Wednesday, July 28, 2010

Well it is.

Sitting in local coffee shop with tiny daughture, now nearly two years old, reflecting on the pleasantness of the weather, the fact that the last draft of my cornish crime drama thing has now made its (possibly) final voyage to BBC Commissioning Chap, and generally feeling well-disposed and peaceful towards the world in general.

DAUGHTER: DEATH!

Slight pause.

ME: Hmm?
DAUGHTER: DEATH! DEATH! (pause) DEATH!

Coffee shop manager looks over in an amused-but-also-slightly-concerned sort of way.

DAUGHTER: DEATH!
ME: I think she's actually saying 'EGGS' or something, and it just sounds like 'DEATH'.

DAUGHTER: DEATH!

Another pause.

ME: Well, it's probably time we went to the supermarket.

In the supermarket:

DAUGHTER: SIX SIX SIX! SIX SIX SIX!

Cashier looks at me.

ME: (weakly) It's her favourite number.


IN OTHER NEWS: Orbyn has kindly put up my contribution to her Curious blog

Thursday, July 08, 2010

My Struggles With Sex Addiction (not like that)

I had a call from a large broadcasting company last week (the following conversations are approximate, but thematically accurate).

PRODUCER: We've had an idea for a series, and we think you'd be the perfect person to write for it. We are REALLY excited!
ME: Now I am excited too! What's the idea?
PRODUCER: It's about sex addiction.
ME: Erm.

Later

AGENT MATT: I mean, they have met you, haven't they?
ME: Yes.
AGENT MATT: I still don't understand.
ME: Well, I'm going up for some meetings anyway, so I may as well talk to them about it.

In fact, the more I think about it, the whole sex addiction thing is a really good hook to get a load of different characters together. It might work. I do a few pages on it.

At the meeting before the sex addiction meeting (not like that) I am talking to a different producer.

DIFFERENT PRODUCER: ... they have met you, though?
ME: I know!
DIFFERENT PRODUCER: Who's the producer?
ME: (the name)
DIFFERENT PRODUCER: Wait, isn't she the one with whom you told me you acted out eighteenth century sex against a wall having?

I think about it.

ME: Oh.
DIFFERENT PRODUCER: Yes.
ME: Hmm.
DIFFERENT PRODUCER: By the way, I like your new look. Sort of tweedy.

(I am wearing a proper actual shirt and suit jacket, and my hair has sort of gone a bit short and spiky with gel these days, although it's flopped a bit at the front, so the sides are the spikiest bits, shut up it's a look.

ME: Thank you! I was going for a Doctor Who sort of vibe.
DIFFERENT PRODUCER: Yes, I see that. Kind of... crossed with an owl.
ME: OH MY GOD OWLS ARE SO IN RIGHT NOW.

Later I have a meeting with the sex addiction Producer (not like that). We talk for a while about the concept, and try and figure out how it could work as a series, how you'd go in and out of the different characters' stories. And it's all really working quite well.

PRODUCER: This is really coming together! Why don't you talk with script editor over the next couple of weeks and we'll see about moving this on?
ME: Yes!
PRODUCER: And don't be afraid of making it quite edgy and graphic.
ME: (immediately) Okay, wait, I'm not the right person for this.
PRODUCER: Really?
ME: Mmm.
PRODUCER: You have had sex? I thought you said you had a second child due in six weeks.
ME: Yes. But I'm not actually very good at writing about it. I go all silly.
PRODUCER: Okay, no problem - the other thing I'm doing at the moment is trying to develop some science fiction concepts.
ME: WOOHOO!

All of which goes to show.

Different Producer, by the way, TOTALLY commissioned a pilot script about superheroes for an american channel. On the train on the way back I was all like 'oh hey sorry, I think I got a bit of awesome on you when I brushed past just then, sorry about that' and later when I had to walk down the corridor to get a thing, I was all 'tch, sorry, bit of awesome might have drifted onto your paper just then, not to worry, I have a lot of awesome to spare, what with being LITERALLY covered in awesome right now'. And I haven't even mentioned the Aardman meeting by the way, about which I should say: AMAZING.

However, I always find it a bit annoying when writers blog boring about how INCREDIBLE and COOL their new projects are, but can't say any details other than the INCREDIBLENESS and the COOLNESS, so I'll leave it there.

Friday, July 02, 2010

Friday Night chat show surely beckons

Because I am never afraid to tread in the footsteps of those just slightly ahead of me on the career curve, I have taken Boz's advice and enlisted the Blue Kitten (age: 22 months) to embark upon a Offspring vs Parent interview challenge, a la Moffat vs Moffat. I carefully wrote out a quick ten-page fact sheet for BK, including interesting quotes, career highs (not all Bob The Builder based) and some prompt questions, what I'd take out of a burning house sort of thing (rpg books, lego, family, obviously, if there was time). LET THE INTERVIEW BEGIN!

BK: WAZZAT?
ME: It's a banana.
BK: WAZZAT?
ME: It's a plastic cow.
BK: WAZZAT?
ME: It's me, your dad.
BK: WAZZAT?
ME: It's a shoe.
BK: WAZZAT?
ME: It's your mum.
BK: WAZZAT?
ME: It's your mum again.
BK: WAZZAT?
ME: It's a Spot book.
BK: WAZZAT?
ME: It's the cat.

Long and somewhat thoughtful pause. I quickly take the opportunity to run through some of the difficult and life-changes decisions I have had to make for my career (basically saying 'yes' whenever someone asked if I felt like writing something for money). Finally:

BK: NNNNNNNNNGGGGGGGGG!
ME: (wearily) It's a pooble.
BK: Yes.