tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10831518.post7495831777850473539..comments2023-08-17T11:47:11.821+01:00Comments on James and the Blue Cat: Patroclus and I attend our first ante-natal class.James Henryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16604261370633794445noreply@blogger.comBlogger25125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10831518.post-32362432830802637512008-08-21T16:02:00.000+01:002008-08-21T16:02:00.000+01:00Don't worry, even if you do have a hideous baby, y...Don't worry, even if you do have a hideous baby, you won't know. Parents can never tell.Maudhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03905544028303779591noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10831518.post-47082460388177664052008-07-14T11:32:00.000+01:002008-07-14T11:32:00.000+01:00"They may not eiderdown, but they duvet.""They may not eiderdown, but they duvet."Bozhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02065257907482952779noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10831518.post-82994893390070236162008-07-14T08:40:00.000+01:002008-07-14T08:40:00.000+01:00Put all your breakables on tall shelves, hide the ...Put all your breakables on tall shelves, hide the remote controls, they don't work when they're covered in dribble. Stock up on After Eights, they're good for keeping you awake after 2 hours sleep. And don't worry, the ugliest babies grow up into the best-looking kids!Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10831518.post-62126697082156687792008-07-11T16:31:00.000+01:002008-07-11T16:31:00.000+01:00soon the soothing lady will start calling you and ...soon the soothing lady will start calling you and patroclus 'dad' and 'mum'. most disturbing!<BR/>we ate nothing but pizza for the first ... ooh ... twelve years.<BR/><BR/>(btw - that poem, the larkin - it was a misprint. it's supposed to read: 'they tuck you up, your mum and dad')Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10831518.post-4053129587613482322008-07-11T14:47:00.000+01:002008-07-11T14:47:00.000+01:00My friend's parents told her they'd been visiting ...My friend's parents told her they'd been visiting someone in hospital and on the way out were shown a baby that was so ugly nobody wanted her. So they bought her home out of pity.<BR/><BR/>Yup, they fuck you up...Jaynehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09821105000840199542noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10831518.post-34277290917368797232008-07-10T21:50:00.000+01:002008-07-10T21:50:00.000+01:00Don't worry, if Baby is really, really ugly, just ...Don't worry, if Baby is really, really ugly, just swap name tags with a more attractive one. No-one will ever know. Mwhahaha.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10831518.post-88661894425517086902008-07-09T18:23:00.000+01:002008-07-09T18:23:00.000+01:00Seriously don't even think about singing to your b...Seriously don't even think about singing to your baby out in public, you will only attract the 'earth mother brigade' and all normal parents who haven't let sprog take over their entire lives will avoid you like the plague.<BR/><BR/>I can remember at one of only two anti-natal classes I ever attended, desperately hiding in the background when the highly charged subject of breast v bottle came up. All three of mine have survived on Aptamil powder and they seem to be sane!Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10831518.post-64270177332701026042008-07-08T22:49:00.000+01:002008-07-08T22:49:00.000+01:00At some point the nice lady will pick up a biro an...At some point the nice lady will pick up a biro and place a finger down a fifth of its length, and she will smile and say: "This is 9 centimetres." The women will then turn pale, and the men will thank God/Allah/Steve that they are actually men and not women.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10831518.post-74806315954093879792008-07-08T21:32:00.000+01:002008-07-08T21:32:00.000+01:00I've spent a number of years working on my own pre...I've spent a number of years working on my own pregancy sympathy belly thanks. Just didn't know what to call it before.James Henryhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16604261370633794445noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10831518.post-87063668121827797242008-07-08T20:40:00.000+01:002008-07-08T20:40:00.000+01:00I've somehow managed to convince myself that it wo...I've somehow managed to convince myself that it won't be *that* different from owning a cat.<BR/><BR/>I may be in for a bit of a shock.patroclushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01933476561340044351noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10831518.post-53318786157682301282008-07-08T20:36:00.000+01:002008-07-08T20:36:00.000+01:00Have they taught you how to breathe yet? My mum h...Have they taught you how to breathe yet? My mum had been breathing successfully for 30 years without any special traingin, but they still wanted to teach her how to breathe.<BR/><BR/>And will you get to wear a sympathy pregnancy belly?llewtrahhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06056744147599140057noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10831518.post-7939134345192452902008-07-08T20:11:00.000+01:002008-07-08T20:11:00.000+01:00The big goalkeeper would like his hands back, plea...The big goalkeeper would like his hands back, please.Fat Rolandhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11374906684948810408noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10831518.post-49780673862287406682008-07-08T19:26:00.000+01:002008-07-08T19:26:00.000+01:00Great things about parenting: You can dance reall...Great things about parenting: You can dance really badly at any time, including the supermarket queue, and blame the kiddies need for entertainment.<BR/>Handy hint: Don't bother freezing lots of meals 'for speedy refuelling when Baby is asleep'. I fell for that one - by the time it's defrosted Baby will be awake again.chatterboxhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09918680040623774808noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10831518.post-90719947234365753252008-07-08T19:04:00.000+01:002008-07-08T19:04:00.000+01:00Just practice making lots of sandwiches. And keep...Just practice making lots of sandwiches. And keep well away from the Reservoir Dogs end of proceedings.