Thursday, November 11, 2010

LOSE WIGHT* NOW, ASK ME HOW

I'm up in London for a ton of meetings. At my hotel, it turns out it's slightly too early to check in to my room, but much too early for my first meeting, so I bimble back to Paddington station to get a coffee.

On the way, a lady gives me a card advertising a thing of some kind. I put the card in my pocket, and as I do so, feel my wedding ring fall off my finger.

Hmm. I put my ring back on, and it falls off again. Hurrah, I have lost weight! I put the ring in my wallet to keep it safe, and three seconds later I am struck by a TERRIBLE FEAR and phone Patroclus.

ME: Hello hello, you know how every time I go to London I have some sort of exciting battle against ninjas, or my building gets taken over by terrorists like in Die Hard, or I'm very nearly taken out by snipers BECAUSE I KNOW TOO MUCH (the unlikeliest scenario), but each time I just make it back in one piece?
PATROCLUS: Sure.
ME: Well if I don't make it back this time, and the authorities find my wedding ring in my wallet, I didn't take it off because I was having an affair or owt, it's just that it kept sliding off of its own accord, so I've put it in my wallet for safe keeping.

Patrocus is reassured by my explanation, and does a very good impression of someone to whom the possibility of her sexy and newly-svelte husband even having an affair had never even occurred (I wrote that last sentence three times and it still looks wrong). Anyway, to some, this could sound like DANGEROUS COMPLACENCY, especially considering my photographic recall of various editions of the Dungeons and Dragons Monster Manual, that shiz is like catnip for sexy London ladies, don't pretend it isn't. But nevermind, I have set Patroclus's mind at rest, I know how she worries. Or would worry if I ended up as the mysterious corpse in a CSI-style slightly rubbish show, being poked about by handsome forensic scientists who need to put all the pieces together (not my pieces, it's too late for that).

After the call I put my hand back in my pocket and remember the card, Taking it out, it turns out to be an advert for some sort of Tantric Sex facility, located only five minutes from Paddington Station.

I ABSOLUTELY DID THE RIGHT THING.

I won't give out the exact address of the Tantric Sex place, as some of my blog readers may not have the impressive powers of self-control that I do (it was lovely font, I really wanted to go and ask them about it), or the ability to recite monsters from the Monster Manual until all the Tantric Sex ladies stop bothering me and just answer my font questions.

Maybe I didn't lose weight though. Maybe it's just a bit cold, and my fingers have gone a bit withery, like a lich's (MM1 4th ed. p176).

Later I have my first meeting, at which I display my customary high levels of energy, lighting up the room. Afterwards:

PRODUCER: You seem a bit tired, do you want a lie down? Also you look gaunt.

'GAUNT'! I HAVE LOST WEIGHT! I bet they have scales in that Tantric Sex place, I did think of going and asking, but I worried I might run into Sting, so have chosen not to, the end.



* a 'wight' (MM 4th ed p.262) is a kind of undead monster, akin to, but not exactly the same as, the lich.

7 comments:

Vicus Scurra said...

This kind of anxiety often afflicts you quaint country folk when entering the larger cities. Take deep breaths and remember that all of the population are deranged, but not in a dangerous way (mostly).

extemporanea said...

This post made me very happy: I am not a sexy London lady, but ability to recite bits from the Monster Manual has, indeed, always been like catnip to me. I was never much one for lichs or wights, but my first character ever was nearly killed by ghouls in her first combat ever, so there's still a frisson. (Since then I take pot shots with a longbow from the back of the party).

Has it occurred to you, however, with all this mention of wights and rings changing size, that you may accidentally have ended up with the One Ring? Fortunately in these decadent days the nearest volcano is probably on a RyanAir route.

Dave said...

But if it's an active volcano, all flights will be grounded, so you will have to walk. Stephen Fry (from Norfolk) recommends walking as a way of losing weight.

Matt said...

I'm suddenly very relieved that I have the Solent between me and the Isle of Wight. But it does explain a lot.

Oh, god, what if they learn to use the hovercraft?!

[all fears instantly forgotten on seeing my word varification has 'arse' in it]

Jayne said...

What extemporanea said (except I was killed on my first outing by a dungeon master who I'd rejected and who took his wrath out on my character by drowning her in a pit - bastard).

Anyway, be careful in London - there are many liches disguised as Nubile Young Ladies who ensnare the unwary tourist (or naive yokel) with promises of tantric sex and hummus.

PS Am currently on hols and watching Green Wing DVDs for the first time since I first got them. I am extremely reluctant to be nice but god, it's funny. The only problem is that I forgot to bring the Special so have bought on itunes (I know I've got it at home but I just can't wait another week for the pay off). The hotel wifi is so slow it says it's going to take 107 hours to download so I might just get to watch before my flight home NEXT FRIDAY.
Arggh.


PPS This is especially irritating as I've managed to not pack the first disks for the two series I've got that I haven't watched before and am faced with the prospect of either a. starting at episode 4 and hoping I'll catch up or b. watching Egyptian telly.

PPPS Trow was part of my WV. Hmmm

james henry said...

Coo, even Blogger plays D&D apparently. It's the new five-a-side you know (it isn't).

Jayne, hopefully the special will pop up on Egyptian telly, if you wait long enough.

I wonder if it is the ONE RING? Patroclus has the same kind, although a bit smaller, and it's quite hard to tell, as we never round to getting them watermarked, which I think legally has to say if your wedding rings are Sauronic in nature.

Valerie said...

My husband has actually asked if he could have the ONE RING as his wedding ring. I told him no, and to this day he hasn't got a wedding ring. I guess it's his "precious" or nothin'. Suppose I can't blame him really.

I suppose if you had the ONE RING it would be rather inconvenient if it fell off in the middle of an orgy at the Tantric Sex place. I mean, possibly they wouldn't have realized it was an orgy until that moment.