Sunday, February 25, 2007

Obviously the train might still roll down a hill...

ME: Hello, I'd like to travel from London to Cornwall by train on a Sunday please.
TICKET GUY: Well you could...
ME: Yes?
TG: But there's engineering works, so you'd have to take two different buses (as well).
ME: SHIT!
TG: But monday's fine.
ME: BRILLIANT!
TG: The first train's quite expensive.
ME: SHIT!
TG: But the second one's a lot cheaper.
ME: BRILLIANT!
TG: But it does have about four stops.
ME: SHIT! I'll take the earlier one then.
TG: Wait a minute-
ME: BRILLIANT I mean 'okay'.

He calls over second ticket guy. They look at the screen, and frown. STG looks over at me, and assesses my moral worth. I discreetly cast 'Mask Moral Worth' (a level two anti-paladin spell I picked up on holiday in Helsinki). I seem to get away with it.

TG2: Were you travelling first class?
ME: I wasn't going to.
TG2: Because if you go first class on that particular train, it's actually cheaper than going standard class.
ME: BRILLIANT!
TG2: Although really you just get free tea and coffee.
ME: SHIT!
TG2: Although the lemony biscuits are quite nice.
ME: They are, aren't they? I always ask for those specifically now.
TG2: Well done on the bit in Variety, by the way.
ME: Ooh thanks, although some of that money goes to my script editor, and I have to hand it all back if I actually sell the script to a studio and I haven't had any of it yet anyway.
TG2: All right, don't go on.
ME: Sorry.


17 comments:

Billy said...

I hate it when trains turn into buses.

Cassie said...

Me too. And it always seems to rain, at the same time. Which makes it worse, somehow.

Lucy said...

Me three. I was forced to take a bus part-way to the GW Convention due to these 'engineering works.'

Hate buses. Hate. Grr.

Mangonel said...

SHIT! IT'S BRILLIANT!

Jen said...

I was forced to take a bus to get into central London from Stansted, because the rail thing was knackered.

Unfortunately the bus driver had no idea where Victoria station was.

I'm amazed I actually made it to the Brook Green at all.

Lozalang said...

Just wanted to say congratulations for the GW team's RTS comedy writing nomination. Will cross my fingers for you lot! XD

Matt said...

last year all the trains in the vicinity of Stafford were turned into buses every weekend for about a month.

coming back from my girlfriend's in Loughborough, about 40 miles from Stafford, actually took longer than it took to drive up to Stafford from Portsmouth.

james henry said...

lozaland: thanks

In the end, the train left london late (SHIT!) but made up time and caught the connecting truro one with seconds to spare (BRILLIANT!).

steve_p said...

It happens on Thomas The Tank Engine too!!! Believe! I seen loads of episodes where Thomas/James been immobilised and the bus (forget his name, maybe Berty) replaces rail travel with road travel. Maybe I should get out more....

Valerie said...

Personally, I'm very worried about what your conception of an 'all-American superhero' is going to be. Since I am one, after all. What, you didn't know I had superpowers? They're secret. All I can tell you is they have something to do with making trains run properly.

So, ya know... don't piss me off.

james henry said...

Mmm, that was in the original film council press release. I tweaked it a bit, but left that in, because it makes a better contrast against the supervillain, and he's a different tradition of 'all-american' than you might expect. More Bruce Springsteen than Andrew Dice Clay for example.

I'll try not to piss you off.

wolfie said...

Rain and no trains...There were no trains at all on the East Coast mainline today (at first I thought it was a signalling problem- but it turned out that it was an "engineering possession"), so I drove up to work in the morning... roadworks at Inverkeillor (delay), farm tractor in front (go slow), crash at Portlethen (20 minute delay), lorry shed its load on Anderson Drive (delay). Torrential rain all day. Nae fun. However- that phrase exercised me- I take it that an engineering possession means a poltergiest who's a bit handy with spanners?

Jen said...

Just thank God you weren't on that Cumbria train... the Driver lives where I live. Bless his heart, he tried so hard to make it better. Brave guy.

Obviously the local papers round here have gone mad for him; that whole 'HE BELONGS TO US' mentality the Scots have.

Minx said...

I'm told that Cornwall will soon have electric as well.

kaiki said...

...on the subject of trains i have a diabolical journey to cornwall on saturday which appears to take in the entire south coast and several circles of hell (one of which is closed, clearly through "engineering possession") with a bus trip halfway through plymouth. wish i'd learnt to drive.

cello said...

James, will you be at the Grosvenor House on March 13th? If so, I'll come and say hello. Hopefully you will be drinking champagne out of Tazmin's shoe when I do.

james henry said...

I'm up in London then anyway, so if I am asked, I will go, and it will be good to see you. Tazmin has officially asked me to stop drinking champagne out of her shoe. Apparently that's how the staring began.