French Midsomer Murders: The Tweetening.

For the puzzled: Patroclus and I are in the South of France. We were about to retire for the evening, when Midsomer Murders came on. Dubbed into French.



Midsomer Murders dubbed into French is no less completely mental.

Now Queen of the Bord (Alice Krige) and Doctor Who (Peter Davidson) have turned up! Both now speaking French! This is MENTULE.

'Queen of the Borg' I meant, although Alice Krige might well be Queen of the Bord as well. Either way, she's TOAST!

Peter Davidson has hands in pockets, and is rocking on the balls of his feet because that is what he does.

Christ, I wouldn't break into Midsomer Museum, like this bloke. Like the Scotland Yard's Black Museum, squared.

@Maudelynn I knew the books a bit, but never seen it before. Certainly not dubbed into French.

French John Nettles is like a cross between a saucy Thieftaker/Savante, and a grizzled Buddha. Like the worlds' Dad.

If anyone wishes to unfollow me for the duration, I quite understand.

@GrahamBandage Brrrrrrr. @waxingmoonman No-one is mort yet, as far as I can tell. Perhaps it's a format breaking episode.

A sheep is mort. French John Nettles not investigating yet.

@Fritziii Well who doesn't sound sexy in German, frankly.

Is no-one going to die in this episode? Have the French taken out the morts? Doesn't sound like them.

Apparently all cricket games in Midsomer are accompanied by a lunatic with a 1984 Casiotone (apols to Gary J if he composed this).

Bergerac just accused Doctor Who of cheating, and now the mad Shepherd comes to take revenge for his morted sheep.

Where are the murders? I was led to believe MM- BREAKING NEWS - death on the pitch!

Some bloke I hadn't seen before is dead. The Mad Shepherd is blaming THE MIDSOMER WOLFMAN. French J. Nettles unconvinced - NO FOOL HE.

Now the Secret Service is involved! I am genuinely not making any of this up.

I don't speak French, but I just F. J. Nettles just called his wife a ponce, and said he is storming to Paris to buy double cream.

Note that @patroclus CAN speak French, but it doesn't seem to be making any more sense to her.

Mad Shepherd is now embarking upon his own investigation, on the basis he's two feet taller than anyone else, which seems reasonable.

French Peter Davidson laughs lightly, but French Borg Queen knows something is up and it is not the LEGUMES.

French John Nettles is watching porn on his work computer, which is fine apparently, according to new EU rules.

Cor, French Borg Queen just decked French Peter Davidson! A lone French Dalek cheers.

'Daccor', says French Peter Davidson, which is French for 'Dalek', prob'ly.

All the characters now splitting up to hunt for the Midsomer Wolfman IN THE DARK!

FRENCH PETER DAVIDSON DEAD!

French John Nettles woken, angered by increased workload.

All the other characters wait for French Peter Davidson to regenerate and tell them who did it.

@jamesmoran I HAVE HAD TOW GALSSES OF WINE!!!!!!

French Borg Queen attempts to catch FJ Nettles in his porn lair, but he is too clever for her.

French Colin from Game On now trying to help, because French John Nettles has gone back to porn.

Fake Headlines of our time: "Museum Break in - Nothing Stolen'.

@jamesmoran I ABSOLUTELY WILL NOT STOP.

Ooh my avatar's come back - has French Peter Davidson regenerated as me? Bu I don't know who did it!

Oooh, Mad Shepherd has gone missing...

@patroclus and I appear to be crossing the streams. FJ Nettles interrogating someone who up until now I assumed to be his mother.

French Colin from Game On has found a sabre-toothed tiger skull in a bran tub. BEST LUCKY DIP EVER!

Bah, Mad Shepherd doing a runner on a tractor. Quite slowly. French Colin caught him up by WALKING FAST.

Oops, he's French Matt from Game On, not French Colin. French BOrg Queen has chain an 80's yuppie up in a hearse - TO BORGIFY HIM.

Tractor still going on its own, hit a different yuppies Caterham 7, FJ Nettles blithely unconcerned. Yuppie: "INSPECTEUR!"

FJ Nettles now watching a new video of a man polishing a coffin - porn getting a bit specialised now.

FJ Nettles has found incriminating video evidence. I have no idea what of though. Ooh, a secret tunnel under a coffin!

Now a b+w flashback to german soldiers (sorry Fritzee) being nasty to a family. Everyone thinks this explains a lot.

French Matt from Game On does not believe what he is Ecouter-ing!

Nooo, man in coffin (don't know who) is going to be live-cremated, by French Borg Queen!

Man rescued, by FR Nettles and F Matt but has gone mad and singing a hymn (the very definition of insanity). French BQ unrepentent.

French Peter Davidson fails to regenerate in time for finale. 'Wolfman' apparently a file hiding under a chair all along.

Back to Alice Krige growling into a hedge - I must say, this is all tying up nicely now.
about 10 hours ago from TweetDeck

FJ Nettles at cricket, accepting congratulations from either wife or mother, not worked out precise relationship yet.

THE END. My apologies to all.