Friday, December 13, 2013

CONTAINS MASSIVE SPOILERS FOR 'THE HOBBIT: DESOLATION OF SMAUG

Clearly the three Lord of the Rings films are a big series of dungeons and dragons adventures, no-one's going to win any prize for observational comedy for that, Moria being the bit where it all comes together (I lose interest a bit after Moria), but the Hobbit films are equally clearly a load of d&d sessions where everyone's had too much sugary drink and got wayyyyyy over-excited.

DM: Right everyone, I know it's a year since the last session, but let's try and remember where our characters were.

THORIN'S PLAYER: I am in a pub with Gandalf!

GANDALF'S PLAYER: Hang on, we're nowhere near a pub.

DM checks notes.

DM: Argh that was how you first met, should have said that last time, forgot. Now you're on a big rock. Erm, all those orcs from the last session have COME BACK!

EVERYONE: We run!

DM: You meet Beorn, an NPC!

GANDALF'S PLAYER: I know I know, all the dwarves can introduce themselves one at a time. Or two at a time.

DM: You did that last session at Bilbo's house. Let's just say you wake up and he's there.

DM IN BEORN VOICE: Rah I am Beorn, I hate dwarves! Well, hate's a bit strong. I don't like dwarves.

DWARVES: Will you help us?

DM rolls dice.

DM: Sure! Have some ponies.

DWARVES: Hurrah!

DM: YOU ARE ATTACKED BY SPIDERS!

DWARVES: NOOOO!

BILBO: I put on my magic ring!

DM: Oh god WHY DID I GIVE YOU THAT RING? Fine.

DWARVES: We kill all the spiders.

DM: Whatever. You are captured by elves.

DWARVES: WE ARE ALWAYS BEING CAPTURED.

THORIN: Do I have a moody song about being captured?

DM: No.

THORIN: I should have. *sulks*

BILBO'S PLAYER: I put on my magic ring.

DM *sighs*

TAURIEL'S PLAYER: I am here!

KILI'S PLAYER (instantly) I flirt with Tauriel.

DM: DWARVES DON'T FLIRT. You are rubbish at it.

KILI'S PLAYER: I have rolled a 20.

DM: Dammit.

BILBO'S PLAYER: Sorry, back from the loo now, have the guards gone?

DM: I've lost the lead figures, so okay.

DWARVES: We escape in barrels.

DM: Orcs stop you.

LEGOLAS'S PLAYER: And I stop them! Can I stand on two of the dwarves' heads and shoot an orc?

DM: You're an elf. Elves can do ANYTHING. Bombur, you have rolled out of the water, still in your barrel.

BOMBUR'S PLAYER: Does the barrel count as more armour?

DM: No of course it doesn't count as-

BOMBUR'S PLAYER: I PUNCH MY ARMS OUT OF THE BARREL AND KILL ALL THE ORCS!

LEGOLAS'S PLAYER: Can I surf on one orc and run over dwarves and shoot more orcs and stand on more dwarves?

DM: Yes, but that is all your move actions- wait, you have eight more move actions this turn.

LEGOLAS'S PLAYER: YESSSS I AM THE SKILLIANT!

LATER:

DWARVES: Okay, guys we have to kill this dragon. DM, are dragons particularly vulnerable to flame?

DM: *straight face* Of course.

DWARVES: EXCELLENT. What we will do is, lure the dragon to the foundry, create a giant gold statue of a dwarf. This will confuse the dragon, and he will stare at it for a while, then the statue will melt back into gold and cover the dragon and KILL IT.

DM rolls dice. DM: The dragon is covered in molten gold.

DWARVES: YAY! Is it dead?

DM rolls dice.

DM: No. It gets up and flies off.

THORIN'S PLAYER: What can I do?

DM: Did you bring any ranged weapons?

THORIN'S PLAYER: No.

DM: Then you can watch it fly off.

BILBO'S PLAYER: I put on my magic-

DM: GUYS YOU HAVE TO GO HOME I HAVE WORK IN THE MORNING.

THORIN'S PLAYER: Okay fine, when we can meet up for next session?

THORIN'S PLAYER and GANDALF'S PLAYER and BILBO'S PLAYER and LEGOLAS'S PLAYER and TAURIEL'S PLAYER all check their diaries.

EVERYONE: In one year's time.

DM: Well okay, but I'm warning you guys, I'm totally going to have read the rules properly next time.

EVERYONE: LOL

1 comment:

Lauren Woods said...

Quite possibly the most accurate and hilarious description yet of the movie I have ever read. That dragon fight-plan, seriously, what were they thinking...