<BR/><BR/>Later on, they'll tell you to write a birth plan, and to collect your favourite CDs for labour and buy various massaging substances just so they can piss themselves laughing when you stagger in to the Maternity Ward with all these things.cellohttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17061833787120469657noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10831518.post-52462170777869479832008-07-08T13:59:00.000+01:002008-07-08T13:59:00.000+01:00*to be thankful _for is_...*to be thankful _for is_...the triple Thttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04714264073912276276noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10831518.post-86505660628600128192008-07-08T13:58:00.000+01:002008-07-08T13:58:00.000+01:00The thing to be thankful that your last name isn't...The thing to be thankful that your last name isn't Gosselin: http://tlc.discovery.com/tv/jon-and-kate/jon-and-kate.html. (I have no idea if they have this show over there.)the triple Thttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04714264073912276276noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10831518.post-91647025130519513542008-07-08T12:59:00.000+01:002008-07-08T12:59:00.000+01:00A "Nipple inverter"???*wonders what his nipples wo...A "Nipple inverter"???<BR/><BR/>*wonders what his nipples would look like upside down*Bozhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02065257907482952779noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10831518.post-87569744349829325062008-07-08T12:54:00.000+01:002008-07-08T12:54:00.000+01:00That reminds me of that brilliant episode of Coupl...That reminds me of that brilliant episode of Coupling, when they all end up at the ante-natal class.<BR/><BR/>My English wasn't very good when I first watched it and the English 'ante-' sounds exactly like 'anti-' pronounced in German. Five minutes did I spend in slightly disgusted bewilderment until somewhere, mercifully, a penny dropped.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10831518.post-42937485005569439032008-07-08T11:26:00.000+01:002008-07-08T11:26:00.000+01:00Ah, memories..... Have they tried the "and Dad mu...Ah, memories..... Have they tried the "and Dad must eat the placenta afterwards, fried with sage and onions" line? Nearly convinced one Dad - I still laugh about it now.<BR/><BR/>Believe me, there are no benefits to having children. I should know, I have three of the buggers.<BR/><BR/>And yes, sleep. Just sleep as much as you can now. Although I have to say, at the risk of being beaten with an old crusty filled nappy by some sleep deprived soul, mine were great sleepers.<BR/><BR/>Happy days.....Sylviahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12928164168526819245noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10831518.post-42170193490322883822008-07-08T11:13:00.000+01:002008-07-08T11:13:00.000+01:00This reminds me of Jack Dee's complaint that all H...This reminds me of Jack Dee's complaint that all Health Visitors talk like Tonto.<BR/><BR/>Making up songs and singing and chatting to yourself as you go around the house is the business - and with a child about the place you get fewer strange looks while doing it! And, once your child is older, you can replace some of the songs with quotes from your favourite TV shows (shouldn't be a problem!) and the three of you can fall about laughing to the bemusement of all around you. Works for us every time.Unknownhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15842622672253226570noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10831518.post-78498217194111301762008-07-08T10:25:00.000+01:002008-07-08T10:25:00.000+01:00(We're not having a baby, btw. That's just what my...(We're not having a baby, btw. That's just what my fear would be if we were.)<BR/><BR/>(In fact, I haven't got that many Pixies bootlegs, either.)Tim Fhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14681067872556519250noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10831518.post-964839416737760042008-07-08T10:22:00.000+01:002008-07-08T10:22:00.000+01:00Our Fears About Baby...That when we take it to the...Our Fears About Baby...<BR/><BR/>That when we take it to the stone circle at the first full moon, the high priestess tells us it's too ugly to offer as a sacrifice to The Dark One, so I have to give up my collection of Pixies bootlegs instead.Tim Fhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14681067872556519250noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10831518.post-74641901253222560292008-07-08T10:15:00.000+01:002008-07-08T10:15:00.000+01:00Yeah, the gory stuff is next week apparently. I wo...Yeah, the gory stuff is next week apparently. I won't be there, as I have a meeting to go to (and a party - don't look at me like that, Patroclus said it was okay to go).<BR/><BR/>Mmmm, pesto...<BR/><BR/>*has a nap*James Henryhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16604261370633794445noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10831518.post-34628095173268230702008-07-08T10:11:00.000+01:002008-07-08T10:11:00.000+01:00they're breaking you in gently - the plastic uteru...they're breaking you in gently - the plastic uterus and general grimness come later on in the course. Have they started calling you Dad and Mum yet? That's freaky - I kept wondering why my parents had turned up.Smathttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01001981110308457546noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10831518.post-77900980175798154202008-07-08T10:07:00.000+01:002008-07-08T10:07:00.000+01:00They save all the gruesome stuff til later. In my ...They save all the gruesome stuff til later. <BR/><BR/>In my antenatal class they got all the men to change nappies filled with pesto, mustard and marmite (don't worry, you'll understand why before too long) on dolls. It was hilarious. <BR/><BR/>And how we laughed as one chap tried to figure out what the thing he was holding was (a nipple inverter ...)<BR/><BR/>On the "how your life changes when you have a baby" front. Time for a hollow laugh ... no really, it's unbelievably great, honest, but please, I beg you, sleep like you've never slept before, now, while there's still time.Jane Perrone, Horticultural bloghttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07183045617973859404noreply@blogger.com