Tuesday, June 26, 2007

Sometimes you look back on a sketch and think 'you know, I can sort of see why this one got rejected'.*

'Zoo'


INT. PUB - NIGHT

Three blokes, already mid-conversation.

MAN 1
... fifteen.

MAN 2
(embarassed) eighteen. I know. It’s shit.

MAN 3
Fourteen, and... with my maths teacher.

MAN 2
No way.

MAN 3
She was a supply teacher.

MAN 2
Oh, okay.

MAN 1
Right, right, slightly different question: first sexual experience. You know what I mean. How old and where.

MAN 3
Ah. twelve, I think. Found some magazines down the bottom of the football field.

MAN 1
Same. Different field though.

MAN 3
(to Man 2) You?

MAN 2
Thirteen, late starter again, but (pleased with self)... London Zoo!

1 and 3 look impressed.

MAN 2
Wanked off by a tiger.

They stare at him.

MAN 2
I know. Stuff you do when you’re a kid.

MAN 1
A man dressed as a tiger?

MAN 2
Why the fuck would I let myself be wanked off by a man dressed as a tiger?

MAN 3
A real tiger?

MAN 2
Yes! I was looking in his cage, my parents had gone off to look at the termites and... I just got closer and closer, and before I knew it...

The others digest this.

MAN 2
He had lovely fur.

MAN 3
‘He’?

MAN 2
(annoyed) All right, Judgey McJudge!

The others go quiet.

MAN 2
Christ, wish I hadn’t said anything now.



* Although in retrospect, it didn't really fit in with the general tone of the third series of Bob the Builder hahahahhahahaha *falls off chair*

20 comments:

patroclus said...

I think you should submit it again, but this time replace 'termites' with 'slow-worm'. Or 'axolotl'.

That should do it.

Joseph said...

I'm not kidding when I say this made me cry with laughter. Although possibly only in the sense that I can't quite believe how bizarre it is.

kaiki said...

i thought this was aces - i like surreal, and i like not being able to see which direction the joke is coming from - i cannot understand why it was rejected though - did they give you a reason for why ?

james henry said...

Not enough axolotls.

I think the start's a bit clunky. And the first draft had some of the characters' names muddled up. And it's about a bloke claiming to have been wanked off by a tiger.

Probably they filmed it, but the actors fucked it up. That is the ONLY REASON THAT MAKES SENSE.

Seriously though, lots and lots of stuff doesn't make it though, either due to time constraints, or budget, or things just not working on the day.

Normally I file off the serial numbers and try and sneak them in somewhere else, although I'm not sure that would work with this one. But thanks to the beauty of Internet, nothing need ever be wasted. Which isn't necessarily a good thing, of course.

(also: thank you Joseph. I think)

kaiki said...

Well in support of it, the line "I know. Stuff you do when you’re a kid." works incredibly well, and made me laugh out loud (this is not necessarily a good thing, I laugh a bit like popeye)
Perhaps if it had been a hand job from a panda ? maybe the tiger imagery was too....fierce ?
Perhaps I’m reading too far into it you say ?
oh.

Annie Rhiannon said...

"Why the fuck would I let myself be wanked off by a man dressed as a tiger?"

Lollerskates

9/10ths Full of Penguins said...

This had me chuckling uncontrollably for about 5 minutes, which then kicked off a coughing fit as I'm just getting over an unpleasent cough. Add in a couple of random sneezes and I was reduced to a quivering, dribbling wreck.

I blame you....

Chloé said...

"He had lovely fur".

I think this sentence has just decided to get stuck in some part of my brain to pop up at random times and trigger uncontrollable, embarrassing giggles.

JT said...

I liked it but thought the namey Mcname was poor.

Jennifer said...

Oooh!

I liked it; probably would've enjoyed it more had it been a Panda; purely because they're funny. Or a lemur. But then, you can't really have men dressing as lemurs...

Doris said...

Well, it made me laugh.

Tim Footman said...

Agree with Chloe and JT. "He had lovely fur" is potentially up there with dead parrots and four candles. But "Judgey McJudge" is like a second-rate Blackadder line.

james henry said...

Now you see, other people have specifially told me that "Judgey McJudge" was the only line they liked.

This is why, in comedy, it pays to spend most of your time with your hands over your ears going 'lalalalalalala' and just doing stuff you think is funny with a blind distaste for other people's views.

It's been interesting to see what people thought of the sketch though, thanks people! It has also re-awkakened my desire to put together a sketch show made up only of material rejected from other sketch shows (from me and the other GW writers, and maybe anyone else who wanted to play) called '-the f**k?'

(you have to say it in a Tony Soprano voice)

Oli said...

... and now on BBC Three, 'The Fuck?'. It's got a ring to it.

patroclus said...

This is why the endless debates on Cookd and Bombd and elsewhere about whether or not something is funny are completely pointless. Original, well crafted, well written, etc. - those are all objective criteria, but 'funny' just isn't.

Nothing in this sketch made me laugh (ooh, I'm harsh), but on the other hand, 'Emperor Bumble Wank' made me laugh so much I had to stop getting the bus to work.

james henry said...

It's 'Bumblewank' - one word.

YOU DON'T GET ME AT ALL!

(she does really)

patroclus said...

Bumblewank is even better. If I'd known it was Bumblewank I would probably have had some sort of unattractive seizure, so it's best that I didn't realise that until this very moment.

james henry said...

Well recovered.

Imo said...

Yup it would never have worked in Bob the Builder, he's not even allowed to get together with Wendy although she's almost turned herself into Bob Number 2 trying to make herself attractive to the man!

I like the "he had lovely fur" bit.

anarki said...

LOL! That is amazing. I always write sketches like that and I thought no this is too stupid but you have renewed my faith. One day I will be famous like youxxxxxxxxx