping down - wasn't this to enhance their archery skills in battle?

james henry said...

Indeed. Early battles by the Amazons apparently giving forth to a spectacular volley of arrows, almost immediately followed by much wincing in pain accompanied by mass shouting of 'Ooh bloody hell/Didn't think this through/Gosh that smarts/My jubblies!' and so forth.

Probably also shouted my word verif thing, which is "yssybcqw'. Imagine it said in a mixture of surprise and extreme pain.

Dancinfairy said...

This is why I miss living in Cornwall, if that happened in Brighton the headline on the newspaper the next day would probably have been 'Taxi driver murdered after bump up the backside' or something!

Paula said...

I am currently in Australia and have never lived in Cornwall how ever this blog makes me miss it also...