Thursday, October 06, 2005

Breaking cover for the crocodile thing

My faith in human nature, always somewhat shaky at the best of times, has been further weakened by the discovery of a small crocodile in a Cornish lake.

Not because someone clearly thought their pet newt was getting suspiciously large and toothy and wanted to give it freedom and as many swans as it could eat: I find this eminently laudible, and swans scare me. The alternative was probably ending up as a handbag.

What upset me was that the woman who reported this to the media said that she saw what she first took be a log floating in the lake, which then went on to wink at her, so she 'chucked a stone at it, and it vanished'.

Now, mundane existence is called that for a reason. It really is, on the whole, unutterably dull. So when one's attention is caught by a winking log, here, may I be so bold to suggest, are a few of one's options.

1. Loud and sustained applause.
2. Saying to oneself 'Wheeee! I appear to be in some kind of cartoon!' and testing that suppostion by trying to make portable holes, painting railway tunnels on the side of walls and seeing if trains then enter with no danger and so on.
3. Finding the nearest group of loud, feral teenagers and crying 'Lads! A rumour abounds that last night a six-pack of cheap cider fell from an overhead aeroplane and dropped, kerplunk, into the centre of the lake. Being teetotal myself, I have no desire to appley alcoholic drinks, but I do like a tidy lake, so ten pounds to the first of you scamps who gets to the centre of the lake and sort of... splashes about a bit. That's it sir, Oh, I'm sorry miss. Either way, just reach around with your hands, nice and flappy-like...'

Not chucking a half brick at it. Just because she had a baby on her, which by the way, was in a pram, and so unlikely to be in any real danger. And even if it was, the advantage of having just one single crocodile in Cornwall far outweighs the cost of yet another pink bag of shite.


Cabinet going well, nearly finished (may spill over into next week, but just tidying really. Toy-fu back soonish (apologies all those people sent here by the now-sadly-defunct Observer blog just as I'd decided to give it a break to get the book finished).

Back Sundayish.

10 comments:

Stef the engineer said...

A lady who is obviously attractive to crocodiles. They don't wink at just anyone, y'know.

Marsha Klein said...

I am also scared of swans ever since I read as a child that they could BREAK YOUR ARM! (possibly by forcing you into some sort of feathery half-nelson) I am, anyway, suspicious of any animal which looks too superior.

patroclus said...

Yes, it's about time there was a cargo cult in the south-west of England.

And if I was being very pedantic, I'd point out that "mundane existence" means "worldly existence" and that therefore what James is proposing is a set of possible otherworldly existences, which is quite right.

Sorry if this doesn't make any sense; it's been a tough week.

jk said...

I was terrified of swans after seeing Matthew Bourne's Swan Lake. Has anyone seen it? Because those are some seriously scary swans...

Paula said...

Anyone see the news about the battle between the python and the aligator in Florida? So far as I can tell it was a draw as the python ended up with out a head and the aligator ended up eaten but sticking out of the pythons ruptured gut.

Not to sure why I felt that linked...

Mummy/Crit said...

No, it surely linked. I thought of it too. My 'urban legend alarm' is deafening me regarding the croc in the lake...like the Surrey puma perhaps...James, you got backup on this one?

Maud said...

I saw the Bourne Swan Lake. Wasn't it wonderful? And funny? And sexy?

cello said...

You are uncharacteristically misanthropic today, James. You seem to be recommending the wholesale slaughter of feral youths and babies. Fair enough, actually.

Bay at the moon. said...

Sort of relevant to your Cornish croc story:

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/americas/4313978.stm

http://abum.com/show/3364/tiger_vs_alligator.wmv

Bay at the moon. said...

Oops, sorry, Paula. Didn't realize you'd already gone there!