Saturday, October 01, 2005


Right, I'm off to combat the terrifying carnivorous seagulls of St. Ives* with one hand, while I try and finish the book with the other. Behave yourselves. I don't want muddly footprints*** all over my site when I get back.

* In D&D terms, a monster with a Challenge Rating of 4, Attacks: beak +6, flappy feet +3 and a ranged area effect weapon you really don't want to be on the wrong end of, even if it is supposed to be lucky. Also has skills: Sense Pasty** and, Mob Tourist. Varient 5 hit dice Dire Seagull with Carry Off Small Child rumoured to exist, as yet only a rumour.

** That was originally misspelled as Sense Past, which gave the nice image of a seagull constantly experiencing other people's flashbacks, like being trapped in one of the duller episodes of Lost.

*** Another spelling mistake, to be honest. But yes, somehow once again more evocative and interesting than what I actually meant. Humbling.


Kell said...

QUOTE: Varient 5 hit dice Dire Seagull with Carry Off Small Child rumoured to exist, as yet only a rumour.

That variant is known as the Aberdeen Seagull - a beast of abnormally large size which lives on a diet of fish - but only the deep-fried kind - & lists thuggery & dive bombing as major skills.

Anonymous said...

Please note also the Dover seagulls; highly sophisticated birds which form gangs and hijack van-loads of duty-free fags off the ferries.
Their alleged involvement in illegal immigration is as yet unconfirmed, but police are "keeping an open mind".

Anonymous said...

Seagulls should be tagged like ducks and wild birds. In that case each and every seagull in St.Ives can have it's very own police record and criminal number.

Matt said...

In Stafford all the seagulls seem to congregate in the Asda car park. they stand in groups and stare at you in a way that suggests that as soon as you look away they've put that cigarette they were hiding back in thier beak and replaced their burbury caps and/or hoods.

im not even sure WHY Stafford has seagulls because its nowhere near the coast....

Anonymous said...

I know the Gulls of Snives well. In words from Monty Python's Quest for the Holy Grail (slightly adapted) - "That's no ordinary seagull! They've got sharp, pointy teeth...". They also hunt in gangs.

One sunny day I was sitting in a park in St Ives, minding my own business eating a pasty. I placed the pasty down next to me on the bench for a few minutes, and before I knew it, a seagull flew down, nay, divebombed on my pasty. It must have had superseagull powers, as it managed to grab a hold of the crust, and fly away with it.

In front of the bench, the grass slopes sharply downwards, onto a lower terrace, and given little effort, the gull was now a condsiderable distance above the ground.

It dropped the pasty, which of course exploded on the ground into a scatter of meat, onions, potato and swede.

Then out of nowhere, a huge pack of gulls flew down, swarmed over the ex-pasty, and within seconds, there was nothing left. The whole incident lasted less than 30 seconds. Quite unbelievable.

So when James mentions "terrifying carniverous seagulls" in Snives, heed his words!

Anonymous said...

Matt, I think seagulls (despite their name) aren't sea-birds in the true sense which is why you find them inshore. Edinburgh city centre is full of them, living off discarded fish/scotch pie suppers (just like their Aberdonian cousins, Kell) - the "rats of the sea" indeed!

Can I also just say that I LOVE the idea of "muddly footprints" - it conjures up such an endearing image of a slightly confused, bumbling character.

Occasional Poster of Comments said...

ASDA have had quite a problem with this. It seems that in the seagull world ASDA is the recognised abbreviation for All Seagull Dining Area. This is a particular problem for the Stafford branch as, being in the middle of the country, it's a very convenient stopping off point between the east and west coasts - kind of a giant seagull service station. There's probably a good gag involving petrels in there somewhere, if I could be bothered. Well, perhaps not a "good" gag...

Occasional Poster of Comments said...

I rather liked Matt's idea of seagulls turning into burberry clad thugs when you turn your back, but now I can't help imagining the reverse (kind of). I imagine provoking a member of the local thuggery and hearing as I nonchalantly turn my back,

"Oi! Don't you turn your back on... shreeeeeee...caw, caw, caw!"

which I believe is seagull for,

"Oh no, not the back thing! We're powerless against that. How did he know? It's a life of scavenging for scraps in Asda car park for me then, I suppose."

A very economical language is seagull. Sadly, I'd never get to see the deliciously baffled expression that I imagine would contort his features as the transformation began. Unless I used a mirror, perhaps, but then maybe it wouldn't work if I could still see him... hang on, this is my imagination, I'll do what I like [satisfied chuckles].

Kelly said...

Growing up in Snerth (couple of miles from Snives) I know those seagulls (or should I say bird friends of the devil) only too well.

So far in my short life (27 years) I have been attacked and had food stolen from my hands a grand total of 6 times.

What I hate the most is the silly holiday makers who feed the bloody things one minute then scream and shout when they try to steal the food from their children. We used to go round telling them it was illegal and they could get arrested. Juvenille perhaps but how else do you spend your lunch break when you work somewhere like Snives! (apart from eating inside!)

Anonymous said...

The cafe (Porthleven?)is nice, and I like the wee portions of vinegar and tartare sauce it gives you in shot glasses.

patroclus said...

There's a B&B in Porthleven that boasts The Most Comfortable Bed In The Western Hemisphere.

Hmm, not only am I repeating myself, but I also appear to have strayed somewhat from the topic at hand. Sorry about that.

Anonymous said...

'sup with toy fu?